01/09/2026
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1JxHhgh1bK/
One of the hardest things you may face as an adoptee is realizing that the people closest to you...your spouse, significant other, children, or other family members, may not understand or support what you are feeling about adoption.
When I came out of the fog in my forties, my husband did not understand. We had some hard times.
Today, he understands so much more. Most of the time, he is incredibly supportive and, in many ways, has become a model spouse in this regard. But even now, there are still difficult moments from time to time especially when I am feeling something I have not expressed yet. Because the truth is, there are some parts of the adoptee experience that are very difficult to fully understand unless you have lived them yourself.
Nobody has understood that part of me like another adoptee. I cannot underscore enough the value of relationships with other adoptees. Those relationships have carried me through many difficult days.
If you are waiting for someone you love to understand something about your adoption experience, I have found that sometimes the most productive thing you can do is give them space. Let them sit with it. Let them ponder. Let understanding develop instead of trying to force it. And while you wait, lean hard into safe adoptee community.
For those of you who have experienced coming out of the fog, I want you to think about something. One day I realized, it took me over 40 years to come out of the fog, and I was expecting my husband to "get it" moments after telling him what I felt. Something that took me forty years, I was expecting from him instantly. This helped me put it into better perspective and be more patient with him in challenging times.
The adoptee community has been a soft place for me to land so many times. And that is one reason I believe we must be intentional about how we treat one another here, even when we disagree. Because someone's life could literally be at stake while we casually type snarky comments. This could be another post altogether, but I decided to include it here anyway...
October is Adoptee Remembrance Month, with Adoptee Remembrance Day observed on October 30. It is a time when we remember the adoptees we have lost to su***de and bring attention to a devastating reality: adoptees are 35 times more likely to die by su***de.
That statistic is just one reason the way we treat each other matters so much. When an adoptee already feels misunderstood in their own family, coming into adoptee community should not mean walking into another fight. Adoptees don't need to be proverbially hit in the face with more misunderstanding and drama. We have enough of that already. We need a place where someone says, “I hear you. I understand why this hurts. You don't have to justify or defend yourself here.
It's why I steward this particular community that I am responsible for so carefully.
We never fully know what another adoptee is carrying.
Your kindness could be more than an encouragement.
You might be a catalyst for someone's very survival.
I want you to know something important...if you are reading this and your family doesn't understand this part of you right now, and you are feeling hopeless...you are not alone.
We are here.
And we are listening.
And if you ever have something you don't want to post on the page, you can private message me. I will respond.
