01/09/2017
It’s been a few years since I wrote my recovery experiences for others to read. In fact it has been too long and anytime I have written something it has always helped me in my recovery and even better if this helps someone else.
It began about March 2016 when there was four or five big things in my life and I was finding it hard to handle them; I was not handling them the Gamblers Anonymous way and because of this I was going through a real bad seven months in recovery.
I came to G.A. for the first time in September 1989. I had been sacked by my employer and was facing a fraud charge. I hung about in G.A. for about two and a half years but I did not want to be there. I could not accept I am a compulsive gambler. I could not accept that I suffer from an illness and I could not accept that I was not a nice person. I was taken to a meeting by some cracking members and all they wanted to do was help me and be there for me, but I would not let them get too close. That would mean I would have to work on myself and be totally honest.
My first time in the door I had three small bets, I could not stay stopped. Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness were not in my head never mind my life. I made my excuses and left the fellowship to go back gambling. It was more frantic, more chaotic and I caused more carnage then before. I didn’t think that it could be worse, but it was! I gambled for seven and a half years until mentally I couldn’t take anymore. The buzz had all gone. Winning meant nothing. It was just another day, more betting, more carnage, more self-destruction with my stomach in a knot and my head constantly sore.
I told my partner Isobel that I was going back to G.A. I knew that the Fellowship had worked for other people but I had the stigma that I would have to go there for the rest of my life. Isobel asked, “So you don’t think you can manage to be a compulsive gambler then?”
It never ceases to amaze me that this illness of compulsive gambling kids me on that I don’t have it and it’s alright to go ahead and gamble. I will be fine; I will be able to control it this time - no chance! I was not a bad gambler; I just could not get out the bookies, dog track, casino or card school with my winnings. That is why I am a compulsive gambler.
In May 1998 I came back to the fellowship and went to the Paisley meeting. I can remember the feelings I had before, during and after the meeting.
I did not walk through the door, I slid under it but I wanted to give G.A. another go. I could not believe that I admitted to myself that gambling had me beat, never mind to a room full of strangers. I spoke and cried for about thirty minutes. I had just turned twenty-eight years old and I was in about twenty-seven thousand pounds of debt due to my gambling. I also gambled Isobel’s four thousand pounds of savings. I owed money to family, friends and acquaintances-but I couldn’t tell you how much.
How do I sum up my first six years in recovery not gambling? It was bad and very sore not just for me but Isobel, my sponsor Karen and all the members who tried to help me. I was doing it my way and going for a G.A. paddle-not a swim.
After about six years of doing that it was time to surrender, accept I will be a compulsive gambler for the rest of my life and accept I had to change my attitude towards my wife, money, other people, life and most of all the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous. This was to be a very difficult challenge-to change my way of thinking around after so many years of gambling.
I had to sum up the courage to be brutally honest with myself in recovery. I had been hanging on by my fingernails and I came very close to gambling a few times during the first six years. The members of the Paisley group saved me. The next three shaped the way my recovery was going to be for many days. I started to speak openly and honestly at meetings and started to bare my soul. I tried to get rid of the gambling demons I’d carried around for so many years. I had to work really hard at a lot of things. I had to treat Isobel with respect (we were married by this time) I had to work on being accountable for my time; for a long time I found this really difficult. I had to learn to live my life with just pocket money and not a pocket full of money (that was sore). I had to learn to stop telling lies and most of all I had to be honest with myself whilst trying to change my attitude towards life. I really had to look at the G.A. program or would have no chance in succeeding in working on my character defects to recover to the best of my ability. I was thirty-four years old by which time and I had probably been addicted to gambling since I was twelve or thirteen.
I started to read G.A. literature and tried to be open-minded while doing so. It was talking about me and I could see where I was going wrong, the penny had dropped. I had to find the courage, strength and willingness with diligent effort to embark on my real road of recovery.
