Matunda,Moi's Bridge

01/05/2026

Let me give you free advice today. Never — and senzii, I repeat NEVER — let your kiherehere push you into telling a woman she is being cheated on.

Unless she is your sister. Or maybe a close cousin. Otherwise kaa kando. Yako macho tu. Because when the dust settles, you will somehow become the villain.

Let me explain. Kinyoochowe, aisifuye mvua alipatana na mafuriko juzi.

So, back in the day I used to drive a matatus in Mtwapa, Mombasa. Not just any matatu. Car number one. Car number one be the illest matatu on any route.

Sikuwa mchache. Nilikuwa napiga clean luku and serious cologne mpaka nanukia mathweety na makeki. Mayengs loved that matatu. You can say they also loved me. Ningeenda squad mzima sijabeba mwanaume. Mademu tupu.

One day a fellow crew member came to me. “Wajiji,” he said, “there’s a girl who refuses to board my matatu. Every time she sees yours, she waits for it.”

They called me Wajiji in Mombasa. And the girls in question was Rukia. My guy asked me to introduce them. I did.

Simpooo. Simpooo. Simpoooooo.

My friend Ali was quite a charming guy. But he was also very complicated. He had a wife. A whole fvkcing wife. And a couple of baby mamas.

But Rukia didn’t know that. I didn't tell her. I didn't think they would be serious. But within no time she was deeply in love with him.

Two months later Rukia got a chance to travel to Switzerland. Ngaes, this was before WhatsApp. Before smartphones. Their only way to communicate was email. And my guy, who had gotten Rukia to fall in love with him, didn't have an email.

So, guess whose email they used?
Mine. Yes. My personal email account [email protected] became their communication headquarters.

Sometimes we would go to the cyber café together with my friend to read the emails. Other times I would read them alone and pass the message to Ali.

After some months the emails from Rukia started changing. They became emotional. Serious. She wrote about leaving Europe and coming back to Kenya to marry Ali.

That’s when I got worried. Because I knew Ali was just a mazafuaka who wanted to have fun with her. And marriage was not in Ali’s plans. Si alikuwa na Bibi tayari. In fact he had made another woman pregnant the time Rukia left. Ninja be a snooker player.

So one day I decided to help Rukia. Or so I thought. I told her the truth. I told her Ali had a wife. I told her about the baby mamas. I told her she had a chance at a good life in Europe and she should stay there. I genuinely believed I was helping her.

Did she listen? Of course not. Mutanyuku úsu was in love. She boarded the next flight back to Kenya. She flew straight into the situation I had warned her about.

When the truth finally came out Guess who became the villain?

Me.

She accused me of trying to sabotage their relationship. Ati I was jealous. Ati I wanted her. Can you Imagine that?.

Even after she later discovered that everything I had said was true… I was still the bad guy.

And that is the day I learned an important life lesson. A very important one. Nowadays when it comes to other people’s relationships, I follow only two rules:

Sioni.

Siskii.

In fact, naitwa sijuagi.

Because sometimes telling the truth will only earn you one thing, enemies you never applied for.

Makití asu.

Shenzii type.

I am still mad 24 years later.

Have you ever been in a situation like that?.

Rukia Mshamba.

....★★★★....

If you enjoy these local stories, I have an eBook ready — Previously On Jay’s Anatomy, Volume One.

More stories, more madness, more Nairobi life. It's packed with the kind of stories you read here. Only longer, wilder and unfiltered.

It goes for KSh 350. My number is 0726312313. Once you have paid, send me a word on WhatsApp, the same number and I will send you a copy of the book ASAP.

Volume 2, will be out this weekend. I am also open to pre-orders.

01/05/2026

Men’s “shoulder to lean on” and wimens “shoulder to lean on”…very different ball games.

A man shows up with solutions. Money, muscle, plans. A woman? “Pole sana… utado?” Soft life support.

She can woooshe you to death ukicheza.

“Heey Jay, umepotelea wapi?” a friend texted.

“Niko tena sana. Life ndio imenipiga chenga kidogo,” I told her when we met.

“Jay, Mimi saa hii pesa sina… but anything else, I’ve got you,” she said.

Nikacheka. “Please take that ‘anything’ back.”

