Ruach Elohim Foundation

03/04/2026

Our baby was operated on Sunday midday. It was a long operation and she came out of theatre just when the sun set over the capital city. The doctor gave me the positive news that the operation was successful and I could breath again!

Today is her sixth day in Pediatric ICU...... For some reason I thought that we would go home soon. Hearing "successful" is such a relief, but the reality of open surgery recovery is an exhausting, heavy marathon that no one can truly prepare for. I wasn't at all prepared for the long hours of this week that followed. It is so difficult for me to sit by her bedside and watch the physical toll of an open abdominal surgery. Recovery is slow, but understandable.

A Nissen procedure was done, a hiatal hernia repaired and a feeding tube was placed in her stomach. Way too much invasive trauma for a small body!

A Nissen fundoplication procedure is normally a minimally invasive, laparoscopic surgery where chronic gastroesophageal reflux is treated by wrapping the top of the stomach 360 degrees around the lower esophagus. This procedure tightens the sphincter to create a one-way valve, preventing acid reflux from escaping. This allows long-term symptom relief and reduced medication dependency. The hiatal hernia would be repaired at the same time and a feeding tube inserted.

But, because of neurological impairment and due to the fact that she has a ventriculoperitoneal catheter in her brain leading to her abdomen, laparoscopic surgery were not possible. So she had open surgery, cutting through muscle layers, which makes every breath or movement afterwards, difficult. Recovery therefore is a lot more complicated and lengthy.

Her tiny body is now dealing with a much larger, paiful incision and significantly more internal manipulation. The 360-degree wrap creates a very tight new valve and her body has to relearn how to move food or air past that point, which caused swelling, discomfort and constant pain.

After an open abdominal surgery, the bowels often "go to sleep" and take several days to wake back up and handle feedings again. Yesterday she had her first bolus feeding of only 40ml of milk and she was screaming of excruciating pain!! Please God, please ease her pain!

Although the road is long and the medical costs astronomically rising, we are blessed and we are extremely thankful for God's grace to be here where we are right now. We have waited so long for this life changing procedure to be done. Our little warrior has made it through a massive open surgery and I am excited about new days! The successful repair of her hiatal hernia, the reflux sorted, and the new feeding tube mean she finally has a chance to grow without pain and discomfort!

Thank you so much to everyone supporting her, everyone supporting me, every visit, each and every message of encouragement, every needed prayer... God has sent you to us because only He knows how my heart needed you!! You are investing in her recovery and helping complete the circle of her care, physically, emotionally and spiritually more than you can ever realise! Please never stop praying for us! We are hoping to go to the pediatric ward shortly.

Donations will go directly toward the huge medical expenses, post-operative medications and the specialized equipment needed for her new feeding.

29/03/2026

02h22. I just smile when I see the time. I wonder what is the meaning of, and if there is even a meaning or rationale behind double or triple digits in my life. Tóó often it happens that I would check the time, and it will be double digits! I will wake up at times like 02h02 or 04h44. So often in one day, I would take my phone and on the screen would be 11h11, 14h14, 18h18 and so forth. Sometimes even the date and month corresponds with the digits.
I can not sleep, the lyrics of Waymaker plays in my head, but the heaviness of the stone in my chest is all over. I have never experienced so many challenges since the start of this ministry like what we went through last year. And yet it seems that 2026 is no different..... we never catch a break..... when it rains, it pours, and it seems we got stuck in a rainy season in a pool of sticky mud! No relief, no umbrella, no pause, soaking wet and cold, tóó much for tóó long.....

We started the year with our babies and toddlers having the flu, spreading like a wild fire through the house, one baby admitted to hospital. At the end of January, we received an abandoned baby with a heart condition. She was operated on, but ever since, very fragile and weak, and most of the time making me walk on eggs without breathing!! By the end of February she was admitted to hospital with Bronchitis, not at all a good condition to have when you already have co-morbidities and a weak heart muscle!
The very same evening, one of our other special needs babies was also admitted with Pneumonia due to aspiration. She has severe underlying neurological impairment and gastrointestinal difficulties with longstanding feeding difficulty, ongoing episodes of prolonged vomiting, resulting in dehydration and poor weight gain. For months we have tried to get her in good health to have a life-changing operation, but easier said than done. The mud is sticky....