I had many long conversations with experienced members about being off my head and was now willing to turn my life around-What a great feeling.
For the next eleven and a half years I enjoyed my life gambling free. I had proved to myself that I didn’t need to gamble to enjoy myself so why would I want to? During this time I began to feel better and better and I making sure that, a day at a time, that first bet would not be in my life. I did this by keeping my awareness sky high, working on my marriage, being accountable for my time and talking honestly at meetings about how I really felt about my recovery. I tried hard to pass on what I had been through to try to help other member to recover. Over the days and months my respect for the fellowship really grew; the further away I was from my last bet the better I felt.
I went to Conventions in Dundee, Renfrew and Moodiesburn; I wrote articles for the GA Magazine and went to Carlisle with other members to help support the meeting as it had low membership I picked up other members and drove them to meetings. My resistance to the first bet was strong and I was trying to be productive each day. I was told by many experienced members that my life would get better if I did the right things, so I accepted that they were right and of course they were. A Paisley member told me “John, sometimes you have to unravel the spaghetti to taste the Bolognese”
Over the years in recovery I have heard words of wisdom I still use to this day to keep me away from the first bet. Do not treat your wife like a bit of dirt on your shoe. I was told to keep looking forward in recovery because if you go back the way is dangerous (and believe me I know)
It has taken me a long time to get rid of self to the best of my ability and it has been a long hard road at times. Isobel told me she was happy and her family told me that I had changed. It was great to talk to people without being false. By this time I had been off a bet for seventeen years and was feeling really content in my life; then I hit what I like to call the ‘Why me Syndrome?’
So to the ‘I’m Still Learning in Recovery’ part of my life; four major things were happening to me all at once and I had to tackle each problem one at a time. I was living in my head and trying to deal with everything at the one time. Isobel’s health wasn’t good, I had just changed jobs, we still had a mortgage to pay due to my gambling and then there was my mother’s attitude to my life.
My mother has never been interested in me going to G.A. It is a disgrace to her that I turned out to be a compulsive gambler and not a chartered accountant, wearing pinstripe suits and driving a Ford Cortina. I will never forget the day she told me that. She just sweeps it under the carpet with all her other skeletons.
Isobel’s health is a worry, but, her heart condition is manageable. Isobel is the strongest woman I have ever met and I’m sure we have a lot of cracking days ahead of us. My job, well that’s my fault again. I made the wrong choice to change jobs in March 2016 and it has not worked out as well as I thought it would! The mortgage will be paid off in due course. I will be lifting part of my pension to give us some financial breathing space.
These four major things were really hard to work through but one day at a time I have managed to get there. I went to a lot more meetings; I went back to the members who have been there for me from the start and once again they helped me to see things clearly enough to work on each problem individually and to keep going. It was important for me to speak openly and honestly at each meeting I went to. I went to a counsellor to deal with my mother’s attitude and that gave me the courage to speak to her politely and honestly. I have pulled back from her a bit and I feel so much better for it. I go to work and try to have a good shift, respect my workmates and where possible keep a lid on it and look for something more pleasing. My relationship with my best friend Isobel has been strong for a long time and I will work hard to sustain it. I am a very fortunate man to have Isobel as my wife!
Well I’m nearly done-Just want to say that I’m out the other side of that sore time in my recovery. I have been really good again since last December and the smile has been back on my face for a while now. I had to dig in deep and had to open up to really good, close friends in the Fellowship. I had to talk openly and at length at every meeting and I had to be patient that I would get my recovery back on track.
I’m glad to say that the gratitude, humility and compromise have returned in my thinking and in my recovery. I never want to live in my head like that again-it was too sore to handle.
I have really learned that this is an emotional illness. I would like say, in finishing, that I never wanted to gamble while going through any part of what I have shared as I know it is not the answer. Thanks to every single member who listened to me and helped me come out the other side. (Especially the Paisley member who gave me great advice and started the process)
John - GA Member