“Aii, kwanini?. Kwani what can you even ask for?”

“Okay.”

Silence.

“Jay, sema tu…”

"I am giving you a last chance to take anything back," I tried to warn her.

“Jay, Sema tu. Humour me,” she smiled.

“Sawa… nataka mechi.”

She was shocked.... “Wewe Jay, umeenda mbali.”

“I warned you.”

“Are you serious?”

“Very.”

"Jaaay, where is that even coming from?. Do you even find me attractive?” she asked

I remained silent.

"Jay, you have ambushed me."

"Noo, I didn't."

"Jay, shauri yako if I won't want to see you after this. Twende kwangu ndio Karibu.".........

....★★★★.....

This is a repost. Been busy finishing an ebook. And it's done. A story you have never read here. If you enjoy local stories, relatable and funny and chaotic, then this is your book. Its going for 250 bob.

My number is 0726312313. Once you have paid, send me a word on WhatsApp. I will forward you a copy.

If you didn't get a copy of Volume one, you can get volume one and two for 500 bob.

11/02/2026

08/01/2026

29/12/2025

It's that time of the year between Christmas and New Year. It can get boring. But for you guys, Keep refreshing this page though. Nitawapea mastory back to back. There won't be a dull moment for you.

Also, get yourself a copy of my ebook. It's called Previously on Jay's Anatomy -Volume One. Na ni mbayaaa. It's only 350 bob pekee. 265 pages of laughter and relatable stories.

My number is 0726312313. Once you send, drop a message for me on WhatsApp, same number. I will send you a copy ASAP.

29/12/2025

Back of my ID. When I tell you guys I inherited a tree, you thought I was joking🤣.

You have no choice. You just have to buy my ebook otherwise🤣

29/12/2025

Miss Músembi transferred to our school when I was in standard six. She was straight out of college. She taught us English, Swahili, Science and GHC. GHC was Geography, History and CRE. She arrived mid term ya third term.

We got off on the wrong foot though.

I accidentally hit her with a paper I had aimed at another pupil. She entered our classroom to introduce herself as the new class teacher. Our class teacher alikuwa ameenda maternity leave. She was met by the flying paper I had just thrown aiming at the boy who sat near the door. I hit her on the face.

"Nani huyo amerusha hii karatasi?", she asked.

I stood up and owned up to my sins. Tried to look as remorseful as s**t, ikashindikana. I pleaded innocence hakusikia.

"I didn't mean for it to hit you. I was aiming for that boy kwa mlango. I am sorry", I told her.

Akanichuna masikio hio ikaisha. Na hata sikusikia uchungu. Na alikuwa ananukia marash. Akinichuna, I looked at her face. Her skin was flawless. Tukakutanisha macho, I looked into her eyes, mpaka akasmile. Akaniwachilia. She had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. Nilikuwa katoto but I could tell a beautiful face.

She moved me from the back of the class into the front as further punishment.

At the end of that term, I led in my class kwa exams. I was the best student. I was trying to impress her. And she was thoroughly impressed.

"Unaona ukiwacha vituko, unaweza kuwa mwerevu zaidi", she told me when she was handing me the results.

The holiday that followed, Miss Músembi got married. Her husband had just completed building his house in our village. Our home and his were separated by a forest. Miss Músembi akaanza kuitwa Mrs. Mwalúko.

After she got married, we started meeting kwa kisima tukichota maji.

"Ulisikia siku hizi nilihamia huku kwenyu?", she asked me when we met at the well.

"Sasa mbona?", I asked her.

"Niliolewa na jirani wenyu. I even met your mother. Kwanini hausomei shule yake?", she asked me. My mother was also a teacher.

"Nilikuwa nasomea huko. I transferred when I was in class four", I told her.

"Now shule zimefungwa, I hope unasoma?".

"Mimi, hapana. Nitaanza kusoma tukifungua shule", I told her.

"I want you to write me a composition about your holidays so far and bring it to me at home", she told me.

That's how I began going to her house.

Huyu naye nikama aliolewa na Mimba. Before the year ended, she gave birth. By the time we were in class eight, she had two kids already.

