05/13/2026
Civility Between Spouses
What is Civility Between Spouses?
It is the everyday things you do for one another, a deliberate effort to recognize your spouse's needs before they do, the willingness to understand each other's respective strengths and weaknesses, and offset them if possible. It is also a shared sense of responsibility toward others, whether immediate family, friends, or neighbors.
Why This Matters
Relationships are constantly evolving and being challenged. Circumstances change. One spouse is offered a terrific career opportunity in another city or country, or the other spouse must spend an extended time away to care for an aging parent. Family issues can create tension between spouses. The list is endless and reflects the complexity of the human experience.
How can spouses maintain civility in a life of constant change?
1. Show Appreciation for Ordinary Efforts
Workplace studies show that what employees want most is to be recognized and appreciated for their work. The same desire applies between spouses. For example, one spouse is a gardener and spends hours planting beautiful flowers. If the other spouse doesn’t notice the new blooms, they will feel disappointed and unappreciated. Make the effort to notice and comment on that special thing your spouse loves to do, even if it's vacuuming or doing the laundry.
2. Respect Differences in Personality or Opinion
In the 1987 film, Radio Days, Woody Allen takes the audience back to his homelife in 1940s Brooklyn, where an extended family lives together. In one scene, he talks about how his parents loved to argue. The scene shows the father running into the living room and yelling at his wife, “You mean to tell me you think the Pacific Ocean is better than the Atlantic?” She retorts, “No, have it your way, the Atlantic is better than the Pacific.” Allen chimes in, “How many parents argue over oceans?!” In our world of spirited discussions around politics, culture, and religion, don’t forget the importance of listening with intent, and yes, levity. A sense of humor goes a long way to keeping things sane.
3. Focus on the Needs of Others
Couples are at their most effective when they work together to solve problems. This is especially true when it comes to caring for family members, where a sense of joint effort, no matter the relation (father or mother-in-law), you both are focused on bringing comfort and happiness to that person’s life. That extends to your friends, too, especially those who are single. How do you let that individual know they matter and make them feel like family? These humbling circumstances draw a couple closer and help put things into perspective.
Practical Application
At Civility Matters, we define civility, in part, as strength under control.
+It is the strength to thoughtfully show gratitude for your spouse’s efforts.
+It is the strength to listen to your spouse’s political views that differ from yours.
+It is the strength to make the effort to take care of others together.
Keeping civility in the forefront of your thoughts, words, and actions goes a long way to solidifying your relationship. You both just need to make the effort.
Summary
Being a spouse has taught me that civility is found in the everyday choices couples make for one another. It is the effort to notice each other’s needs, appreciate ordinary acts of love and responsibility, and navigate life’s inevitable challenges with patience, humor, empathy, and mutual respect. I believe civility between spouses is ultimately “strength under control” — the willingness to listen, support, and care for one another even during moments of stress, disagreement, or uncertainty.
