14/09/2026
VOICE OF HOPE — VOLUME 2 | ISSUE 4
DISCRIMINATION BETWEEN CHILDREN
When One Child Feels Loved More Than Another
By Kayemba Kalema Founder & Executive Director, Hope Children’s Foundation
Introduction
Every child wants to feel that they belong.
Every child wants to know:
“Do I matter?”
“Am I loved?”
“Am I important in this family?”
These questions may never be spoken aloud.
But children ask them in their hearts.
One of the most painful experiences a child can have is to grow up feeling that another child is more loved, more valued or more important than they are.
Sometimes the difference is obvious.
One child receives better food, better clothing, more attention, more encouragement and more opportunities.
Sometimes it is less obvious.
One child is always praised while another is always criticized.
One child's mistakes are quickly forgiven while another child's mistakes are remembered for years.
One child is trusted while another is always suspected.
Over time, these differences can create wounds that may remain long after childhood has ended.
My Childhood: When the Family Became Like a Farm
When I look back at my childhood, I sometimes describe my father's home as a farm.
It was not a farm in the ordinary meaning of the word.
I call it a farm because there were four wives living in the same home, together with aunts, uncles and many children.
For us children, it was a large family environment with many people and many different relationships.
But as time passed, something began to change.
The wives in the home started having their own children.
And gradually, we began to experience a difference.
The attention that had once been available to us seemed to move toward their own children.
They cared for their children.
They fed them.
They bought them good clothes.
They talked to them.
They showed them affection.
They protected them.
And as children, we could see the difference.
We did not need anyone to explain it to us.
We felt it.
When You Begin to Feel Unwanted
There came a time when my sister and I began to feel that we were no longer wanted.
We were children.
We did not have the maturity to understand the reasons behind the differences.
We simply experienced the result.
Someone else's child could receive love while we felt neglected.
Someone else's child could receive attention while we felt invisible.
Someone else's child could be protected while we wondered whether anyone cared about us.
That kind of experience can change the way a child sees themselves.
The child may begin asking:
“Why am I not treated like the others?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why does nobody love me?”
And sometimes, those questions can remain inside a person for many years.
The Wound Does Not Always End With Childhood
One of the most painful things I have come to understand is that the effects of how children are raised can continue into adulthood.
The differences that existed among us as children did not simply disappear when we grew older.
In some ways, they continued to affect relationships among our father's children.
And sadly, the effects have reached another generation.
The children of some of my brothers, even though they belong to the same wider family, have also experienced differences.
This has taught me something very important:
What happens in one generation can influence the next.
When children grow up experiencing division, favoritism or rejection, those experiences can shape the way they later relate to one another.
The cycle can continue unless someone consciously decides to break it.
Favoritism Does Not Only Hurt the Unloved Child
When we talk about discrimination between children, we often focus on the child who receives less love.
That child can certainly be deeply affected.
But there is another side that we should not ignore.
The favored child can also be affected.
A child who is constantly told that they are better than others may grow up believing that they deserve special treatment.
They may develop pride.
They may struggle to accept correction.
They may become dependent on being praised.
And when life does not continue treating them as special, they may struggle to cope.
The child who is rejected can develop a different problem.
They may lose confidence.
They may become insecure.
They may feel inferior.
They may stop believing in themselves.
They may feel that nothing they do will ever be good enough.
So favoritism can damage both sides.
One child may grow up believing:
“I am better than everyone else.”
Another may grow up believing:
“I am not good enough.”
Neither belief is healthy.
Children Need Love, Not Competition
Children in the same family should not have to compete for the love of their parents.
They should not have to compete for food.
They should not have to compete for attention.
They should not have to compete for approval.
They should not have to become better than their brothers and sisters before they feel valued.
A family should be a place where children can celebrate one another's achievements rather than feel threatened by them.
When one child succeeds, another child should be able to say:
“I am happy for you.”
And when one child struggles, the others should be able to say:
“How can we help?”
That is the kind of family environment we should build.
Not Every Difference Is Discrimination
We should also be fair.
Treating children differently does not automatically mean discrimination.
Children have different ages, abilities and needs.
One child may need more educational support.
Another may need medical attention.
An older child may have responsibilities that a younger child does not have.
Fairness does not always mean giving every child exactly the same thing.
Fairness means making sure every child is valued, respected and given an appropriate opportunity to thrive.
The problem begins when differences in treatment communicate:
“You are less important.”
That is what parents and caregivers need to watch carefully.
The Danger of Comparison
One of the easiest ways to create discrimination between children is through constant comparison.
Parents may say:
“Why can't you be like your brother?”
“Look at your sister. She is doing much better than you.”
