09/22/2022
Brave. Raw. Real.
Waiting On The Wind
Have you ever felt like as soon as you woke up, anxiety and the weight of the world was already beating in and on your chest? Dread, and doom are common feelings for me with anxiety--a by-product for me of multiple traumas. The day I started writing Waiting On The Wind I remember feeling so worn down, tired, helpless, hopeless and just so over being anxious most of the time. I had been fighting, and trying so hard to focus my mind on good things, fill myself with healthy food, exercise daily, therapy, prayer, etc....but nothing could lift this anvil from me.
I had to confront it once again. I had to admit how ashamed I felt of not being able to fix or heal myself. The shame that comes from mental health struggles is so very present at times, and the voice of shame isolates and adds even more weight to an already loaded burden. Struggling with anxiety as a Disciple of Jesus was even more complicated. Wasn't I supposed to be full of peace? I knew I had a relationship with God, but I could not understand why he would allow my spirit to linger in such darkness and despair. I remember begging God so many times to just free me, He did not loosen this burden immediately. He chose to let it refine me, and I had to go through it. He did not rescue me from it. But he did walk with me through it.
Over the years I have been very vocal about my journey through and with anxiety. I have not shared it all with you, because I was so in the middle of it, I did not feel it was the right time. I still struggle, but I am on the other side of a very high mountain. A few years ago things got so bad I actually was hospitalized with a severe panic attack. That summer was a turning point for me-- I really started working through things with EMDR therapy. The amount of unprocessed trauma and grief I had from the stillbirth of my daughter Ella and the quick and intense decline of witnessing my dad die of stomach cancer was compounded and complicated. I have from a relatively young age, experienced the death of a child and the death of a parent. Powerless to save either one. This resulted in not only deep grief, but a lot of unprocessed things that perhaps my mind and body were protecting me from at the time. I still can't believe it took me 5 years to talk to someone about losing Ella. The convergence of losses was too great to bear. Add in pregnancies, and raising young children, living on the road full time, and this was a recipe for a reckoning. Something HAD TO CHANGE.
I started on my journey, but it was two steps forward and three steps back. I would get so discouraged that after processing things, my anxiety would lessen, then come back with a vengeance.
I vividly remember sitting in the studio one day with a box of tissues asking WHY? Mitch has been a mentor to me, and I let him see my wrestle with anxiety, confusion and faith. This song is a metaphor, but it was lived. The mountains and hills of anxiety, dread and fear are not always scaleable, even when you have the desire and tools. We cannot always fix or heal ourselves. I love the line "I'm ashamed of how broken I've become, do you feel it too, or am I the only one?"
The bridge is also such a heart cry for me, Mitch co-wrote this with me. "If I had wings, Then I would fly, I'd leave this ball and chain behind, but in this cage, I can barely move, there is nothing, no nothing left for me to do, Oh I'm waiting on the wind to bring my rescue.."
If you are waiting for your rescue, I see you. I will be waiting on the wind with you.
