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Aleisha's Angels

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Aleisha's Angels

Aleisha's Angels is a local Support group in Rockhampton for Pregnancy and Infant Loss

06/06/2026

Today felt like a win.

I went to a friend’s baby shower for her beautiful baby girl, and for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel anxious. I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I didn’t feel like I needed to brace myself.

I simply felt happy.

Happy for them. Excited for them. Grateful to celebrate this little girl who is already so loved.

If you’ve experienced baby loss, you’ll understand that moments like these can be complicated. Joy and grief often sit side by side, and sometimes celebrations can bring a wave of emotions you never expected.

The reason this feels like such a big deal is because of the amount of work that has gone into getting here.

The countless psychology appointments. The tears. The conversations. The panic attacks. The days I’ve wanted to avoid it all. The recent EMDR session that have cracked open wounds I thought I’d buried. The exhausting work of sitting with grief, trauma, guilt, and sadness instead of running from it.

To be honest, lately I’ve felt like I’ve been going backwards. I simple EMDR session has been heavy. It’s brought up memories, emotions, and struggles that have left me feeling exhausted and questioning whether I’m making progress at all.

But maybe today was proof that I am.

Not because the grief is gone.
Not because I miss Aleisha any less.
Not because everything is suddenly okay.

But because I was able to sit in a room celebrating someone else’s baby girl and feel genuine joy without being consumed by anxiety or sadness.

For a long time, pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and newborn photos felt impossible. Today, I was simply present.

Healing isn’t forgetting. It isn’t leaving your child behind. It isn’t loving them less.

Sometimes healing looks like being able to carry your grief and still make room for happiness too.

Today felt like one of those moments.

A quiet reminder that all of this hard work matters. That even when it feels messy and painful and impossibly heavy, something is shifting.

And for the first time in a long time, I left a baby shower with a full heart and a smile on my face.

That feels pretty special. 💕

26/05/2026

EMDR is hard. Not just during the appointment but the aftermath of it too.
It’s like opening a door you’ve spent years trying to keep shut just enough to survive. And suddenly it’s not only the grief of losing Aleisha sitting there it’s every other hurt, fear, failure, guilt and sadness that somehow attached itself to that pain over the years.
The hardest part is knowing logically that I am not a failure, while my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise.
How do you explain that battle to people?
How do you tell your own mind to stop punishing you for something your heart already carries every single day?
And then there’s this fear I didn’t expect to feel……
What if “dealing with this” somehow means losing her completely?
What if processing the trauma softens the memories?
What if one day the sadness doesn’t feel as heavy and then I feel guilty for that too?
What if the pain is all I have left to hold onto?
Because grief can become so intertwined with love that part of you starts believing the sadness is proof they mattered. Proof they existed. Proof you still love them.
The idea of not hurting so deeply almost feels frightening in itself, because I never want Aleisha to fade. I never want her memory to become quieter in my heart.
Lately I’ve felt heavy. Exhausted. Emotional. Like I’m constantly fighting my own thoughts while trying to still be a good mum, good wife, good friend, good teacher and just a functioning human.
I know healing isn’t linear. I know EMDR is supposed to stir things up before things settle. But wow wtf nobody prepares you for the way it cracks open parts of yourself you thought you’d buried. Dig that sh** back down thanks!!
I think that’s the thing about trauma and grief it doesn’t just live in one memory. It weaves itself through your whole nervous system, through the stories you tell yourself, through the way you see your worth.
Trying to remind myself that healing doesn’t mean forgetting her.
It doesn’t mean loving her less.
It doesn’t mean her memory disappears.
Maybe it just means learning how to carry her without destroying myself in the process. 🤍
I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful for the love and support I’ve had lately. Truly.
I know I say it often, but I honestly don’t know where I’d be without the people who keep showing up, checking in, sitting with the hard stuff, and reminding me I’m not alone when my own mind gets loud.
I’d be so lost without that support. 🤍

17/05/2026

Hudson - mummy look at the stars they are so bright, that’s Aleisha’s brightest castle star ever coz she lives in a castle up there hey. I thinks she’s watching us, Send her the pictures of the stars’ 🌟 🥺

14/05/2026

Today was my first official EMDR appointment… and it was heavy.