Both of them were discharged three days later, but our relief was short-lived. Our baby with the brain impairment was again admitted soon after, very very sick, and we realised the urgency for this very much needed feeding tube insertion and anti-reflux surgery. But she had to recover first from the lung infection before any operation could take place. The challenges were growing taller day by day synchronizing with the pile of medical bills and my anxiety! For weeks the non-stop, bloody vomiting was nerve wrecking for all of us, I didn't sleep day or night, I saw her little body becoming weaker and I was consistenly begging and praying for a breakthrough, for God to make a way for us, to dry the mud, so that we can move forward!!

At last, she was, yet again, admitted for intensive treatment, intravenous antibiotics and medicine and all the necessary scans and blood tests and physiotherapy to get her ready and fit for this life-changing and long overdue operation. And then, by God's endless and faithful grace, she was miraculously cleared for surgery on Friday evening!!

Later today, she will be wheeled into theater and hopefully into a new season of her life, with much better, comfort-directed and reliable nutritional management, growth and healing!

My excitement for her "near-relief" is running through my eyes since yesterday, my heart beating faster than it should, my cheeks staying wet. I am sleep deprived, but okay. My smile seems calm, but oh boy, my heart and voice tremble! Yes, I am anxious. Maybe, just maybe, the rainy season has come to an end for now, maybe the muddy clay will get dry and we can skip and dance again into our calling, full of renewed hope and energy and our eyes fixed with faith on our Way Maker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light in the Darkness!! My God, that is Who you are!!

24/03/2026

I just woke up, 03h03. My stomach turns, I am nauseas. I can feel my heartbeat is rapid and I have to breath deeply to catch air in my lungs. I feel a big, heavy stone in my diaphragm. I feel so scared, and I know this is panick..... I don't know whether I am able to handle this again.....

On the second last day of 2025, we received our 49th baby through our Baby Saver Box..... and until now, I wasn't able to talk about it.... it feels as my existence was numbed by this one.... another baby with severe hydrocephalus....the 4th one since we started this ministry....

I don't even remember any detail or how I got back into the house, but when I put the baby in the cot, Timmy, our very first baby with hydrocephalus, now a healthy little boy, climb onto the railing of the cot to see better, as if he also could not believe his eyes and said: "Mama, did Zephania come back?" The resemblance of Zephania was undeniable......

It was a little girl this time, awake and alert and playing with her hands while her little bright eyes looked around in all directions without her head turning, as it was too heavy to move....

She was okay and I was so relieved. I saw the scar on her head where a shunt was inserted to drain the excess fluid. Her wide opened fontanel was soft so there was no build up of fluid. She could suck on a bottle and finished it quickly. I was instantly and totally in love.

A few days went by before I took her to our pediatrician. Everyone was still settling in getting ready for a new year after the Christmas holidays so I thought to wait a few days before I took her for a routine check-up. But then, one morning, when I placed my hand on her head, it was stiff, not soft anymore. I froze. Cerebrospinal fluid was building up..... the shunt was blocked!!!! I felt my knees turned to jelly, pins and needles in my hands, my arms was numb and yet I felt pain in them, I just knew.....

The doctor examined her and told me what my heart already knew. The shunt was blocked, fluids were building up creating severe discomfort and pain, all we could do, was making her comfortable with palliative care and very strong pain medication. Two months life expectancy..... if not less...

He asked me to wait in the room next door while we waited for the pharmacy to prepare the medicine which will help her and relief this excruciating pain. When the door closed, my heart and eyes flooded with all the anticipation and emotions..... it felt as if my heart teared in two, my chest burst open with sorrow.......

I told God that if I could do anything in this world right now to make her better, I would....... and then I reminded Him that He is the only one who can do it, why wouldn't He???

As the days went by, she got worse. I could see her head growing and expanding rapidly. I didn't tell anyone about Baby #49, because I simply didn't have words. When a heart shatters that many times, you eventually run out of words to glue it back together. Only nearest family and friends who visited and saw her, knew about her. I felt numb of the pain I was carrying in my heart, I was silently debating all the time with God about this..... why, why all the time these little ones with the most broken little bodies? So many days and nights followed with reasoning, so many thoughts and questions and whyyyyys..... I asked Him if He wanted to tell me something, did I have pride? Was my head, proverbially speaking, too big?? One night I sobbed in my bed and I asked Him for the countless time why? Why do You want me to care for them if they are going to die anyway....??? In my spirit God answered me so clearly..... "because you said you would."