“You are the problem in this family.”
These words may be intended to motivate.
But they can create shame, resentment and insecurity.
A child should not have to become another child in order to feel worthy.
Every child has their own abilities.
Every child has their own weaknesses.
Every child has their own journey.
Our responsibility is to help each child discover and develop their potential.
Listen to the Child Who Is Becoming Quiet
Sometimes the child who feels discriminated against will not complain.
They may simply become quiet.
They may stop asking for things.
They may stop sharing their feelings.
They may withdraw from family activities.
They may stop believing that anyone will listen.
Parents should pay attention to these changes.
Silence does not always mean that a child is happy.
Sometimes silence means:
“I have stopped expecting anyone to understand me.”
What Can Parents and Guardians Do?
1. See each child as an individual
Do not expect every child to have the same personality, talents or abilities.
2. Avoid unnecessary comparisons
Encourage children to improve themselves rather than compete against their brothers and sisters.
3. Give every child attention
You may not be able to spend exactly the same amount of time with every child every day, but every child should feel that they matter.
4. Listen before judging
When children disagree, hear both sides before deciding who is right or wrong.
5. Correct without labeling
Say:
“What you did was wrong.”
Do not say:
“You are always the bad child.”
Correct the behavior without destroying the child's identity.
6. Celebrate different strengths
One child may be academically strong.
Another may be talented with their hands.
Another may be creative.
Another may be compassionate.
Help each child discover their own strengths.
7. Watch for favoritism
Ask yourself honestly:
“Do I treat one child differently because I naturally prefer them?”
Sometimes we need to examine ourselves before we can correct the situation.
A Message to Parents and Guardians
Dear parent, guardian or caregiver,
Your children are watching how you treat them.
They notice who receives your attention.
They notice who receives your affection.
They notice who you believe.
They notice who you defend.
They notice who you praise.
They notice who you criticize.
And even when they do not speak about it, they may be carrying those experiences inside.
Please do not make your children compete for your love.
There is enough love for every child.
A Message to the Child Who Feels Less Loved
If you are a young person reading this and you feel that another child is valued more than you, please remember:
The way someone treats you does not determine your worth.
You have value.
You have potential.
You have abilities.
You have a future.
Do not allow rejection to become the definition of who you are.
Your story is still being written.
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”— John 15:12
A Call to Action
Today, I ask every parent and guardian to look at each child individually.
Not only at their school results.
Not only at their behavior.
Not only at their mistakes.
Look at the child.
Ask yourself:
“Does this child know that they are loved?”
“Does this child feel that they belong?”
“Does this child believe that they matter?”
And if you are not sure, do something about it.
Say it.
Show it.
Spend time with them.
Listen to them.
Encourage them.
Correct them when necessary, but do not make correction the only way they experience you.
And if you recognize that you have treated your children differently in ways that have caused hurt, it is never too late to begin repairing the relationship.
Sometimes healing begins with something as simple as:
“I realize that I have not treated you fairly. I am sorry. I want to do better.”
Those words can mean more to a child than we realize.
Breaking the Cycle
My own experience has taught me that family wounds can travel.
What begins between adults can affect children.
What happens to children can affect their relationships as adults.
And what adults carry from childhood can sometimes influence how the next generation is raised.
But the cycle does not have to continue.
Someone can choose to stop it.
Someone can decide:
“What happened to us will not happen to our children.”
Someone can choose to love differently.
Someone can choose to listen differently.
Someone can choose to treat children with fairness and dignity.
That person can be you.
Every Child Deserves to Belong
Children may be different.
They may have different personalities.
Different talents.
Different challenges.
Different needs.
But every child deserves dignity.
Every child deserves respect.
Every child deserves opportunity.
Every child deserves to be heard.
And every child deserves to feel:
“I belong here.”
Let us not raise children who spend their childhood trying to prove that they deserve to be loved.
Let us raise children who know that they are loved while also learning responsibility, discipline and respect.
Because when a child knows that they belong, they have a stronger foundation from which to grow.
Do not compare children.
Do not make them compete for love.
See each child.
Hear each child.
Value each child.
Every child matters.
About the Author
Kayemba Kalema is the Founder and Executive Director of Hope Children’s Foundation, an organization committed to supporting vulnerable children and young people through education, care, opportunity and hope.
Through the Voice of Hope series, he shares reflections drawn from life experiences and observations from working with children, encouraging parents, guardians and caregivers to look more deeply at the experiences of children and the environments in which they grow.
Connect With Hope Children’s Foundation
Hope Children’s Foundation 🌐 www.hochildrensfoundation.org ✉️ [email protected]
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