21/09/2026
It's taken me almost 5 years to get to this stage, to finally open the boxes containing Jaysley’s belongings that were returned from her room at Larkhill Camp.
Eight boxes were returned to us, carefully packed up and individually itemised, all full of Jaysley’s things. I can smell her on her clothes, I can see her wearing them. There are Estée Lauder sets I'd bought her over the years, her hair bobbles still with bits of her hair wrapped around them, even all her cleaning products were the same ones I used to buy at home. Things that would probably mean absolutely nothing to anyone else, but to me they are pieces of my Daughter's life. Things she touched, things she wore, things that still carry traces of her.
I'm only on box two. I kept thinking to myself, just keep going. The second box contains everything military. Fleeces, MTPs, berets and goodness knows what else because I don't even know what half of it is called. I just know the box is full to the brim and I'm stood there thinking, what on earth am I supposed to do with all of this? How does a Mum decide what stays, what goes, what gets passed on? I couldn't do any more, so I pressed the pause button and left it overnight.
Em called me this morning, our normal routine every day, and we're chatting away about how it's not going to be long now until we're all together. Our flights are booked and we actually have a countdown. Then I had to have a conversation with her about Jaysley’s belongings, because decisions like this are for the three of us. I asked her, "Em, is there anything in particular you'd like me to do with all the military stuff?" She didn't know either. "I'm not sure Mum, I'm really not sure. Maybe some outfits for Lucy." Lucy is a teddy Em has had for 26 years and already has some of Jaysley’s ashes inside her.
I came off the phone and I broke down. That conversation hurt me so much. No Mum should be having to ask one Daughter what she wants from her younger sister's belongings. No sister should ever have to think about which pieces of her younger sister's life she wants to keep.
There is no right way to do any of this. We're just a Mum, Dad and Daughter trying to make decisions none of us should ever have been left to make.
Opening these boxes has made me realise all over again just how much is left for a family to carry when someone they love is no longer here.
So please, if you ever get to the point where you believe leaving this world is your only option, please don't. I'm begging you. Don't ever believe the people who love you would be better off without you.
I would give absolutely anything to have my Daughter back. To hear her voice, hold her and tell her just how much she is loved.
The people who love you don't want to be left with your belongings, photographs and memories. They want you, that I promise you.
Please don't leave the people who love you.. Please 🥹
