Our REAL Story
May 2014 for go down in our lives as the worst month I have ever experienced. On May 6th 2014, my heart stopped, it jumped to my throat and my worst feat just came true. A piece of me died, literarily, the baby in my womb was gone. She was gone, gone from this earth, now living perfect and precious in her Heavenly Father’s arms! I went in by myself, as usual because we can't take
4 little boys with us, for a normal prenatal check up at 16 weeks. Never expecting too bearly walk of there in tears and shattered dreams. Roy and the boys had to come pick me up at the doctor’s office and try to understand the news, as I could not fully express the words on the phone. The office staff there was super sweet, they showed Roy on ultrasound the deviating news and even confirmed what our hearts knew, that our baby was a girl. My OB talked with us and told us to go home think about it and soak it in then call him with that we wanted to do for our next steps. We walked out of there with out heads down and blood-shot eyes because our only baby girl would never come home with us. I would never get to rock her, nurse her, watch her sleep, introduce her to her brothers, see her graduate college and even get married. Nothing! In one moment all our dreams of her future were broken. I was not sad at first for myself but for Roy, the boys and all my family. We were expecting her! We knew in our hearts this had to be our girl. It was time after having 4 boys in 5 years. She was going to complete our family. Trevor, our second boy, loved her from day one. He would come to me every morning and hug my belly and say, “I love that baby growing in your belly, Mommy.” Roy and I had plans, but our plans are nothing compared to our God’s plans! My God is a loving God, who did not kill our baby girl. We live in an imperfect world and bad things to happen to good people. We may never know why this happen. My hope is not rested upon my good deeds but the everlasting hope of Jesus Christ and He would see us through this awful time. And He has! We named her Lily Hope Huddleston. I thought of her name the day after we found out she had passed that Tuesday and God confirmed in my dream that night. Lily means Peace, the flower of peace and Hope representing the everlasting hope in Jesus. How perfect! It’s a beautiful name with a powerful meaning. We believe that life starts at conception and we would treat Lily’s life just the same as we had lost one of our boys, it’s no different to us. We would share our hurts, emotions and story without holding back. This has been truly powerful in our healing process, just 3 weeks later. After a week of intense prayer by our church friends and family and one more ultrasound later, God gave me a vision of peace. It’s hard to explain, but my heart was flooded with peace that Lily was gone from this earth and living in Heaven with her Creator. Roy actually got to see her in Heaven with his Dad, through a vision. Wow that was amazing! So, it was time to move to the next step of delivering her. I have a great relationship with my OB, he has seen us through all of our pregnancies, six total now, one early miscarriage then 4 beautiful boys and now Lily’s. He gave me some options to deliver her. We choose the induction of labor at the hospital. As a nurse, I liked to be in a controlled environment so, I was warned this option came with higher risks but would help my grief more in the long run. I had already gone through a D&C with our first baby, an early miscarriage, and I did not feel that was right for me to do again. I spoke with the doctor’s office and set a date, May 13th we would start the induction in the doctor’s office. The induction would then end in the hospital the next evening. I was told this could take 2-3 days in the hospital. We prepared for that, the boys where well cared from my parents and sister. We checked into the hospital at 7:30pm May 14th so it wasn’t a surprise when Roy and I panicked at 1am when I was in active labor. It seemed easy for me to talk about the induction but actually doing it was totally different. Roy lost it about emotionally 1:30am, he was not as prepared mentally as I was because he was holding out for a miracle. I was loosing it too, so we called several people in total panic; Roy’s mom, our friend from church and my mom. I wanted my mom! We did not prepare to have people there because they told us it could take so long, so we called Roy’s mom, then our church friend and my mom came to be us. After a rough night of labor, a non-working epidural, lots of prayer and total anxiety about the delivery, Lily Hope was born into Heaven at 9:40am on May 15th 2014. Lily was 1.1oz and 5 inches long, she was perfect, and she had all her fingers and toes. She looked just like my other babies, even had Grant’s pouty lip and the same nose. We got to hold her, rock her, and take pictures with her and even dress her. This was different, of course, but you have to understand I just delivered a healthy baby boy just 15 months ago in the same hospital and delivery unit. The smell of the room and the look of the baby warmer ran such joyful feelings through me just last year now they are a definite reminder of what we had lost. We were cared for my amazing trained grief labor and delivery nurses. They are great, they acknowledged Lily as our baby, they gave me their condolences and they helped through all of it. Aileen, our nurse, a name will never forget, she was amazing and helped us through this pit we were going through. She was able to make hand and foot prints in a plaster casting for us to take home. Due to Lily’s size, this was a miracle in itself. They cared for us with dignity and compassion, always remembering Lily. This meant a lot to us! We left the hospital the next morning after setting up funeral home arrangements. Leaving the hospital with memory box instead of a baby was difficult. We when home to the ‘life’ happening at home and I missed our boys. The boys were filled with questions and “Where’s Lily?” Trevor, was really disappointed, even though we explained that Lily was sick and had to go to heaven, he really thought we would still bring her home. It’s really hard to explain to your children, even the young ones, but their disappointment can be even worse. We met and made the cremation arrangements. Then, decided on her celebration date. Plans were in the making to honor her short little life. One of my closest friends, reminded me even though Lily was tiny she spirit was full. What a reassurance! We chose to have a time to celebrate her life for our family and friends. It was beautiful. There were girly decorations, beautiful songs of worship and a comforting message then fellowship with the ones that love us. It was just what we wanted for Lily and for us. Now, almost 4 weeks later, I can honestly say it’s been hard, awful, nothing I’d ever wish on my worst enemy. A club I never new existed until I became a member. It was my worst fear coming to life. However, through all this Roy and I have chosen to become a closer couple, we appreciate our boys a little more, we have stopped living in the ‘what if” and best of all - our loving and almighty God as shown up in a big way. Peace, comfort and even JOY have been poured on us like a Hawaiian waterfall. It’s overwhelming, its unexplainable and it’s all God. We can’t take any credit for the way we feel in this tragedy. I could never understand or relate to the verse Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” For me, this is so true, I gave up my tears that night and God replaced them with Joy in the morning/mourning. We are forever grateful for all the love, kindness, support and prayers we have experienced the last few weeks. Words cannot express that our hearts have felt. There is nothing we can do that will repay everyone but to pass along the same love and kindness to everyone that comes across our path.
