Fatherhood Concern International

Fatherhood Concern International Fatherhood is key in shaping our culture, religion and communities. Fatherhood must therefore be taken serious. FCI is here for fathers.

Fathers must be equipped to play the roles they are mandated to play in the lives of the children God entrust on us.

16/03/2024

'GET HER FOR ME! SHE LOOKS GOOD ME.". by Eric Ellington Agyedenah

PART 1

Parenting is a very challenging job especially for those who really want to do it and do it well. Parents always have to navigate between what looks good for their children and what is really good for them. It is not all the things that look good for children are good for them. Most parents have plans concerning what they want their children to be. The reality is that the children also come with their individual unique qualities and most often have their own plans that are different from their parents plans. This conflict of plans can be devastating and can lead to a strain relationship between parent and child. The children might want that which looks good for them but the parents must patiently and tactically guide them to what is good for them. The parenting challenges are compounded due to the fact that there are no institutions or carefully prepared curriculum courses on parenting. We all jump into it unprepared or thinking we are prepared for it but only to realize that we are not there at all. Even after one or two or three or four or five children, when you think you are an experienced parent, the next child comes with its own characteristics and traits that is in no way connected to the previous one or ones. I am talking from experience as a parent with three children and as someone whose parents had eight children. Each of my siblings and I are different and unique in our own ways and so do my own children too.

Before I became a parent, whenever I visited a family with children I would always conclude that the parents of that family are not neat because their living room will always be scattered, disorganized and in disorder. It is very easy to judge, right? And most often we judge based on our own ignorance, erroneous conclusions and biases more than evidence based. When I became a parent with young children, not only was our living room always scattered, disorganized and disorder but our living room walls were all filled with different colors of crayon scribbles and drawings. It was then that I understood what Ex-President Mahama meant when he told the then candidate Nana Addo that he cannot criticize him because he has never been a President before. Talk is cheap, right?. I have since learnt my lesson not to criticise any parent on how he/she has handled his/her children especially when my children are not yet at that level. I have also learnt not to judge anyone until I have walked in their shoes. Good decision? Maybe.

If you are familiar with the Bible, you will perceive the source of the title of my article. For those of us who are not too familiar with the Bible, this title is taken from the book of Judges chapter 14 verses 3. It says in full "His father and mother objected. 'Isn’t there even one woman in our tribe or among all the Israelites you could marry?' they asked. 'Why must you go to the pagan Philistines to find a wife?' But Samson told his father, 'Get her for me! She looks good to me.". Every parent can relate on the countless number of demands they receive everyday from their children. I know because I do receive those demands too. I also made them when I was a child. Children always want that which looks good. Good shoes good dresses, good food, good toys, good books, good phones, good house, good car etc. I remember my 6 years old daughter, Anyesom once asked me to buy iPhone 14 pro max for her on her 7th birthday. I didn't know how iPhone pro max looks like and I still don't know. What I know is that it is a class phone for people and she wanted it. Like Samson she was saying "Get iphone for me! IPhone looks good to me." That might be true but at that age iPhone or any other phone was not appropriate for her.

A few years ago when my first son, Yinyelsame, was five years old he also made a certain demand that up to now I still think about it. It was a late Saturday morning after we had returned from their football training at Ghana's 1995 under 17 world cup winning star, Awuku Issakah's Soccer Academy at community 18 on the Spintex Road, Accra. We were having our breakfast together while reflecting on their performance for the day and areas they need to improve. Then Yinyelsame came out with a suggestion. He suggested that he wants to go to America to continue his soccer development. When I told him that I do not have the money to send him, he suggested that I should sell our house and use the proceeds to send him to America. When I questioned him on where he would live when he comes back to Ghana from America, he said he is not sure that if he goes to America he will come back to Ghana again. He wanted to go to America because like Samson, he was also saying "Get America for me! America looks good to me." Of course he really wanted to go to America but for someone who wants to develop a career in football, America will not be the best of places for that and a parent must know this and guide a child appropriately instead of just granting a child's request.

These are just two examples of things our children always demand. The demands are not that bad. It shows that our children have taste for good things or have big dreams and. are looking forward to doing great things and we must encourage them to do so. When we have desire or dreams for big things, it propels us to work hard to achieve them. However, we must guide them to do that responsibly and prayerfully. The Akan people of Ghana have a proverb that literally says "The child that will grow up to buy a car, walks about asking for the prices of car tyres." It is good for children to dream for big things because it will develop and kindle their appetite to strive to achieve them and when they are guided well they will grow up to work hard towards achieving them. The prodigal son asked for his share of his father's estate. I am sure he had big dreams for it but the timing was wrong because he had not yet acquired the skills to manage that much wealth. However, he at least showed evidence that he has dreams for his life. He knew what he wants but his timing was wrong. His request presented to his father an opportunity to interrogate his ability to manage his inheritance and probably provide him with training to mitigate the skills gap on management of wealth. The father made a mistake and granted his request just like that and nearly lost his son.

