30/09/2026
An excellent post that needed to be shared.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1514376007385827&set=a.374468258043280&type=3&mibextid=wwXIfr
This is Elisha. Sheโs living with a rare form of lymph cancer. Here are some tips from Elisha about how to talk to someone who is living with a terminal illness๐
1. One of the most important things to remember when someone tells you they have a terminal illness is that they are still the same person.
If you used to talk about Netflix, books, football, gossip, work, holidays, relationships or complete nonsense together, you can still talk about those things. In fact, most people who are ill will probably appreciate it.
2. Don't walk away. One of the worst things you can do is disappear. My dad died from pancreatic cancer and had an old friend who simply disappeared from his life when he was diagnosed. It turned out that he didn't know what to say. Instead of finding a way through that discomfort, he walked away. My dad was deeply upset by it.
You don't need to find the perfect words or have to know how to fix anything. Just don't disappear. You can say: โI don't really know what to say, but I'm here.โ Sometimes that is enough.
3. Unless you are the person's doctor, you probably shouldn't be giving them medical advice. I can find it really annoying when people say... โHave you tried that?โ or โWhy haven't your doctors done this?โ
Doctors and specialists have spent years training and have treated many patients. Their job is incredibly complicated. Please donโt offer medical advice that you know nothing about because you read something on Facebook!
4. Don't compare their illness. One of the most common things people say is...
โI know someone who had cancer and they survived.โ or โMy friend's sister had something similar and she's fine.โ
I understand why people say these things; they're trying to be optimistic. But they can put an enormous amount of pressure on the person who is ill. Everyone is different. One person might breeze through a treatment while another person becomes extremely ill from exactly the same thing.
5. Don't put pressure on them to survive. This is a difficult one. Sometimes people say... โYou're going to beat this.โ or โYou're definitely going to be the one who survives.โ
I understand the intention but think about what you are accidentally asking the person to carry. What if they don't? If you've told someone repeatedly that they are definitely going to survive, does that make them feel as though they have failed if they know they arenโt going to?
There is a huge difference between hope and certainty. Hope can be comforting. Certainty can become pressure.
6. Of course you're going to be upset when someone you love becomes seriously ill. You're allowed to cry, be frightened and grieve. But try not to make the person who is ill responsible for managing your emotions.
Leave the room. go outside, have a massive cry, pull yourself together and then go back in. You can have your feelings. Just try to find somewhere appropriate to put
them.
7. Boundaries are not rejection. When someone sets a boundary, respect it. Don't assume you know better. Don't decide that you'll do something anyway because you think it's good for them. Their illness has already taken away a huge amount of control, don't take away more. If they say: โI don't want visitors today.โ or โI don't want to talk about cancer.โ, respect it.
If you genuinely want to help but aren't sure how you could say: โI really want to do something useful. Is there anything you'd like me to take care of?โ Then let them answer, let them tell you what they want.
8. Serious illness doesn't mean that every conversation must be serious. The person hasn't stopped being themselves. They can still laugh, still make jokes, still gossip, still watch rubbish television, still laugh at inappropriate things and they can still have fun.
Some of my favourite hospital visits have been when funny friends came to see me and made me laugh. Hospital is hard and being ill is hard. So, when someone can make you laugh while you're stuck in a hospital bed, it can completely change your day.
9. Don't be afraid to talk about death. Death is difficult. For many people, it is one of the most uncomfortable subjects imaginable. But when someone is facing a potentially terminal illness, death may already be sitting in the room with them. They may want to talk about it or they may not. Let them decide.
Some people need to talk about the possibility of dying because they are trying to understand and accept their reality. If they bring up death, don't automatically shut the conversation down. Don't immediately say: โYou're not going to die.โ or โStop being negative.โ
You don't actually know that and shutting the conversation down can make the person feel even more alone. If they want to talk about death, you might discover that talking honestly about something frightening brings you closer together.
