04/01/2026
Freedom Day #15: A reflection from her big brother:
Fifteen years ago today, Catherine finally freed herself from the shackles of cancer that robbed so much of her life from her. I have struggled a lot with what to say on this anniversary. What can be said that hasn’t been said already? On holidays, I wonder what she would have gotten for my parents. During the week, I wonder if she’d make fun of my terribly messy car. On her 21st birthday, I wondered what kind of drink she’d order for her first. The mundane is the most painful. The idea that grief lessens over time is not really true in my experience. When someone passes so far before their time, every day is another what-if. Another chance to imagine what should have been, but wasn’t. As I struggle to find my place in the world, I wonder what words of advice my sister would have for me. I grieve for the words that will never be spoken.
One thing Catherine was especially good at was putting mind over matter, far beyond the capabilities of the average eight-year-old girl. She used to love playing school with her dolls, drawing intricate scenes and narrating them, and especially playing life-simulator style games on her bright pink Nintendo DS. The thread that ties all of these together is control. Staying sane when your own body is trying to kill you, when your days are spent in doctors’ offices, when your friends are far away, is nearly impossible. In diving into the hobbies she loved, she got to create her own worlds where she was fully in control.
As I get older, the more I take inspiration from that brave little girl that I am so lucky to call my sister. There is so much in the world that nobody can control. Bad things happen no matter how hard you try to avoid them. Learning to accept that, finding your own ways to find peace, exercising your own little teaspoon of “control” is the only way to stay sane in this world.
Fifteen years of grief is fifteen years too many. While it doesn’t get any easier, Catherine wouldn’t want me to despair forever. Just as she did all those years ago: accept what you can’t change, and find little things that you can. While I am not exactly a fan of playing with dolls like she used to, I find solace in playing some of the same types of life-simulation games she liked. I am not one to draw, but I do like taking photographs. Little pieces of control. Little things that make me think of Catherine.