And I suddenly remembered!!! I remembered the day in 2023 my husband suggested we have to move from our house so that we could use the whole house for the babies and then he ended his suggestion with "and then we can take in more special needs babies......." I asked God for His confirmation that day and the same evening, we received a special needs baby in our Baby Saver Box!! And suddenly I remembered when I opened that box and I saw the baby, I said yes to God.....

His answer—"because you said you would"—is both beautiful and devastating. Although it seems that my nervous system is stuck in "fight or flight", I have to inhale deeply, and give her the dignity and love she so much deserves. I have to give her a name, my touch and my heart. I have to be her "mama" when there is no one else. When the world gave up on her, I have to hang on and believe.

"I understand now God, I have to provide a soft place for a little soul to land before it returns to You."

My answer is: "yes God"

15/03/2026

Another day in Paradise..... sometimes you just need to pause, breathe and be..... how blessed we are!

15/03/2026

🚐 OUR CUP RUNS OVER! 🚐

The start of the new year has sped off with a speed I can never equal. I struggle to come to terms that we are already in the middle of month three! There were no chance for rest or reflection, but we had to stop and share with you the incredible goodness overflowing at Ruach Elohim Foundation.

I am humbled to the core. I am grateful with every fiber in my being!! I search for words that do not even exist. I want to scream my greatfulness from the rooftops, and yet just the thought of that doesn't seem enough to thank God for His endless, faithfull and forever provision in our lives and on this incredible Godly journey! We are blessed with so much more than abundance! Our cup runs over with goodness, grace, and mercy.

🚍 OUR BUS IS PAID IN FULL!

Thank you God! There is none like You!!
Finally, our little ones have the safe, reliable space they need to travel. Miles of safety, giggles, smiles and the cutest conversations!!
NINE of our toddlers are attending pre-school this year! Watching them climb into this bus every morning stepping into their futures is a blessing beyond words! To reach a milestone this huge like paying off a dedicated bus is the result of divine Godly provision and an incredible community working in total synchronicity.

Bianca McKenzie who started Back-a-Buddy Fund for us, thank you for your beautiful heart and the huge effort and time you put into it!! My words fall short... To every single person who heard the call and contributed: THANK YOU!!!! Your obedience has changed little lives, and OURS, forever!!
A special, heartfelt shout-out to All4thebabies! Your sacrifice, your sweat, and your endless, selfless endurance during the Nedbank Desert Dash 2025 and beyond, speak louder than any words ever could. You did this for babies who cannot do anything for themselves, and I wish you could see the depth of my gratitude.
Every millisecond of every day, I am just thankful! Thank you for "cycling" this mission with us!

05/02/2026

Dove l’abbandono finisce e inizia la vita

Un gesto estremo trasformato in un atto di amore. La Ruach Elohim Foundation offre una via sicura per i neonati in difficoltà. Vedere questo posto dal vivo cambia la prospettiva su cosa significhi "accoglienza".

Averlo vissuto mi ha scosso. È un confine sottile tra la tragedia e la speranza. Secondo voi, strutture del genere dovrebbero essere obbligatorie in ogni angolo del mondo? Scrivetemi cosa ne pensate

31/12/2025

Here we are. Minutes ticking off before we enter 2026. How do I reflect on a year so surreal and yet so real that sometimes I still feel and smell and relive some of the moments! This year was a race, a race against time and everything that had to be done every moment of every day, and yet again, I was defeated. It seems that there is just never enough time to do all that has to be done.....

It has been a very challenging year, the toughest by far since we started this amazing faith journey!! But even amidst the most difficult challenges, we were blessed in abundance beyond measure, more than we could ever imagine!! God is faithful. Forever. He is good all the time!! Every time.

