08/02/2023
It has came to my attention that the devil has been in full offense towards the church and our families. So please read the following paper that I wrote concerning your marriage and your marriage enrichment. God bless.
OUR MARRIAGES: FOR BETTER OR BETTER
Ronald E. George, Jr.
Jesus said, “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet, it did not fall, because it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who build his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
As we undertake the building of our houses or homes, let’s consider these words of the master builder to be our foundation for building the best possible marriage we could have. The purpose of this undertaking is to explore how we may build our marriages or houses on the rock of Jesus Christ, our foundation. We know the storms of time are going to try to destroy the house and have already destroyed many. But, how can we preserve our home? Not only to preserve the home but also how can we make it a pleasant and enjoyable experience for those two people who have chosen to live together after God’s Holy ordinance or law in a state of Holy Matrimony?
The marriage of a man and a woman who have chosen each other for a lifetime can be heaven on earth, or it can be hell. Will our marriage continue to grow in Holy Wedlock, or will they develop into an unholy deadlock? We choose to make them better and better every step of the way. We chose to make them Christian as we are Christians. Throughout this course of study we will examine the building of the house of marriage on the rock in four sessions. These four sessions are the plans for the building that can be yours. But, this job of building cannot be contracted or given to someone else. You and your spouse must use the hammer and nails of this job. This is merely a plan or a tool, which may be used by you if you choose to do so. Consider Jesus’ words in Luke 14:28-30. He said:
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, “This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.”
Please count the cost of continuing to build your tower or your marriage. Is it worth it? I am sure you will agree with me that your marriage is worth it. The future happiness of you and your spouse are dependent upon the choices you make today. Are you ready and willing to make your marriage a wonderful experience for you both? To make it work you have to be willing to pay the price. Are you ready? It will be worth the cost if you are willing to pay.
Session One: Commitment is the Foundation
Commitment is the act of committing. The English word commit comes from the Latin “committere” which means to join, connect, entrust, from com-, together and mittere, to send, put. From this we understand the word commitment to mean something that we have decided to do or perform.
Today it seems almost impossible to find someone who is willing to make a
commitment There are three commitments that are the foundational blocks for a lasting enjoyable relationship. First, we can see God’s commitment to marriage. Second, the Christian husband and wife have their individual commitments to God, and their commitment to continuing in their marriage relationship. Each of these commitments is of vital importance to a lasting relationship.
First, let’s examine God’s commitment to the marriage. The key to understanding God’s commitment to marriage is seen in the primary reference to the beginning of marriage in Genesis 2:18-25. After the creation of the man Adam, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Out of all of God’s creation this was the only thing that was “not good”. God cared about Adam’s aloneness and committed Himself to doing something about it. Even those contemplating divorce as a solution to marital problems would do well to consider how lonely life is without a partner to share with. The answer to Adam’s dilemma was found in God’s creation of a “helper suitable for him.” The woman would be someone who would assist Adam to reach complete fulfillment. She would be someone who would correspond to him and provide the missing pieces to the puzzle of Adam’s life. After creating the woman, Eve, from a part of Adam’s side, God brought her to the man. God, the Father, was the first one to give away the bride. God created the man, the woman, and the relationship, marriage; they would have together. This is where we understand the Godly design of one man and one woman for one lifetime. Because Eve was taken from Adam’s flesh, the scripture says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This verse shows us the permanent, irrevocable bond God designed for the marriage relationship. The two will become one. Within the Christian marriage there is another force at work in the marriage Pyramid Diagramrelationship. Each partner brings to the marriage their own relationship and commitment to God. See the illustration:
As a man and woman who are in a relationship with God and each other draw closer to God, they will draw closer to each other. The optimum point being G or God, when all three are in close relationship with each other. There is an intimacy between the partners and their God, but also an intimacy with one another in the tie that binds them together, the Holy Spirit. The man and woman who are committed to God will also be committed to using God’s principles as guidelines for the marriage relationship. As God is committed to making the marriage a permanent relationship, the Christian couple will be committed to His design. Being sensitive to our guide, the Holy Spirit, we can follow His direction at the crossroads of decision within our marriage.
The partners in a healthy marriage must also be committed to the relationship. Consider this principle of lifelong commitment as the number one rule for a healthy happy and enjoyable marriage. If both partners are not committed to the marriage relationship it will eventually fail. This is not God’s trap; but this is God’s way of creating an intimate relationship in which one man and one woman can live together throughout their life in a harmonious way. So then, if the threat of just pulling out, divorce, is removed, the married couple can work together to make it a happy marriage. Consider the following example: After nine years of marriage and two children, Nina felt she couldn’t bear it any longer. His perfectionism, his insults, and his defensiveness were killing her. His tendency to blame her for everything that went wrong had destroyed all hope for them. She tried to talk but he wouldn’t listen. In spite of her prayers, God had forgotten her. She was convinced that she was never going to change Jim, and that she might as well give up.