In class eight, it was clear to everyone that I was her favourite pupil in the whole school. She brought me pancakes or chapatis in school. I am the only pupil who refused to call her Mrs. Mwalúko. I called her Miss Músembi or Teacher Bernice.

"Kwanini usiniite Mrs. Mwalúko?", she would ask me.

"I love your name", I would tell her.

"Watu wanasikia vibaya wakiona nakuletea hizi pancakes. They don't know I reward you for your excellent behaviour and good marks", she once told me.

Some teachers had started questioning her why she favoured me. They even told my mom and her husband. My mom and her husband laughed it off.

Mazoea mabaya. I went to High School, nikapata huko sio kwa mama ya mtu. Hakuna Teacher Bernice, sijui Miss Músembi. Huko walimu walikuwa wakali kushinda polisi. I had to adjust very quickly. I couldn't wait for midterm to tell Teacher Bernice how high school was.

"Daddie wetu alienda America, na wewe ukaenda shule. I am bored and lonely", she confided in me.

By Daddie wao, she meant her husband. I had no idea what the word lonely meant, I had to look it up in the dictionary that very same day.

"Anarudi lini?", I asked her.

"Ameenda kusoma for four years", she told me.

She would add me more pocket money nikirudi shule. Nikiwa high school sijawahi sota. Pesa otas n***a.

Every time we met tukifunga shule she was keen to hear how school was for me. I spent a lot of time in her house. She would come home and ask my mother permission to have me baby sit her kids when she was out running errands.

One day while helping her collect firewood in the forest between our homes, we heard some noises. I was closest to the noise. I peeped to see. It was her sister in-law. Wameolewa boma moja na mabrothers. Alikuwa anapokea Shamukwale kwa msitu.

She asked me what it was, I lied to her it was nothing. But mautamu zikawazidi, the woman shouted vile anasikia utamu. She also peeped and saw them. She led me away before they could see us.

"You are now grown", she sat me down to interrogate me. "Unamaliza shule this year. Do you know what they were doing?".

"Yes I know. They were having s*x", I told her.

Then she began to explain, "you shouldn't have seen that. You are too young. Her husband hasn't been home from Nairobi for a year. Ukiwa mkubwa you will understand these things. For now, try to erase that from your mind".

I was so shy I didn't know what to say.

"Wewe uko na girlfriend?".

"Noo, not yet", I told her. "Saa hii na concentrate na KCSE".

"I love it you are focused. I will be jealous if a girl takes you away from me", she jokingly said.

"Please don't tell anyone what you saw in the forest. Keep it to yourself. Let's protect her dignity", she told me.

Sijawahi ambia mtu, ni wewe nimeambia tu. Na ni sababu hauwajui.

After I wrote my KCSE, wueeeh, ngoja kwanza. Kunywa maji. Did I just say I wrote my KCSE?. Kwani ni thesis?. Kasia mimi.

I stayed a whole year home after KCSE trying to navigate adulthood. She used to pay me to help her do house chores. Nilikuwa naenda kwetu usiku.

One day while she was seeing me off, she told me, "I am a very lucky woman to have you around. You have helped me raise my kids. I don't feel alone. If I weren't afraid of people, I would ask your mom ukuwe unaishi huku. I enjoy your company and I hate to see you leave".

She embraced me and we remained locked for a very long time. She rested in my chest. When she let me go, sh told me, "nataka kesho ukuje kwa nyumba saa nane ukimaliza kazi nyumbani. I have a little surprise waiting for you".

That night, when I got home, I found my dad home. He had come from Nairobi. He asked me to accompany him back to Nairobi the following day. I wished he would wait just for a day. Wapi?.

It bothered me, I would never know what surprise Miss Músembi had waiting for me that day.

Or will I?....

The following day, I felt bad leaving without having a chance to tell Miss Músembi kwaheri.

It took so many years for us to meet again. I was driving from ushago when I saw her in the stage......

....★★★★....

Miss Músembi ngwenda múno🤣🤣🤣.

The rest of this story is in my ebook. Among other mastories. The ebook goes for 350 shillings. Send the money to 0726312313 and send a word to my WhatsApp, same number and I will send you a copy ASAP. Anytime of the day.

23/12/2025

17/12/2025