10/08/2024
LONG TRANSPARENT MOMENT:
It has taken me a while to write my story for various reasons. Some were valid, and some were not. Yesterday, I posted a video about taking risks. What I was not aware of when God allowed me to make the video was that it would begin with this post. If you decide to read this post in its entirety, I believe God wants to speak to you as well.
As I write, countless thoughts are plaguing my mind. They are compounded with judgment and what others may think. Some may believe I don’t have faith or trust in God or question my calling. Some may speak like Job’s friends and tell me I have done everything wrong and must repent. Nonetheless, I will take the risk.
Since January 2024, I have lost what seemed to be a significant part of what I owned—from home to an extreme drop in income. I’m unsure which part of me was hurt more—my spirit or pride. Shame and lack bulldozed their way into my mind and caused me to allow the atrocities I experienced to become my silent killer. I didn’t blame everything on the devil, but I knew his subtle planting or insidious whispers of the words “failure,” worthless,” “not enough,” and “broke” were at the forefront of my mind and projected from my mouth with every negative encounter I was subjected to.
Within five months, five different people opened their homes until I returned to my original childhood home with my father. Imagine being close to 60 years old and having to become your parents’ roommate. Imagine the debilitating feeling of heartache, anguish, discontentment, and sadness. Imagine feeling like you have failed in every situation of your life. Imagine being told by a close friend that your situation is unsuitable for them to engage with you. Imagine crying uncontrollably and not sleeping every night because you believe God is mad at you. This is precisely how my life was lived—or how I existed. Externally, I operated in the “I’m Okay” syndrome, which was well executed. Internally or spiritually, I bled profusely—my spirit was crushed, and I wanted to stop believing that God was on my side.
A few family and close friends knew my predicament and helped as much as possible. I didn’t expect them to rescue me, nor did I ask, but God orchestrated it. When I cried to God because I was close to losing something else, someone would send an unexpected Cash App or Zelle. When my thoughts were too negatively charged to pray, someone would call or text to ask how I was doing and pray for me. Throughout this journey, I collaborated with a client who didn’t know that her story was one of the ways God revived me. The few times I was invited to preach the Word of God were the moments when I distinctly heard God. But I couldn’t wrap my head around the days I didn’t hear His voice about my situation.
Listening to pastors, evangelists, podcasters, and the like, I tried to figure out if my hearing God had become dull or if it was a heinous sin I had committed in the past. I repented and prayed. I worshipped and praised. I studied my Word. I listened to gospel songs. I didn’t congregate with many people. The room in my father’s house became my place of isolation. I began to become content in that state. But God never left, nor was He surprised or shocked by how I handled this wilderness.
Today, my situation hasn’t changed significantly—but I have. Truthfully, I struggle ever so often, but between God and my therapist, there has been a shift in my perspective on what has happened in my life. Since I have traveled down memory lane—God has not skipped a beat in my life. I have never gone hungry, and I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have had unique experiences like meeting GA congress members, attending the Falcons football games, exquisite meals, trying out for a game show (I wasn’t chosen this time), volunteering, consulting with potential clients, and attending leadership conferences and birthday celebrations. Not to forget, I get to hang out with my father when he's not driving these ATL streets. God has reminded me that He’s the Great I AM! It's not only about what He has done materialistically but also about hearing His voice during this season.
I love to give, and it’s not always monetarily, but through praying for others, empathy, loving someone through grief, etc. However, I had to recognize that sowing seeds is only one part; the other is receiving the harvest. One of my biggest lessons was that God isn’t required to give the blessing directly to me—He has other means. I cannot regulate how God will answer a prayer, solve a problem, or even pay my bills! I am eternally grateful for everything God has shown and done for me, for the people He’s used in my life, and for YOU!
I’m sharing this post to encourage someone living in shame, lack, fear, or feeling unworthy and because I am willing to take the risk. God is—you can fill in the blank. Don’t give up because God is always present. And lastly, don’t be afraid to take the risk!