01/03/2024

WE ARE INFLUENCED BY WHAT WE ARE EXPOSED TO by Eric Ellington agyedenah

Many years ago I read that each of us is an average of the books we read (let me add: or don't read) and the people we interact with (or don't interact with). It didn't make sense to me then but as I grew, it all began to make sense to me. The Bible said in Proverbs 13:20a that "Walk with the wise and become wise;......." It means whoever we associate with in life or whatever we spend our time on, eventually influences us and can determine who we become, negative or positive. This includes our parents, teachers, mentors, bosses and books we read or don't read.

On Saturday 24th February 2024, I met a young guy on the street. While walking, I observed someone walking towards me and everything showed that he had dropped something and was seriously searching for it. Then a few meters in front of me, he bent down and picked up something. I could noticed a lot of excitement in him because he had found whatever it was he was searching for, even though I did not see what it was.

I doubled my steps and walked up to him and engaged him in a conversation. I tried to find out what it was that he picked up from the ground. He showed me a small piece of cigarette. The cigarette was almost finished but he held on to it. That was what drew my curiosity to find out more about him and he was very pleasant and opened to talk to me.

I asked him how useful that almost finished cigarette was to him and he told me he would need the to***co in it to mix it with some other substance to smoke. He went ahead to tell me that he has some work to do and he is depending on that substance and the to***co from the cigarette for energy for the work. He said the combination will boost his energy to accomplish more work without getting tired. That sounded like some scientific research conclusion.

That even aroused my curiosity the more to dig deeper concerning him. I asked him whether he was willing to tell me what that substance he referred is and he laughed, waited a minute (I believe he was contemplating whether to tell me or not) then mentioned the substance. I went further to ask him where can I get some to buy if I needed some of the substance. For that he refused to give specific answer. He only told me there are some people around the area I met him who sells some. He even assured me that anytime I want some, I should call him and he will get it for me.

I now began to ask him about how he got himself into smoking in the first place. He told me when he was a young child, his father had a tenant who used to process and sell to***co. According to him, the man used to ask him to help him package the to***co. He told me that he used to witness the man wrapped some of it and smoked. He said as he watched the man smoke everyday, he also began to steal some of the to***co and hide somewhere to wrap it like the man does and also smoke. He said that is how he developed the habit of smoking and has since never been able to break that habit even though he has tried several times.

I felt sorry for him because I could relate to his story. I was also a victim of that. Many years ago when I was a young boy too in Primary school, I had my elder brother, his friend and my cousin smoking. I was the smartest and most truth worthy guy around they could use to run errands for them. I was therefore chosen as the errands boy to buy ci******es and wee for them. Sometimes I will even sit with them at their hiding place to finish smoking before we go home. Of course I was also benefiting because any time there was any coins change, that would be mine to buy some candies for myself.

With time, I began to pick the piece they throw away to try on my own too. After some time, they all left home but the ci******es sellers didn't have that information so I continued to go and buy some ci******es and the sellers continued to assume I was buying for some elderly people. However, this time I was buying for myself. As I saw them smoke in a group, I also recruited some of my friends to join me. I was their mentor in smoking. Just like my brother and his friends, I will also hide with my friends to smoke. We will rather go hungry in school and use the money to buy ci******es. We did that for over a year without anyone noticing, not even our parents. Two out three of us stopped smoking along the way but the third guy unfortunately still smokes to date.

Through all this, what I have learned is that we are all influencers of other people negatively or positively, knowingly or unknowingly with our actions and inactions. The to***co seller wanted a helping hand in packaging his to***co but he ended up influencing an innocent boy negatively. He introduced an innocent boy to an addiction he might stay with longer or for the rest of his life. My brother and his friends influenced me. I also influenced my friends. All these examples are negative influences but what the world needs more are the positive influences.

Do you, through your actions or inactions, influence anyone? Is your influence negative or positive? Do you send a young child to buy alcohol, ci******es or anything that might be harmful to him/her maybe not now but in the future? Do you use certain vulgar words in the presence of children? Do you insult others, bad mouth others, name called others or fight others in the presence of children? All these and many others have the potential of influencing those children negatively.

