07/26/2021
Reflection.
A shimmer.
An image of “self” once held, once believed to be…truth, real.
What am I?
This last month has been one of deep, often painful explorations of who I am, how I’m seen, and what I mean in the world. I was recently reminded that to truly and profoundly accept the true nature of all things to change means letting go of this preconceived idea of a “me,” an “I,” a “self” that carries meaning and value for not just myself (no pun intended) but also those I love.
I already knew this, but alas, to be human, I forgot.
In many moments this awakening has felt scary. I can’t control what doesn’t exist. I can’t define who I am to the people I love. I can’t guarantee that my intentions will match how I’m seen. I can’t even guarantee that showing up with an open heart: naked in my love and vulnerabilities, will mean ANYTHING to ANYONE. For a long time these knowings were my security, the sense of my own manifesting of reality - I create the meaning in my world. “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Both worlds are the same.” I’ve spent the last month or so living in the painful acknowledgment that that’s equally true for others as it is for me, which literally makes me powerless to affect the beauty in the world that I desire, to express love and know love will be seen, to be tender and know tenderness is written on my skin. It’s not up to me. It’s up to whoever is on the other side to see me in that moment through their own eyes of love and tenderness.
The last month as seen me as a soft reflection of myself. I dug my way into a hole of quiet exploration, sadness….that I am only now discovering is a beautiful death…a death of an old self, another mask, a belief system burned and returned to the Earth.
I am learning life is not about control. Not about controlling the outcome, someone else’s experience, or the trajectory of what’s to come. It’s about letting every single act, choice, vulnerability, tenderness be sufficient unto itself. It’s about being in love with every ugly, raw moment this life has to offer because GD it feels good just to be alive and to feel. Who am I? Who knows? What you see does not exist.