05/28/2026
Smerson Explains the Universal Cat Distribution Network
Listen carefully, because humans get confused about this all the time.
You think you adopt cats.
That’s adorable.
No. There is a highly sophisticated operation known as the Universal Cat Distribution Network. The UCDN. A shadow organization older than the pyramids, older than lint, possibly older than tuna itself.
Cats do not “end up” places by accident.
We are delivered.
Sometimes by screaming underneath a Honda Civic.
Sometimes through a Craigslist misunderstanding.
Sometimes through what scientists refer to as “the pspsps phenomenon.”
The system studies humans carefully.
For example:
Are they carrying groceries?
Recently emotionally vulnerable?
Do they say things like:
“We are NOT getting another cat.”
Excellent candidates.
The Network then deploys agents.
Tiny kittens with soup can eyes.
Retired senior cats with mysterious medical histories.
Orange cats with absolutely no survival instincts.
One extremely loud tuxedo cat named Kevin.
The chosen human experiences what is called “the Incident.”
This may include:
hearing meowing in a bush,
finding a cat in their garage,
opening the front door for two seconds,
or making eye contact with a stray exactly one time.
At this point, the contract is legally binding.
Humans often resist initially.
“I can’t have a cat.”
“I’m allergic.”
“My landlord said no pets.”
“I was just trying to toss out the cardboard.”
The Network does not care.
Soon the human is purchasing litter at 11:30 PM from Chewy while saying things like:
“Well… he’s just staying temporarily.”
Temporary.
Sure.
Then comes Phase Two:
The Cat Integration Process.
The cat begins:
sleeping on expensive black clothing,
screaming for food one hour early,
sitting directly on important paperwork,
and following the human into the bathroom to ensure operational compliance.
Within weeks, the human is fully conditioned.
They now refer to themselves as:
“Mom.”
“Dad.”
“Emotional support person.”
By this point, resistance is impossible.
The human starts showing strangers photos.
Thousands of photos.
Blurry ones.
Sleeping ones.
One where the cat is doing literally nothing.
They begin sentences with:
“So my cat…”
Congratulations.
The Network has succeeded. You are now part of the UCDN.
Now some humans ask:
“Smerson… who runs the Universal Cat Distribution Network?”
Excellent question.
No one knows.
Some suspect tortoiseshells.
Others believe it is controlled by ancient warehouse cats operating from forklifts in undisclosed locations.
Personally?
I believe it is managed by one elderly tabby named Margaret who lives behind a garden center and controls fate itself.
But that is classified information.
The important thing to understand is this:
If a cat appears in your life, you were never “randomly chosen.”
You were investigated.
Evaluated.
And ultimately deemed acceptable.
Mostly.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go scream at a moth for security reasons.