However, just as we can influence children negatively, we can also influence them positively. Children should say they developed the habit of reading because there was a tenant in their house who used to read to us. Children should say they have learnt this good behavior, good manners, honesty, integrity and how to live morally right because there used to be a man or woman in their community who epitomized that and we copied. Children should say they took their education serious or went back to school because they saw a certain Accountant, Doctor, Engineer, Teacher, Nurse etc in their community and the way he/she carry him/herself about, they wanted to go to school to be like him/her.

Let us make up our minds, put in more effort and strive hard to influence the children under our care, in our schools, our communities, Churches, Mosques etc positively. By so doing we will be able to prepare our children for a better future and they will go into the world and make it a safer and a better place than it is now.

21/12/2023

In "The Light We Carry" Michelle Obama wrote that "In Becoming, I wrote about how casually my high school guidance counselor seemed to brush aside my aspirations within ten minutes of meeting me, suggesting that I shouldn't bother applying to Princeton, since, as she saw it, I was not" Princeton material."

She ended up attending the same University that the teacher said she was not good material enough for. Don't let anybody truncate your dream and aspirations. Sometimes some people advice you based on their own limitations, disbelief, narrowness, inferior complex, biases, fears and insecurities.

You remember when David decided to fight Goliath in 1 Samuel 17:24-58? Read it slowly and purposefully and pick all the lessons from it before you enter 2024. Can you imagine if David or Michelle Obama had decided to take the counsel of these advisors? You can listen to advice but follow your instincts, aspirations and your dream. It is your dream and aspirations and not theirs.

Maybe in 2023 you allowed people to talk you out your potential, aspirations and dream. Thank God 2023 is coming to an end sooner than later. By God's grace 2024 is coming to present us with an opportunity to start afresh. One of your objectives for 2024 should be to be in charge of your own life's aspirations and dreams. You will be opened to advice but you will listen and obey your own instincts. Keep your aspirations and dreams alive.

01/12/2023

We are all here on this earth to do our best. We have individual capacities and capabilities, so do the levels of our best and the results resulting from doing our best. Based on my capacity and capability, my best will yield me a certain result. Another person's best, based on his/her capacity and capability, will also yield him/her a certain result which may not be the same as mine result (could be more or less).

The fact that my results are nowhere near the other person's results does not mean that I have not done my best or that I am not an achiever. The opposite is true also. So far as each of us know that we have put in our best as much as we can, we should be happy with our results (great or small). My results does not have to match up to someone's results before I can be happy or feel that I am an achiever and so do everyone too.

I will set challenging targets for myself and put in my best to achieve them. However, when I put in my best and is still unable to achieve my targets, I will still rejoice in the fact that I have put in my best. I stretched myself to my limit even beyond my comfort zone. In the parable of the talent, the master was not much concerned with the quantum of the results achieved. He was interested in whether each of his servants has put in their best, including their minimum best. The minimum he was expecting from each of them was to put his money in the bank.

Just like every other terminal examination, my children have started their end of term examination. We have agreed on certain targets and we will hold our second edition of family academic excellence award to present awards to winners in each subject. Our targets are not for them to be first in their class but to attain grade A marks (minimum 80% in each subject). One needs to attain minimum of 80% to qualify to enter for an award n a subject. The first edition was fun, with Eliana grabbing most of the awards.

For me being first in class is not a target enough. It is possible to perform poorly and still be first in class. Assuming in the class, everybody gets 30% in each subject, if you get 32% in each subject you will be first yet you will still get grade F (Failed). This is the reason why being first in class is not a target for me for my children. So far as they get 80% and above, position in class does not matter much to me.

Each day after their examination we will have a check in call so that we can review how the examination went. For some of the subjects, they will say they were easy but for others, they will say they were difficult. For those that they will say were difficult, I will ask them whether they put in their best. If they say yes, I will tell them not to worry about what the results will be. So far as they did their best and put in their best, there is nothing more they can do.

I like people who do big things. I always wish I can do big things too. I try to build my capacity and capability to do the big things other people do. However, I am not there yet or I may never get their level. But that does not mean I am a failure. As far as I know within me that whatever I am doing, I am putting in my best and stretching my limits beyond my comfort zone, I will not let anything deceive me that I am not matching up. I do not need to match up. I will do my best, put in my best, stretch my limit and go beyond my comfort zone. After that, any results that come, I will rejoice and celebrate. The Akans has a proverb that literally says "Man came to do some and not to do all".

