09/25/2017
An Open Letter To Jeshua:
Dear Jeshua,
When you first entered our lives a little over a year ago, I was totally in a state of indescribable bliss. Your mother and I knew in our heart of hearts that the heavens were smiling down on us because of the gift we were blessed with.
That came to an abrupt halt when I discovered a mysterious bump on my neck two days after we brought you home. Of course I went to the doctor to have the bump checked and I received assurance that I was going to be okay, so I resumed on making plans for you and for our family. Every parent has ambitious plans for their children. From that first smile we saw from you, we knew that you were, no ARE going to do special things for this world and this universe.
When you were a little over three months old, I went back to the hospital and doctor to check on some significant nose bleeds. I was not aware that what was diagnosed as an eustachian tube dysfunction a year earlier, the bump on my neck and those nose bleeds were all inter-related: cancer.
Daddy heard too many horror stories and documentation about the treatments available to him. In fact, my cancer was so advanced that treatment was initially not going to be available and I was supposed to go straight to hospice care. They approved palliative treatment of chemotherapy because I pleaded with them to let me make it to your first birthday.
I had no idea at that time about all the different healing modalities for cancer that was available.
Eventually, I was introduced to a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor who dealt with different types cancers before, but due to the licensing and political nature of the different modalities and regulations, this doctor is reluctant to work with cancer patients. Luckily this person took my case and I think your photos that I carry with me on my phone influenced their decision.
Daddy went back and forth to the TCM doctor and the oncologist and the chemo sessions. Looking back on hindsight and knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have done the chemo. With the TCM's help, I was able to get rid of the tumor on my neck before the first chemo session. I decided to still go ahead with the chemo because at that time I wanted to make sure I was there for you and your mom. One of the hardest things to go through was the chemo. For the most part other than your uncle and your godmom, Daddy went to chemo by himself. Most people who were doing chemo usually had someone to accompany them. Mommy had to take care of you and there's no way we were going to let you get near chemo. Anytime the nurses would place the injection, they'd thoroughly covered themselves with protective gear. I'm watching them and I'm thinking to myself "you have that protective gear, where's MY protective gear?" And here's something I want you to learn: if someone from the medical profession insist that something is for your own good, yet they have to wear protective gear to give it to you, just how good is it really for you?
Daddy has something to say to you: I apologize to you My Son. No way should my struggle and burden should become yours at such a young age. You deserved the best that you were created to be. No way did you deserve a father who's in a situation where he's trying to budget and decide between his treatments to survive and those extra diapers or formula for you. You deserve better that what I had to put you through.
There were times when your mom and myself would discuss the possibility of you and your mom moving back to the Philippines to be with your grand-parents and cousins. The paradox is that if you and your mom were both gone, I don't know if I could handle the absence of both you and your mom during the healing process.
The oncologist told me that I should expect to enjoy your first birthday, but beyond that to not expect to be physically present for your birthdays thereafter. After hearing you say "dada" the first time, seeing you take your first steps after so many falls, and after you grabbed the cream of your birthday cake, I have clearly decided that I intend to be there for many more of your birthdays, your milestones, and even your learning experiences.
All I can ask of you is for you to forgive me for what you were subjected to. I'm doing all I can to make myself better and to be able to provide for you so you could enjoy growing up to become a productive young man. On the flip side, this cancer diagnosis has exposed me to family situations that no family members should go through: parents losing their child as young as you, or even babies younger than you losing their mommy or daddy. I feel for all of them because I know first hand how difficult cancer can be.
Daddy's on a mission: to cure himself and to help others do the same. It seems that I may be ignoring you or your mommy, but be rest assured: I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have to be able to lift the three of us up. Forgive me because I'll make a mistake every now and then. And BTW, parents tend their to make mistakes all the time, and guess what, I’m one of YOUR parent.
My prayer for you and all of us is that we'll get to a place of health, prosperity, and surplus to share with and help others. People have come forward to help us out financially, with food, with groceries, with rides, and with even baby supplies for you. I pray for the day that I'll be able to show you what it means to be a giver and to be a man of faith.
With Unconditional Love,
Jarrett, aka Daddy
to donate:
Jarrett Chin
c/o Unity Castro Valley
20121 Santa Maria Ave
Castro Valley, CA 94546
http://youcaring.com/jkchin