We loved hard and fiercely, unconditionally and fearlessly! I gave my all, all I have and all I know. We gain and we loss, the loss so severe that until this moment, there are no words, not in my heart, not in my mind, not in the universe, to justify or describe the grief-stricken feeling of loss in my heart.....
Zephania, not a day goes by without you in my thoughts and in my heart.......

To everyone we know or who knows us, everyone who carried us in their hearts and in their prayers, everyone who continiously supported us in the slightest or biggest way, everyone who took our hand to help us save more innocent little babies, we thank you from the bottom of our overflowing hearts!! We cannot do it for one day without your support!! We have received 16 babies through our Baby Saver Box this year, bringing the total babies saved since the inception of the box to 49 babies!! We are só greatful and thankful for every brave mother who choose life for their babies, and who surrenders their baby safely instead of dumping or killing them.
I am extremely and forever thankful to my Lord and Savior for this calling upon my life and entrusting me with the caring of these precious little souls! His provision, His faithfulness, His mercy and His presence in our lives everyday is beyond human comprehension!!

May your heart be guided and the year 2026 be filled with His love, His presence, His wisdom, and His glory. May you carry His light and love to make a positive difference in a very dark world, and may God bless you in abundance!!!

13/09/2025

Today was supposed to be the anniversary of your 1st birthday, my dear and most precious Zephania...... but thirty days ago God came to fetch you to be with Him...... We lit a candle today for your first birthday and Timmy blew it out. Timmy, only four years old and our first encounter with hydrocephalus. He had a successful brain operation and placement of a VP shunt. He is so in touch with our feelings and the emptiness you left when you departed. One morning he came standing next to me and asked: "Mama, where is Zephania?" I said: "He is with Jesus, Timmy" And then: "Is he coming back?" I said: "No Timmy, we are going to be with him." He stood there for a long time and I went on with the daily chores..... Suddenly one of our kiddies shouted at me: "Mama, Timmy is crying..... another confirmed and said:"yes, his face is wet." He was still standing there where I left him..... he stood for a few more seconds as if he was getting himself together, then turned around, walked up to me asking: "Mama, what are we eating?" I guess we each have our ways dealing with this immense loss in our heart and our home.
The past month is a blur..... the days are as busy as always, no chance to deal with anything. There is an overwhelming emptiness, there is a hole in my heart, our house is full and busy, but so empty and quiet at the same time.... some days it feels to me as if I am drifting in and out of consciousness.....

The last time I felt like this was when my brother died....8 years ago..... the same raw pain in my heart and a sadness beyond words which never seems to leave me. The only difference is no one mentions your name Zephania, because you were not "mine." Someone gave their condolences and in the same sentence she said: "Luckily he wasn't yours. Imagine if he was...." It hit me harder than I could imagine. I never thought of it..... you were not mine, but to me, you were absolutely and wholeheartedly MINE!! I loved you no less than my own. The pain in my fibre is constant, it is unbearable, the long nights I lay awake and long for you, is real. I feel you, I hear you, I miss you so much.... I cry when I am alone, the hole in my heart is bigger than I thought it would be, because you were not "mine" and I wish you were. Maybe then, I would be allow to mourn you... I wish I didn't love so hard, but I don't know how to do that. The morning you died, I am sure my heart broke......because since then, I have this pain in my chest. Someone told me to let you go now, not to hold on to these feelings of immense pain and lost. And I try, God knows how I tried these past few weeks!! I try, thirty times a day I let you go, but you are still here. I keep shifting you out of my mind, but you are here in my heart all the time, I carry you with me, I feel the weight of your loss in my stomach and in my heart. I dread the nights because almost every night I wake up with a sense of apnea. One night I was so sure I was dying, I woke up, struggling to breath and nausea crept all over me. I panicked, because I don't know how to handle these feelings. I don't want these feelings, I don't hold on, but it is not letting me go. And in the morning, I wish I can just go back to sleep so I don't have to face the day. I catch myself really not able to concentrate on the things I have to do.
I keep reprimanding myself to get my ducks in a row, to focus on the little lives in the cribs who needs me...
It's hard, and even harder to navigate the loss I feel. My brain keeps comforting me because you are released of your suffering and discomfort, but my heart yearns for you. I know you are safe, you are healed, you are whole, you are holy........
Your little time on earth were not easy, but your suffering was not in vain, you tought me more about purity than I could learn in a lifetime, you did so much more for me than I could ever do for you. I miss you Zephania, I grant you the Kingdom of heaven, I grant you health and holiness, I grant you to see His face and be in His presence forever... One day I will see you, but until then, may God help me to get through this....
i love you sò much..... happy birthday Zephania...

