06/07/2026
Hearing Dad scream your name that morning is a sound that will never leave me, my soul left my body the moment i heard it, the moment I ran in became a blur for a long long time but 10 years of therapy will bring bits back to you, bring those early feelings back as if it happened a second ago, over and over again, every single second of every single day.
I have what I call “my tv” it’s a video in my mind, asleep or awake it stays there and has done for 10 whole years, for 120 Months, for 520 Weeks, for 3650 Days that morning plays over and over and over again, it never stops playing, it has been on a loop ever since.
Many run from their nightmares but not me, I run towards them because it’s all I have left. I run towards them, towards the memory of seeing you lie there but you didn’t have a smile for me, you always had a smile for me, for everyone but that day you just looked asleep. I remember brushing your hair from your face so I could tell Dad he got it wrong, you were just asleep.. how wrong I was.
I have been told that the guilt I carry is wrong, that I have nothing to feel guilty about but I do, of course I do, my daughter who I claim to be “so close with”. I should have known how she was feeling, as a mother I should have known.
If it were your child, would you have known before it happened? Would you have been quick enough?
Today is double digits,10 whole years since I saw your beautiful face.
Heard your beautiful laugh.
Held you in my arms.
Listened to you giggling with Adam about something random.
Watched on as you had tea parties with Molli instead of hanging with your friends because you were the most amazing big sister to her and because of your love and guidance with her, it has made her be just as incredible to Madison as you was to her.
Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind.
Not a day goes by where I do not shed a tear.
Not a day goes by where i do not smile at the thought of you having a giggle and being silly.
Not a day goes by where I wish I could hold you again just one last time, to let you know just how much you mean to me.
I haven’t and I will never recover from this.
I haven’t and I will never move on.
I find different ways of coping with it, sometimes tears, sometimes anger, sometimes silence, sometimes aggression, sometimes I scream, sometimes I breakdown on bended knees begging for you to come back but I know, I know deep down you aren’t coming back.
I don’t know if I believe in god but I have to because I have to believe we WILL be reunited once again. So please wait for me because one day I hope and I pray and I have prayed on bended knees every damn day that you will be in my arms once again.
I love you with every fibre of my being and my love for you only gets stronger with every passing second.
To my beautiful first born I love you forever and a day ♥️
♥️ Our Princess Jessica ♥️
Always in Our Thoughts ~ Forever in Our Hearts
08.04.02 - 06.07.16