A few nights later, crying out in agony and pain to God, she gave it all to Him. She told Him she was going to stop trying to change Jim. She just simply turned
everything over to God and told Him she would trust and obey Him in everything. God gave her the grace she needed. Jim did change, but not until long after Nina did. Nina found the resource she needed to carry on. God could do the same for you.
· THOUGHT: To have the right kind of marriage, I must be the right kind of person
Session Two: Communication is the Framework
Communication is the structure of a marriage as the framework is the structure of a house. Without true communication the marriage will fall flat to the ground. Communication is the act of communicating. It is the exchange of thoughts or messages by speech, signals, body language, or writing. Communication comes from the Latin “Commuunicare”, to make common or make known. Also, it means to express oneself in such a way that one is readily and clearly understood. Without honest communication and sharing of heart-felt needs, wants, and desires, the marriage is not the intimate bonding of the emotional and spiritual persons that God meant when it was said that the “two shall become one”. John Powell describes five levels of communication within a relationship. Examine the different types to see which level you and your spouse have reached.
Level one: “Cliché Conversation”
This is the lowest level of communication There is almost no communication here at all. For example, you may say: “How have you been…How is your family…Nice weather we’ve been having…Have a good day.” In this level there is no sharing of who you are or how you are really feeling.
Level two: “Reporting the Facts About Others”
In this level we are still not willing to share anything of ourselves, but we are able to discuss what others have said or done. Being not willing to make anything known about who we are, we take shelter in discussing someone else.
Level three: “My Ideas and Judgments”
At this level I will take a chance on telling you what I think. I am willing to discuss some of my ideas and judgments, but I am really testing the waters of your acceptance. I want to be sure that I am accepted before I will go on to share how I really feel. I am listening to what you say and watching what you do in response to the thoughts I have shared. This is a preliminary level to honest communications.
Level Four: “My Feelings (emotions) ‘Gut Level’”
Now, we are beginning to open up and actually share the why of our ideas and judgments. This is the “gut level” feeling of whom I really am. If the marriage relationship is to be an intimate, personal encounter; it must be based upon “gut level” communications.
Level Five: “Peak Communications”
All deep and authentic relationships must reach this level of communication. Our marriage must be structured on absolute openness and honesty. There needs to be from time to time a complete emotional and personal communion. Then the married partners will feel almost perfect and mutual empathy. Reactions and feelings are shared completely by the partner; one’s happiness or grief is perfectly reduplicated in the other. This is honest, open sharing and bearing of one’s inner burdens, which few others have actually seen. When this occurs the partners are like two musical instruments playing exactly the same note, or two figure skaters that are in tune to each other and the music they are skating to. Then the two have really become one.
Which level have you decided you and your spouse have reached? Which would you like to reach? Many couples have struggled between level three and four, because when their partner begins to open the door into their heart it gets slammed on their foot. The slam comes when we are unwilling to accept each other as we are. We become judgmental and unaccepting. If the fifth level is to be attained we must be willing to really listen and give our undivided attention to each other without the slam. As God has given to us His unconditional Love, we must be willing and ready to accept our spouse without those judgmental slurs or actions (rolling eyes or heavy sighs).
Why not just leave things as they are? We’re doing all right as we are. I do my thing and my partner does hers. Consider this true example of what will happen, if it has not already. Bill comes home from work one day and throws his shoes in the corner just as he had done for so many weeks. He flops down in his chair after another long day at work. Looking at his wife, he can see her face becoming redder and redder until “BOOM” the volcano inside her exploded. All the force of months and years of anger had been building up until it could no longer be contained. But, Bill doesn’t understand what’s going on. This is what he has always done. Before you become emotionally divorced from one another begin now to share feelings with one another. To keep in step with the song, listen to the rhythm, but to keep in time with you I must know the song you are singing in your heart.
“The marriage that two people have, both now and in the future is what they create together. You create a marriage by what you do together; your behavior toward each other; and how you talk to each other.” One way to enrich your relationship is to explore areas where you and your spouse have differences, and explore the reasons why you have these differences. My spouse and I sat down together and wrote how we felt, and then we came together to share our feelings with one another. This involves talking and listening to each other. Oftentimes I have heard my spouse say, “Are you listening?” Are you listening, too?
All of this talking, listening, and sharing takes time. Something which many of us have very little. Would you “count the cost”? Consider the following rules and avoiding intimacy in a relationship:
1. Don’t talk.
2. Never show your feelings.
3. Always be pleasant.
4. Always keep busy.
5. Never argue.
6. Make your partner guess what you want – then tell them they should be sensitive enough to know.
7. Keep the television on.
Try breaking these rules if you want to enrich your intimate communication with one another. What rules have you been following? Are you the right partner?
Session Three: Compassion is the Interior
The interior of the house is where you live. This is where you spend time with each other. Compassion is a deep feeling of pity for the suffering of another, and an Inclination to give aid or support, or to show mercy. Peter instructs us in Ch. 3:7 “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life….”