15/08/2025

365 days. Three. Hundred. Sixty. Five. Days. God, I humbly just don't understand......
I woke a few minutes ago, it is 04h04.......my pillow is wet, my eyes are so puffy, I struggle to open them. My chest is HEAVY! REALITY HITS ME FULL IN THE FACE! How do I describe it..... i feel flat..... as if there is nothing inside me..... it feels as if my ribs are lying against my back bone.....so só empty.....

Baby Zephania was not doing good the last few days. He struggled with heavy breathing. For weeks it felt to me that he was okay, I realise now it was me being in and out of denial... What is denial? Is it hope?? What is the difference between denial and hope or is it just the same thing??

Did I shut my eyes for reality or did I really with every fibre in my being believed and prayed for a miracle? I did..... all the time..... I was even trying to convince God that I need a miracle for Zephania, a new brain for Zephania, for the world to SEE THAT GOD IS ALIVE!! I reminded God about Lazarus..... I said: "God, do you remember the day that You called Lazarus from the grave? DO YOU REMEMBER GOD??? He was already smelling, did You smell him, God?? And yet, against everything that pointed to death, You called him to life. And he came, and he was not smelling anymore..... and he was alive!!! YOU RAISED HIM FROM THE DEATH, YOU GAVE HIM BACK HIS LIFE!!! Do you remember??? What does it take from You to give Zephania a new brain? Please God, call his brain to life.....just one word.....Your breath over his brain, please God, just one breath, please........" And then I would end off, "but Your will, not mine..." and then I would still go on..... "but why would You not want to will..... I think You want to, God, remember Lazarus......"

One evening I found our grandson and little girl praying for Zephania for healing and I thought of the scripture in James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." And I said: "God, they are righteous, please hear their prayer...." And I believed.......

Sixty four days ago me and baby Zephania left the hospital in Windhoek. Nearly 400km from home. No more medical intervention, no more invasive surgery. Only palliative care, painfree comfort. The prognoses of a brainstem shutting down slowly.

For many days after that, I was walking on eggs, too scared to sleep, waiting for death to, any moment, uninvitedly, be knocking on our door. And every morning baby Zephania was still there. Fighting to stay. My heart was slowly getting less anxious.

He was still being tubefed with a nasogastric tube. I believed it was irritating his stomach lining, he had so much mucus, he was coughing because of that, sometimes couching up old blood. I was suctioning liters of mucus from his tiny body. I was literally taking it moment by moment. Sometimes the loud stridor would stop. Is he dying or is he getting better? Everytime I chose to believe he is getting better. HOW STRONG IS DENIAL?? Or is it hope???

Early this week, I got the news that I have to testify in an important court case in Windhoek on Thursday morning. (yesterday) It would be very quick. The prosecutor understood my situation that I could not be away from home. She promised that I would be the first on the stand and could travel back immediately after. But, I had to be early. Two hours after sunrise. It meant that half of my trip would be in the dark. I cannot drive in the dark. So I had to travel late Wednesday afternoon. Which meant I have to leave baby Zephania for one night....

On Wednesday afternoon, I took him to the specialist to change his nasogastric tube. It went quick. At one spesific moment, I looked intensely at him, and the thought crossed my mind to take him with me. I bent over him with my face against his little cheek and I said: "Zephania, do you know how much I love you?"

The hours sped, the day was not waiting for me. After the doctor's appointment, I rushed home to pack my things. I was counting the hours of my travelling time and I realised i have to be quick, otherwise I would be driving in the dark.... I put Zephania in his cot, and kissed him on his forehead, which nowadays felt like a balloon full of water but not firm and painful anymore.

I drove to Windhoek and made it safely to my mom's home about 30 minutes after sunset.

