17/10/2026
As I write this post I am reminded fear is a real emotion and one without biases on who it will hit next…
For the last week I have been in hospital with severe internal neck swelling.
Unable to move my neck, Eat or swallow without restriction and my ability to speak was becoming increasingly difficult.
As I write this post I am crying because the reality of what I am enduring is incredibly cruel and difficult to share.
I received news after my last scope that there is really nothing more they can do.
Those words sent me into panic mode, I decided I needed to run and that would somehow help me navigate the news I was told.(I discharged myself from hospital)
I have lost my ability to speak.
I cannot talk
I try to speak only muffled noises escape my mouth.
I am told they do not know if it is temporary or permanent.
Once in the safety of my own bedroom the reality of this news didn’t really sink in.
My mind wouldn’t let it, Because if I did it would be real.
I still cannot talk and the silence inside my own mind is deafening.
I am riddled with fear.
It’s easy to feel cursed and self pity after all I have endured A LOT and it doesn’t seem fair or just that I again am in a position where I am vulnerable.
I’ve decided I am going to allow these feelings to be felt.
The fear, The Anger , The Pain the unbearable feeling of betrayal by my own voice.
Hell I even am feeling hatred again towards my convicted abuser something I have not felt in a very long time.
The hatred towards him could easily consume me but I will not allow myself to wallow in this because this does not service me nor does it help me in this situation.
If anything the bitterness could possibly make this scary situation worse and I would never give my abuser that kind of power.
I am scared, I feel lost and extremely vulnerable and I do not know what my next move is.
My point of sharing this is OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH, And despite everything I have endured everything I have created to help others I too am still prone to having my past horrific journey transport me back to then, Where everything was overwhelming, Everything was scary everything was broken and I couldn’t find my way out of the darkness.
But that to shall pass, I’ve done it once, I can do it again.
Whilst I cannot speak ….l can type and my message is CLEAR.
NON FATAL STRANGULATION CAN IN FACT BE FATAL YEARS AFTER THE FACT AND LIVES CAN FOREVER BE CRUELY IMPACTED!!!
Much Love
Rach 🖤
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