29/07/2026
Autism and the usual ‘but they give eye contact…’ comment.
I was thinking while out with Small Brown Dog this morning…
Perhaps we’ve been asking the wrong question.
One of the biggest misconceptions I still hear is:
‘They make eye contact, so they can’t be autistic.’
Or the opposite:
‘They don’t make eye contact, so they probably are.’
Neither statement tells you whether someone is autistic.
Eye contact is not a diagnostic test.
Instead of asking, ‘Can they look at me?’ perhaps we should be asking:
‘What does looking at me *feel* like?’
What does eye contact actually feel like for that person?
Because when we judge someone by their ability to make eye contact, we’re making the judgement entirely about our expectations rather than their experience. We decide what eye contact should look like without ever asking the person what it costs them.
And that cost can be significant.
During Number 3’s autism assessment, his assessor -who is autistic herself- asked him about eye contact. Until that moment, I’d never realised he found it difficult.
His answer was simple:
‘I don’t like it. I look at people’s noses.’
He explained that he spent so much mental energy deciding where to look so he didn’t have to make direct eye contact that he had less capacity left to concentrate on what the other person was actually saying.
It made complete sense.
Some autistic people learn to make eye contact because they’ve been taught it’s the socially acceptable thing to do. They may become incredibly skilled at it, but maintaining that eye contact comes at a cognitive cost.
Others listen best while looking away, fidgeting, spinning, drawing, walking or moving. A younger Number 3 could be cartwheeling across the room while listening and still tell you almost everything that had been said.
The behaviour you see is only part of the story.
So the next time someone says, ‘They can’t be autistic because they make eye contact,’ remember that the question isn’t whether they can make eye contact.
It’s whether they want to, how it feels, and what it costs them to do it.
Emma
The Autistic SENCo
♾️
Photo: My boys striking a pose at Whipsnade
