The ParentHood Tribe - Support for families with dysfunctional members.

21/09/2026

Follow the link in the 1st comment to find many many helpful articles on the Empowering Parents site.

*Learned Helplessness: Are You Doing Too Much for Your Child?*
By Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC Empowering Parents

When we do too much for our kids—when we over-function for them—we rob them of the skills and practice necessary to develop competence and mastery in life.
Instead of learning life skills, they develop a problem that psychologists refer to as learned helplessness. This is certainly not our intention when we aim to help our kids. Indeed, we often don’t even realize that we are over-functioning for them.
When you get stuck in the role of doing too much, you might find it hard to stop. You feel needed. Your kids rely on you. And they come to expect that you will do these things for them.
These examples may sound familiar to you:
Your toddler knows how to tie her shoes, but you tie them for her anyway because it’s faster.
You run back to school when your forgetful 13–year–old son forgets his homework again.
Your teen leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. Instead of getting into another argument about it, you do it for him. It’s easier that way.
Your daughter with ADHD is having problems completing her science project. She can’t seem to focus and complains that it’s boring and too difficult. After she goes to sleep, you finish it for her. After all, you don’t want her to fail.
Why do we do this? Often it’s to manage our anxieties about our kids. We’re scared they might fail, so we do what we can to ensure that they don’t fail. And in the process, we unwittingly undermine their progress. Doing too much for our kids is not an effective parenting strategy. And it doesn’t have to be this way.

*Am I Doing Too Much for My Child?*
You are over-functioning if you tend to move in quickly with advice, think you know what’s best, have a low threshold for your child’s pain, and don’t allow him to struggle through his problems.
You might have difficulty sharing your own vulnerabilities and spend more time focusing on others’ goals than your own. The people around you may think of you as always reliable and together. And you might not see it as a problem until you start to burn out.
Understand that over–functioning creates a vicious cycle. The more you do for your child, the less he does for himself. And the less he does for himself, the more helpless he seems. And the more powerless he feels. In response, you do even more for him. And the cycle continues.
You may feel responsible for your child, directing his moods, controlling his decisions, and micro-managing his social life.

In this way, you unwittingly encourage your child to be passive in life and become an under–functioner. When this happens, he begins to rely on you to do all the things he should be doing for himself. And you think, “He needs me. I can’t just let him drown. I need to save him.”
Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

*Recognize When You Are Doing Too Much for Your Child*
Recognize when you are doing too much, particularly when your anxiety is high. Stop thinking that doing things for your kids is a virtue. Change the destructive pattern by not rescuing, fixing, mediating, or lecturing. If you feel more pain than your child does about their responsibilities, then you’re probably doing too much for them.
Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan
Other signs that your child may be developing learned helplessness include being overly demanding, appearing helpless on purpose, and acting entitled.
Recognize the pattern, and then pay attention to your contribution to the problem. Make a conscious effort to take responsibility for only what belongs to you.
So the next time your daughter comes to you asking your advice on how to handle a difficult situation, change your patterned response of taking control and telling her what to do. Instead, say:
“I don’t know. I would have to think about that. What do you think would be helpful?”
Hand your child back the responsibility to struggle to find her own answers and solutions. Ask your child open-ended questions to get them thinking for themselves. Below are some examples of what I mean by open-ended questions:
“Tell me more about what you are struggling with?”
“Where are you with this problem?”
“What let up to this problem?”
“What do you think would be a good solution?”
“Can you name two other possible solutions?”
Contrary to popular opinion, psychologists don’t usually offer advice. Instead, they ask questions to empower their clients to figure out solutions for themselves. Psychologists will point out errors in thinking and ask probing questions to get clients to come to realizations. Parents can do the same with their kids.

*Are You in Your Child’s ‘Box’?*
In my parenting program, The Calm Parent AM & PM™️, I talk about the concept of “getting into your child’s box” and why we should avoid doing so.