26/11/2023

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE PHILOSOPHY?

It is important to have a life philosophy. It helps to face life with positive mindset and without much stress. One of my mother’s life philosophies is that "Time always has answers to everything. And it is always good to be patient." With this my mother always face her life challenges knowing that it is only a matter of time and everything will be settled. All she needs to go through every storm is patience to wait longer and stay calm and allow time for things to work out.

When I was young, single, not matured and with no wife and children as dependants, I did so many things that I would not do today. One of them was when I was working for one project as Project Accountant. The project had a Regional Director who had the powers to renew or terminate our contracts on yearly basis. The Director became so powerful and used that power to terrorize those of us who were on renewal contract on the project. All the contract staff was afraid of him since we were basically at his mercy for our jobs. We named him after one former powerful West African dictator. At staff meetings, whatever he says was final. You object or debate him at the perils of your job.

I could not bear this. I thought I needed to reverse this. I made myself a freedom fighter. At one point, we needed to do our appraisals so that deserving staff will get merit increase. All the staff completed the appraisal in January and the Director was supposed to review and sign off for implementation. He didn't do it until August. He then came to the meeting to announce that the merit increase will take effect on August. I got so angry and I responded and told him that staff completed their appraisal in January but he failed to complete his portion on time so staff should not suffer because he failed to do his part on time.

We had white expatriates at the meeting and they were the management team of the project and they all supported my argument. Maybe my approach and timing have not been right but I felt swollen headed that I have defeated the dictator. I thought I was a history maker. Not knowing this dictator of a man was looking for a way to deal with me. When he found nothing to use to deal with me, he decided to reduce my salary.

Early morning the next day, he called me to his upstairs office overlooking the main gate of the office and told me that I have only been on the project for a short period and he thinks my salary is too much so he is going to reduce it. I knew this was coming from the fall out at that meeting. I told him he should not just look at how long I have been with the project but he should consider my experience and qualifications too. I added that if he is only using the period I have been on the project then when he is reducing my salary he should reduce it to be lower than the security man at the gate salary because I came to meet him on the project too. Yet again my approach might have been born out of immaturity but I was using his own logic to argue my case.

Long story short, he wrote me a letter and reduced my salary. Immediately I received the letter, I also forwarded my resignation letter to him. He was shocked. It looked like he would not achieved the result he wanted. He called me to ask me to withdraw my resignation letter but I refused. He never replied to my resignation letter up to today but I left.

My main reason for this write up is to talk about life philosophies. When I submitted my resignation letter, I went to inform the Regional Engineer about it and he asked me whether I was resigning because of the Director and I said yes. He asked me to sit down and when I sat down, he told me he was going to tell me about his life philosophy. He said his life philosophy is that he would not take any decision because of someone. When I asked why he said many things can happen to that person. He said the person can resign, be transferred, get fired or even die so why should he leave his job or whatever he is doing because of a human being that any of these can happen to him or her. This Engineer actually stayed with the agency and suffered many ill treatments but he ended up becoming the CEO of the Agency.

It is important that we all develop our own life philosophies because they will help us to face our challenges with positive mindset and with less stress.

23/11/2023

When I was a child, I was told so many things that were taboos. My mother told us all these llisted below and many others were taboos:

1. Eating and talking at the same time

2. Bathing and singing at the same time

3. Sweeping after 6pm

We obeyed them without questioning. We obeyed them without having someone to force us or remind us to or threaten us with punishment for us to obey them. We just obeyed them. Immediately she says this or that is a taboos we will obey without questioning and we didn't need anyone to supervise us to obey them.

We grew up knowing that these were really not necessarily taboos but:

1. Eating and talking at the same time can lead us to be choked.

2. Bathing and talking at the same time can let soapy water enter into our mouth and we may probably swallow it. Swallowing soapy water can be health hazard.

3. Those days there was no electricity so the whole house becomes dark from 6pm so if you sweep, it is possible you might sweep away a valuable thing and may not realize it.

They are not necessarily taboos after all but were classified so in order to put fear in us to obey them. Taboos have consequences if you go against them and all these had their associated consequences.

We are all controlled by pain and pleasure. When the pain from an action is more than the pleasure from it, we will desist from engaging in it. However if the pleasure from the action is more than the pain from it, we will engage in it. All our decisions and actions as living beings are based on these two.

From my experience, we need to classify corruption as a taboo if we really want to fight it, and we will conquer it. We still respect and obey our taboos and when we add corruption as a taboo with some fearful consequences for disobeying it, we will conquer corruption one time. Let us try it and see.