And Paul says in Ephesians 5:21-22, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Also in verses 25 and 28: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Without this compassionate love for each other the marriage relationship will be lacking much like a house that is not a home. This is similar to a house without interior walls or floors. A house like this could be lived in, but who wants to live in a place like that?
This love spoken of by the apostle, Paul, is the love that has made a decision. The decision has been made to love unconditionally. It’s a selfless love of sacrifice that gives up individual entitlements for the needs of the partner. It’s a love that finds fulfillment in meeting the needs and coming to the aid of the one loved. This includes all aspects of our persons, including physical needs, sexual needs, emotional needs, and companionship needs. Oftentimes a crack opens up in a marriage when needs are not being met by the spouse and someone else begins to come into the picture by filling the needs being unmet. What are these needs that the compassionate partner needs to meet? These can be discovered through communication, but these are the five major needs of men and women in a general sense.
The Five Major Needs of Women:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment
The Five Major Needs of Men:
1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration
From the words of actress Celeste Holm, “We live by encouragement and we die without it; slowly, sadly, angrily.”
The husband is to come to the aid of his wife, and likewise, the wife is to come to the aid of her husband. Without this mutual support of compassion the marriage will disintegrate from the inside out. Would you consider answering the following questions separately then come together with your spouse to discuss and compare answers?
1. What are some things you did during the dating and honeymoon years of your relationship that you no longer practice?
2. Compared to the honeymoon years do you now spend more or less time together as a couple?
3. Are the emotional feelings you have for your spouse stronger, weaker, or unchanged from the honeymoon years?
4. Describe your relationship using one of the following words: Awesome, Intense, Great, Good, Bearable, Needs Improvement.
5. What are some of the things you practiced during the honeymoon years that you would like to see revitalized?
6. Have you given in to the wishes of your spouse within the last month?
7. In the last 6 months have you done something with your spouse because it was what he or she wanted to do?
8. When was the last time you and your spouse had a face-to-face conversation without outside interference? (kids, TV, etc.)
9. When was the last time you held hands?
10. Are you willing to do what it takes to make your marriage an “Awesome’ one?
Session Four: Compromise is the Nails and Glue
Of course, we know that nails and glue is the one ingredient that ultimately holds the whole thing together. What is compromise then? Compromise is a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions. Compromise comes from the Latin word compromittere, which means to promise mutually. The mutual promise was originally made during the wedding “to have and to hold from this day forward…. for better or worse, etc.” But the purpose of this session is to show how our marriages can be better and better. Trying to enrich a marriage without compromise would be like trying to keep a house together without nails or glue. You may be able to manage for a while, but wait until the hard wind begins to beat on it. It will all come down with a crash. In the Christian marriage we must relax our grip on what we think we should be to become what God would have us to be in a Godly marriage. Take time to read together and discuss your interpretations of the following scripture passages: Ephesians 5:21-33, I Corinthians 7:1-6, and I Peter 3:1-8. The goal we should strive for is to become what God would have each partner to be. As Peter put it in I Peter 3:8: “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.”
To reach the harmony and unity God desires and we desire, we must be able to overcome those differences that will destroy us. By the very definition of compromise, I realize that I must be changeable. I can’t change my spouse, but with God’s grace I can change myself. Then, when I have changed, my spouse has the freedom to change.
The test of compromising is the ability to resolve conflict to mutual satisfaction, or when harmony is again restored. Do you have any unresolved conflicts within your relationship? Use the scripture test to see if your conflicts have really been resolved, or if they have been swept under the rug only to reappear. Do you find the same topics reoccur to cause problems? Maybe they have never been resolved. Look at Ephesians 4:25-32; then use these principles to guide your next irreconcilable differences.
1. “Keep it honest”; be committed to honesty and mutual respect. See verse 25.
2. “Keep it under control”, make sure your weapons are not deadly. See verse 26
3. “Keep it timed right”. Settle the differences you have in the present. Don’t let it accumulate in a large pile. See verses 26-27.
4. “Keep it positive: be ready with a positive solution to the problem. See verse 28.
5. ‘Keep it tactful: sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will hurt forever. See verse 29.
6. “Keep it private”, take care of cleaning dirty laundry at home only. Don’t tell the neighbors just to humiliate your partner. See verse 31.
7. “Keep it cleaned up: forgive each other, just as God has forgiven you. See verse 32.
Don’s forget the magic words that will stop any fight. “I am sorry. I was wrong.” It always takes two to fight, but only one can stop it. Will that one be you? Will you be the first one to attempt a compromise?
Finally think about your marriage and how you have been building it. Proverbs 24:3-4 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through Knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” The wisdom, knowledge, and understanding you’ve received from these sessions are part of the tools and materials you may use to make your marriage an awesome one. Where and how you choose to build is between you, your spouse, and God. Remember to do your homework. If you choose not to, then don’t be surprised when you find that someone else has been doing it for you. Last, but not least, begin your life and marriage with prayer. May the Lord fill your house with rare and beautiful treasures. AMEN