And then, yesterday morning, just after 04h00, I got a videocall from my nightshift caretaker. She panicked. She showed me Zephania. To me, he seemed fast asleep. He was so peaceful. She said the stridor stopped, there was no sound, no breathing, ALL I COULD HEAR WAS THE OVERWHELMING SILENCE!!! It happened before, stridor stopped, no visible breathing, and then after a few seconds, he starts breathing again. She turned him, his little hands was floppy, I asked her to open his eyes, his eyes was still alive? Denial or hope?
And then........ I saw my husband's big hand on his little chest, covering his whole chest with one hand, and it struck me how small his body is! He said: "Nellie, there is no heartbeat, nothing, he left us...he is healed now, he is with God." He felt for a pulse in his neck, but nothing...... I asked him to check his temperature, 36.2. Reality dawned on me. His cute little body was still warm where his little soul left maybe a few minutes ago.......

I could literally feel a pain in my chest. I couldn't believe it. I phoned back, frantic, another videocall, "please show him again, did he start breathing yet????" Nothing. Silence in overload. My heart sanked. My mom came into my room, I told her Zephania is dead. I phoned again, believing they would tell me he is okay, he is breathing again. Nothing. He was so peaceful, no sign of struggle, no blue lips, no mucus, nothing. Just peace. I believe his little heart just stopped beating when God silently arrived and took his little hand to take him home.

My heart broke. I felt betrayed. Whyyyyy God, why????? I don't understand......out of all the 365 days.......You chose to take him on this one day when I wasn't there to hold him.......no one was holding him against their heart...... the guilt overwhelmed me, why didn't I bring him with? I promised him that he would never be alone again, that I would never leave him alone..... did God wait for me to leave so He could take him? Was I the one holding him back from heaven....... was God being a gentleman to wait for me to leave......?????

I send a message to the prosecutor, hoping she would excuse me. I still had to be there. Everything went so slow......

I phoned again, pleading with them to just keep him for me until I am back home. I cried without wanting to, my tears flowed freely with every breath, I was driving through the traffic, wanting to scream to them to hurry up, Zephania was waiting for me.... I came home last night, my husband warming the house with a fire in the fireplace. I rushed into the room, thinking that we will all be surprised now because he will be breathing...... denial or hope???????

Zephania was peacefully lying in his cot, tucked in with a thick, soft blanket. I put my hand on his head, and the bitterness of his icy cold skin split through my body and heart!! He is really gone.....

I picked him up and hold him very tight against my body, I cried, my tears fell onto his beautiful little face. I said I'm sorry, I am so so sorry for leaving you behind, for not being here to hold you.....

I went to sit in front of the fireplace for us to warm up, for death to become a little bit warmer..... I hold him, kissed him, saying my sorrys and my goodbyes.....

And then two men came to fetch him, I tucked him tightly into the warm blanket, carried him to the car. I kissed him once more, then gave him to the passenger who came with the driver to fetch him. I told him to hold him on his lap all the way where they are taking him. Just before I closed the door, I once again took his little hand out of the blanket and kissed it one more time, and I remembered how I kissed that same little hand the first day I saw him, promising him that he will never be alone again....

They drove away into the night, I felt nauseous and alone.

I was silently asking God to show him to me in a dream, how he looks now, with a heavenly, healed body, breathing easily. I will wait upon it.....i can only imagine......

My heart is so broken, but it is well with my soul.....

17/07/2025

17/07/2025

When my husband and I, both with white skin and blue eyes, adopted our beautiful daughter from Kazakhstan 14 years ago, we knew we were gaining more than a child — we were gaining a piece of our hearts we didn’t even know was missing.

She had tan skin, almond-shaped brown eyes, and a light that shone from within.

I’ll never forget our first meal out together as a new family. The waitress came to our table, glanced at our daughter, and bluntly asked,
"What?! Didn’t her mom want her?"

Without hesitation, I looked her in the eye and said,
"Yes. I want her very much."

My daughter was only 10 months old then. She couldn’t understand the sting of that comment — but I did. And I made a silent promise right then: she would never feel unwanted, unworthy, or unloved.

And here we are now, years later — mother and daughter. Not by blood, but by choice, by love, and by every heartbeat in between.

She is mine.
I am hers.
Wanted — forever and always, no matter what. 💕

📸 Credit: Cherilyn Amborski | Shared to spread kindness and love.