02/11/2023

The other day I narrated how I got myself into my primary school football team and I concluded by saying that almost everything in life can be learned. I also promised to tell you the story about my encounter with Mathematics in secondary school to buttress this point that almost everything in life can be learned.

I cannot say Mathematics was my best subject or among my best subjects. I could count about four to five of my best subjects and you will likely not find Mathematics in. I fell to my all time low in mathematics in secondary school Form 3. I began falling in my mathematics score in Form 1 and 2 because we had some boring teachers for mathematics in these classes. However I managed to sliding by.

In Form 3 first term, I continued as the Class Prefect and among my duties was going to the staff common room where all the teachers were seated or were supposed to be seated to call them when it is their turn to teach. I was always reluctant when it is time for mathematics. The Mathematics teacher was a new teacher and he does not even wait for me to call him. He has his timetable and he goes by it.

He wanted to assess our standard of mathematics during his first few weeks so he can decide the method to adopt to teach us. He organized internal examination after a week of teaching and I got 25% out of 100%. I was not surprised and I was not bothered too. I had concluded that I was not good in mathematics and my score just confirmed it.

At the end of the term when our terminal reports were ready, every teacher at the staff common room were talking about me and how brilliant I was. The Mathematics teacher was surprised and was wondering if it was the same Eric Ellington Atampugre (that was my surname then) that all the other teachers were talking about. He checked and I was the one but my mathematics score was contrary to what all the other teachers were talking about.

He decided to do something about it. He was living on the school campus so he invited me to his house and tried to understand my issue with mathematics. A long story short, he made me to understand that my only problem in mathematics is that I have not made a conscious effort to learn it. He said he is challenging me that if I make a conscious effort to learn mathematics, I will be one of the best students in mathematics.

I took up the challenge and put in more hours in mathematics. Our final mock examination before our West Africa Examination Council (WAEC) O-Level examination, I was the best student of all the combined business and arts class and the science class. I also made grade 2 in my final WAEC O-Level examination. I achieved it because I made a conscious effort to learn mathematics and I became good in it. I am not talented but anything I put conscious effort in to learn, I have always come out good in it. I think same applies to all others too.

19/10/2023

Life is difficult. For that fact, no one disputes. The young and the old, the rich and the poor, the powerful and the powerless, the Victor and the victim all know this fact.

We have all gone through or are going through or waiting to go through difficult times. And as far as we continue to be alive, it is very likely, if not sure, that we will go through some more difficulties at one point or another. The magnitudes of our individual difficult times may differ, but they are still difficult times.

The difficulty with going through difficult times, is our inabilities to see what it will produce out of us in the end. As a result of that, we quit very quick. The good news is that every difficult time we go through, refines us into better versions of ourselves.

It is difficult to go through difficult times but if we trust the process and go through the process with determination and endurance, we will emerge with better versions of ourselves. Trust the process. Follow through the process. Learn from the process. Emerge a better version.

17/10/2023

A long time ago I read an interesting story that changed my life. It was a short story but it had such a great impact on my life.

This is how the story went:

The story said a king of a community once called all the wise people in the community and asked them to put all the wisdom in the world together in a book for him.

The wise people zoomed into work and produced a 500 page document for the king. The king appreciated it but asked them to go back and reduce it to 100 pages for him.

The wise people went back and reworked on the document. They were able to reduce the document to 100 pages though with a lot of hard work. They returned it to the king and the king thanked them but once again asked them to go and reduce it to 10 pages for him.

They obliged and went back to work. After days of hard work, they got all the wisdom of the world into a 10 page document. They returned it to the king. The king read it and was so very happy yet he made another request. This time, he asked the wise people to now reduce the world wisdom into one page for him.

Yet again the wise people went back to work on the document. With determination, dedication and hard work, they reduced the document to one page. They returned it the king. The king was happy with the document but made a final request. He asked them to now reduce the one page document into a single sentence for him.

The wise people happily once again accepted the challenge and took the document back to work on it. After many days of hard work, they reduced all the world's wisdom into one single sentence and returned it the king.

When the king saw it, his heart was filled with joy. Do you want to know what that single sentence is? A single sentence that captured all the wisdom of the world. The wise people concluded that the wisdom of the whole world is embodied in this single sentence that says:

THERE IS NO FREE LUNCH

This means everything in this world has a price tag. Greatness has a price tag. Success has a price tag. Achievements and great accomplishments all have a price tag. Everything and anything you can think of has a price tag. Until you pay the price you can't have it.

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