07/05/2026
Losing someone to su***de brings its own kind of grief. And those “firsts” can feel especially hard.
Chris shares below what it’s been like navigating 'those’ days' after losing his wife Sarah to su***de almost 10 years ago.
If you’re facing a difficult anniversary or significant day and need someone to talk to, we’re here. Reach out, whatever the day, whatever the year 💜
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I don’t know why I thought grief might respect the ordinary rhythm of the year, that it would show up when I expected it, stay within the boundaries I’d mentally set for it, and leave me alone on a Tuesday when I had things to do. But as many of us know, it doesn’t work that way. And the dates, above all, have a particular power.
If you’re approaching one of those dates, or still carrying the ones that have already passed, I wanted to share what I’ve learned, because knowing what to expect, even a little, can make it feel less like the ground is falling away beneath you.
💜The lead up is often the hardest part
Something I wasn’t expecting is that the anticipation of a difficult day can often be harder than the day itself. In the weeks before the first anniversary of my wife's passing, I was barely sleeping. I’d find myself running through it all in my head, imagining how it would feel, dreading it, trying to prepare for something I had no framework for. By the time the day actually arrived, I was already exhausted from the waiting.
I’ve spoken to many others who have felt the same, that the ‘dread’ that builds is somehow even worse than the actual day itself. If that’s happening to you, please know that it’s a completely normal response to an incredibly hard thing.
And sometimes, in a funny way, the day itself, when it comes, is survivable in a way the lead-up didn’t feel it could be.
💜There is no ‘right’ way to mark the day
One of the most freeing things I came to understand is that nobody gets to tell you how to spend these dates. I don’t have to stick to traditions or expectations if I don’t want to, because this is MY grief!
Some people want company around them, whereas others want quiet. Some find it meaningful to do something specific, like visiting a place that was special to them, or looking through old photographs and let themselves feel it fully. My sister in law for example finds that keeping the day as ordinary as possible is the her way through, and that’s not to avoid it, but to make it work for her.
It can help, though, to think ahead. Not to plan it perfectly (because we all know grief doesn’t do perfect!) but to have a loose sense of what might feel right for you. And more importantly, to have a plan B. If what you thought you wanted turns out to feel too much on the day, give yourself full permission to change it.
💜The first year, or maybe the second?
I want to say something that I don’t think can be said enough: grief doesn’t have an expiry date. And anniversaries and significant days can carry their weight not just in the first year, but in the second, the fifth, the tenth.
There were years I genuinely thought I’d turned a corner, and then a birthday would come around and I’d find myself right back in the thick of it, bewildered by the intensity of it after so long. I used to think that meant I was going backwards and that weirdly I’d ‘failed’ at grieving, but I understand now that I wasn’t going backwards at all. I was just carrying my loss with me, the way you carry someone you’ve loved. And sometimes, on certain days, that weight makes itself known again. Ultimately that is just love, doing what love does best.
I won’t promise the dates stop being hard. I’m not sure they ever stop being hard entirely. But I can tell you, from the other side of many of them now, that they become something you know how to carry. And slowly, over time, you start to find your own ways of holding these days
You might even find, in among the grief, small moments of something that feels like gratitude, for having loved them. For the memories that are yours to keep. For the people around you who are still here, trying to help you carry it.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to do it. And you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re facing a difficult anniversary or significant date and need someone to talk to, we’re here. Reach out — whatever the day, whatever the year 💜
