10/09/2026
💔 WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?
The painful stories of women being killed by their husbands or intimate partners in Cameroon should not just shock us for a few days and then disappear from our conversations.
We need to stop asking only, “What happened?” and start asking, “Why does this keep happening, and what can we do differently?”
Perhaps the problem begins much earlier than the marriage itself.
👨👩👧 DOES IT BEGIN IN THE HOME?
Are we raising children or simply providing for them?
Many parents are working hard to give their children a better life, but in the process, some have little time left to actually raise them. Phones, social media, television, work and the pressures of modern life can consume our attention.
A boy does not automatically become a responsible man because he grows older.
He must be taught.
He must learn that a woman is not his property.
He must learn that anger does not give him the right to hurt someone.
He must learn self-control, respect, accountability, empathy and how to resolve conflict without violence.
And girls too must be taught to recognize unhealthy relationships, set boundaries and understand that love should never require them to surrender their dignity or safety.
💍 DOES IT BEGIN WITH THE CHOICES WE MAKE?
Are we choosing life partners based on character—or primarily on beauty, money, status, family background and what a relationship looks like on social media?
Physical attraction matters. Financial stability matters. But character matters even more.
Before saying “I do,” young people should be asking:
How does this person behave when angry?
How do they treat people who cannot benefit them?
Do they respect boundaries?
Can they apologize?
How do they handle disagreement?
Do they control their temper?
Are they jealous and possessive?
Do they take responsibility for their mistakes?
How do they treat their mother, siblings, friends and strangers?
Because the person you marry is not just the person you see when everything is beautiful. Character is revealed when life becomes difficult.
⛪ AND WHAT ABOUT OUR CHURCHES?
Are we adequately preparing young people for marriage, or are we preparing them mainly for the wedding?
We spend months planning the dress, decorations, food, venue, photographs and ceremony.
But marriage is not a wedding day.
Marriage requires communication.
Marriage requires patience.
Marriage requires forgiveness.
Marriage requires emotional maturity.
Marriage requires financial responsibility.
Marriage requires conflict resolution.
Marriage requires knowing when to seek help.
And importantly, marriage does NOT require a woman to endure abuse.
Tolerance should never mean tolerating violence.
Forgiveness should never mean remaining in danger.
Prayer should never be used to silence a woman who is being abused.
And staying married should never be valued above staying alive.
🚨 WE MUST ALSO TALK ABOUT WARNING SIGNS.
Controlling behaviour.
Extreme jealousy.
Threats.
Constant insults and humiliation.
Isolation from family and friends.
Monitoring phones and movements.
Physical intimidation.
Destruction of property.
Forced s*x.
Repeated physical violence.
These are not simply “marital problems.” Some are signs of abuse that can escalate into something far more dangerous.
And when we see these signs, we must not normalize them.
“That's how men behave.”
“Be patient; he will change.”
“Stay because of the children.”
“Pray harder.”
“Don't bring family into your marriage.”
These statements can sometimes keep victims trapped in dangerous situations.
🌍 SO, WHERE DID WOMEN GO WRONG?
Perhaps the better question is:
Where did WE go wrong?
Where did we go wrong as parents?
Where did we go wrong as educators?
Where did we go wrong as churches?
Where did we go wrong as communities?
Where did we go wrong in the way we teach boys about masculinity and girls about relationships?
And where have we gone wrong by romanticizing relationships without teaching young people what healthy love actually looks like?
Women should certainly be encouraged to make wise choices, but a woman's choice of partner does not make her responsible for the violence that partner chooses to commit.
The responsibility for murder belongs to the person who commits it.
But if we genuinely want to reduce these tragedies, we must work on the roots, not only mourn the branches.
Let us raise boys who know that strength is not violence.
Let us raise girls who know that love is not suffering.
Let parents be present—not only financially, but emotionally.
Let young people look beyond beauty and wealth when choosing partners.
Let churches teach not only how to have beautiful weddings, but how to build healthy marriages.
Let communities stop protecting abusers because of family reputation.
Let victims be believed and supported.
Let those struggling with anger, jealousy or violent behaviour get professional help before someone loses their life.
And let us teach one fundamental truth:
LOVE DOES NOT KILL.
LOVE DOES NOT CONTROL.
LOVE DOES NOT HUMILIATE.
LOVE DOES NOT TERRORIZE.
LOVE DOES NOT MAKE YOU AFRAID FOR YOUR LIFE.
💔 Every woman killed is someone's daughter, sister, mother, wife or friend.
We cannot continue mourning them one by one without asking what we can collectively do to prevent the next death.
This conversation must begin in our homes, continue in our schools and churches, and extend into every community.
Where do you think we are failing—and what practical solutions can we put in place?
