12/10/2026
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Zuma Says He Wants to Go to a Hospital in Singapore Because the Ones in South Africa Are Bad
PIETERMARITZBURG — Former president Jacob Zuma has reportedly informed his doctors that he would prefer to be transferred to a hospital in Singapore, on the grounds that “the ones in South Africa are bad.”
Sources close to the 84-year-old say the request came shortly after he was admitted to a private facility in KwaZulu-Natal, where he is currently under the care of specialist teams. According to one aide who asked not to be named for fear of being asked to explain the request, Zuma looked around the ward, nodded slowly, and declared: “This is fine, but Singapore is better. I saw it on the television.”
When pressed on what exactly was wrong with South African hospitals, the former president is said to have gestured vaguely at the ceiling and replied, “The government.” A long pause followed. Someone eventually reminded him that he had been the government for nine years. Zuma reportedly considered this information carefully before adding, “Yes. Exactly.”
Staff at the hospital have described the atmosphere as “tense but familiar.” One nurse, speaking off the record, said the former president has already rejected three different South African specialists because “their accents sound too local.” He has, however, accepted a Singaporean doctor who appeared on a Zoom call wearing a very clean coat and speaking with the kind of quiet confidence that only comes from never having had to explain load-shedding to a patient.
“He keeps asking when the plane leaves,” said another source. “We keep explaining that this is not how medical evacuations work, and also that he is already in a private hospital. Then he says something about Nkandla having better air-conditioning and the conversation ends.”
Political analysts have noted the irony of a former head of state seeking treatment abroad after years of overseeing the public health system. One commentator observed that “it is a bold move to demand international healthcare while simultaneously being the reason many South Africans cannot get a basic appointment before 2029.” The MK Party has so far declined to comment, other than to reaffirm that their leader remains “healthy as a horse, a very expensive, internationally mobile horse.”
As of last night, no Singaporean hospital had confirmed receiving a booking in the name of “J. Zuma, former customer.” Hospital administrators in Singapore were unavailable for comment, possibly because they were busy treating patients whose governments had not previously spent a decade perfecting the art of medical tourism for the people who caused the problem in the first place.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is not intended to be taken as factual reporting. Any resemblance to real people, hospitals, or the ongoing condition of South African public healthcare is entirely coincidental and also extremely obvious.