I unpacked every detail of Aleisha’s story. Every moment. Every memory. Every “what if.” I don’t think I’ve ever truly spoken it all out loud in that much detail before. I was asked to detail every thought along the way and every moment.
And somewhere in the middle of it all, I admitted something I’ve never said out loud before, that a part of me truly believed I deserved to be punished for not protecting my daughter. I deserved the pain, I deserved the blood loss and I deserve the ongoing flashbacks and trauma because somehow I failed her.
Typing that feels huge. Shameful. Raw. But also maybe important.
Trauma does horrible things to the mind. It twists grief into guilt and convinces you that surviving something means you should carry the blame for it too.
Today cracked open parts of me I’ve kept buried for a very long time. I left emotionally exhausted, completely drained, and honestly a little shattered, actually completed shattered, but maybe that’s part of finally healing too.
Aleisha deserves to be loved, remembered, spoken about, and fought for. And I’m slowly learning that maybe I deserve kindness too. 🤍

17/04/2026

A love that holds all of you 🤍

Two boys in my arms, one forever in my heart.
Aleisha, always part of us, always remembered, always loved. 🩷
I truly feel so lucky to be their mum 🥰

14/04/2026

There’s just something about our time on keppel, it just slows everything down in the best way.
Beach walks, collecting shells, the boys playing (and fighting), sandcastles and so much fun.
We spoke about Aleisha, wrote her little letters, and felt her in the quiet moments in the sunsets and in the stillness. She’s always with us I know, but places like this make it feel a little closer somehow.
My heart feels full 💕

13/04/2026

Today we celebrate our beautiful girl, Aleisha💕
Happy birthday angel, although I don’t know happy is the right word but I don’t know what to say.
Another year has passed, and somehow the world has kept turning while we’ve learnt how to carry you within it. The grief doesn’t look the same as it once did, it’s quieter now, softer in some ways but you are still in everything.
I think of who you would be, what you would look like, the sound of your voice, the way your brothers would adore you.
Some days the sadness is loud, and other days it sits gently beside me,and I’ve learnt that both are okay.
I will never stop loving you.
I will never stop wondering.
I will never stop saying your name.
Happy birthday, my beautiful angel girl 🤍
Thank you for sending so many signs you’re here this year. It’s been incredible. 🐢 💫 🐬 🪶

12/04/2026

We’re away for Aleisha’s birthday 🌊 🏝️
Asking for signs and here we are 🩵

10/04/2026

Somehow, Aleisha’s birthday is here again on Tuesday.

I’ve been sitting with a lot of feelings lately, and also noticing the absence of the ones I thought I’d feel more strongly.

I am sad. I think about her every day, what she’d look like, who she’d be, the little things I’ll never get to know. But the sadness isn’t as overwhelming as it once was, and that’s been really hard to come to terms with.

There’s this quiet guilt that creeps in, telling me I should feel more, that maybe something is wrong with me. That maybe I’m not being the mum she deserves. Honestly, I feel like quiet a sh** mum right now

And if I’m honest, I think there’s a part of me that’s scared… scared that if I’m not deeply, painfully sad, it means I’m forgetting her. Or that I’m not doing enough to honour her.
What does all of this mean? It’s so heavy.

Grief is such a strange thing. It changes, it softens, it surprises you, but the love never leaves.
I carry her with me in ways people can’t always see.

Always my girl 🤍

06/04/2026

The smallest moments that can carry the greatest meaning, and he has no idea 💗
He asked me why we have a teddy and not Aleisha “why is she not here, and she’s in heaven?”
Little voices asking the biggest questions.
The kind that catch you off guard and sit heavy in your chest. Moments like this don’t get easier… you just learn how to sit in them.

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