17/09/2021
*"I remember stopping on the ward round. My consultant and I looked at each other, then at him. I remember us agreeing: 'He’s probably not going to make it.'
He’d been worsening for days. He was middle-aged, overweight, had diabetes and hypertension. His family told us he was religious, and we’d fulfilled their requests to personalise his space as much as possible, or to play music he liked, or pass on messages.
But then things started improving after 3 weeks intubated, and it was remarkable. We had gotten to know a shadow of him, this version I only knew from his family. When you’re stuck lying prone for a month, fluid builds up and deforms your face, perhaps unrecognisably. But once he was sat up, everything changes. Suddenly, with the tube out, he spoke to us for the first time. He transitioned from helplessness to being there, present and connected with us. You finally feel hope, and it’s then that I gave myself permission to really get to know him.
There’s this moment, where each team member comes round and introduces themselves and waves. We’ve cared for this person for weeks, intensely. This happens a lot on ICU. You’re saying: “Oh hi!” and grinning behind the mask, so delighted to finally talk to them. And they have no idea who you are.
When you’re in the middle of it you don’t have time to process it. I wonder what it’ll be like in the years ahead, when we’ve got all of this behind us but still need to live with what we’ve experienced. There’s a lot of healing that still needs to happen, for us as staff, and support to help that happen. Even long after our last Covid patient has been discharged.
Sometimes, after discharge, our patients send in pictures of themselves: at home, in their garden, smiling, walking stick in hand. It gives you hope that we can heal too."
Healing from what you've experienced and what you continue to go through may take time, but we're here to support you whenever you need us at ourfrontline.org. Thank you to Junior Doctor, Joel for sharing your story.
*Story reposted from Humans of covid-19