21/01/2026
What we had was short-lived, but it never died in my mind.
For context, straight naman talaga ako dati. As a typical 13 years old na hindi pa mulat sa makamundong mga bagay, the only love I knew was between a man and a woman.
But the world really has a funny way of doing things.
During the pandemic, naging active ako sa mga online games pati na rin sa Discord. I met several people there, became friends with people who Iโm still friends now. Pero isa lang sa mga taong โto ang nakakuha ng loob ko, at kuhang-kuha pa rin hanggang ngayon.
The thing is, he talked with wisdom. But he wasnโt wise enough to not lure me in. He was a lot older, Iโd say older than what was appropriate for me at the time. But our friendly banters in the Discord server led to DMs of who plays this game the best, what piece of plot should I write next, and which place would he travel to after the pandemic ends.
And, as time moved, naturally, we had a thing.
But we never really called it anything, and I guess that was for the best. Calling it something rather than leaving it as it was would have made it even more harder to let go. But since we were an odd pairing, our connection was severed.
The DMs became infrequent, replies slow, and topics bored us. After I called him an a**hole for using me as just a company, doon na nawala ang lahat. But I never really meant itโI just needed a way to keep him off of me, because Iโm afraid of how tight Iโll cling into him if I hadnโt done that.
Years went by and I was still curious. Since we talked only through messages and not calls, wala akong masyadong alam sa kanya. Not even his face. I only knew his age, his name, and how he hated traffic in the city. Those were the pieces of information I held on to, until I realized those werenโt enough.
So I searched for him, and I found him.
But rather than excitement, what came was shock.
I was surprised to find out โheโ was, in fact, a woman. A le***an. Hindi ko alam anong mararamdaman ko noong una. Magagalit ba โko because I am lied to? Or iintindihin ko na lang kasi baka โdi pa siya ready mag-out ng sarili that time?
But only one thing stuck with me, and itโs been idle in my mind for years now and even in the years to come.
Even though I was lied to, even though I felt like Iโm someone who couldnโt be trustedโI want to talk to him and apologize. Or say thanks. Or maybe dig the past. Kung ano man โyun, basta pagbigyan lang akong makausap siya ulit.
And maybe I can tell him that Iโm old enough. That after him, love never really came soft and easy. I ran and ran, excusing myself in every date. I ran and ran, avoiding relationships that were turning serious. I ran and ran, not knowing I was actually running towards him.
I knew to myself that even if I had found out that he was a girl back then, I still would have felt the same. I didnโt love him because I thought he was a guy, I loved him because he was able to decode the person that I am.
I know for a fact na hindi โto makakarating sa kanya. But if ever there happened to be a miracle and it did, Iโd like to ask you one thingโby any chance, do you still listen to the indie band we spoke of and then think of me?
- Shimizu