Getting into your child’s box means that you’re getting into a space that belongs to your child, not you. Why do we do this?
The difficult truth for parents is that we don’t do it for our child’s best interests. Instead, we do it to calm ourselves down.
Some typical ways you may invade your child’s boundaries would be to continually hover, treat him as if he knows less than he does, and have his success define you. When you get into your child’s box, you’re trying to rescue, protect, and fix. You do for them what they should do for themselves.
You tend to believe that without your efforts, they wouldn’t be able to succeed. And in the process, you undermine their success.

*Stay In Your Own Box!*
How do you know if your child is capable or competent at a task? Once they know how to do something, like tying their shoe, it’s no longer in your box. Once your child has learned something, it’s their responsibility.
That doesn’t mean you can’t guide them. It’s sufficient to say:
“Is there any way I can be helpful to you here?”
But generally, this task belongs to them now. You don’t need to do something for your child that they can do for themselves.
*When you find yourself about to jump in and take charge, stop and ask yourself the following questions:*
Does this belong to my child or me?
Am I doing this to reduce my anxiety and calm myself down?
Is this my responsibility?
Am I doing this because it’s in my best interest or their best interest?
Am I in my child’s box?
How to Stop Doing Too Much for Your Child

*How do you stop over-functioning for your child? How do you prevent learned helplessness from setting in? Here are some ideas:*
Do just one thing differently at first.
Play a different role than the typical one you’ve played.
Be responsible, but don’t rescue.
When your child comes to you with a problem, be a listener. Don’t jump in and fix things.
Take on the role of coach and teacher, not the doer.
You will have to learn how to soothe yourself while watching him struggle. Otherwise, you might give in to the temptation of functioning for him.
When your child whines about homework, don’t sit down and do it for him. Help, but don’t take over.
Doing less for your child doesn’t mean that you detach completely. You’re still there for your child, but you’re not fixing things for them all the time.
*One word of caution: many times, people who over–function try to change their role by withdrawing. Remember that you want to do this in a way that’s still loving and connected.*
Talk to Your Child About Pulling Back
If you want your child to know that you’re stepping back and letting her take care of themselves more, you can say,
“I know you want me to pick up your dirty clothes around the house as I’ve done in the past, but it’s no longer my job to do. I want to help you to grow up to be a responsible kid. Someday, you’re going to have to take care of yourself, and I’m not going to be here to do it.”
Then, step back. Let your child be. If your child doesn’t do it, let them own the consequences.
Related content: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences

*Another thing you can say to your child to encourage and support him is:*
“I know you can do this. I think I’ve been doing too much for you. I’ve seen you do it before. I have a lot of faith that you’ll figure it out. You’re a good problem solver. I’m sure you’ll solve this problem, too. I believe in you.”
And as for yourself, this is a time to get focused on your own goals and development. Your child will benefit as he sees you taking good care of the things that belong in your box.

*Expect Pushback When You Stop ‘Doing’ for Your Child*
Recognize that pulling back will initially cause a problem. You’re changing a system that’s been in place for a long time. Like a machine, every part of the family system has its function. And when one person starts to change their part of it, it’s very threatening to the rest because that means everything has to change. And let’s face it, change is hard.
What pushback can you expect? Your child might act sick, whine, or argue with you more. They may even act more helpless at first, and they will undoubtedly try to make you feel guilty. When this inevitably happens, it will be very tempting to slip back into your old role, especially if you’re addicted to being the person that does everything.
But try to resist the urge. Stay the course. Remind yourself that you’re not going to do things for your child that you know he can—and should—do for himself. Just think, “If I do this for my child now, how will he be able to do it for himself later?”

Let’s face it, change is uncomfortable. And when you stop doing so much for your child, he’ll have to start doing more for himself. He will likely test you to see if he can get you to take on his responsibilities. But remember that staying in your own box is what’s best for both of you in the long run. Remind yourself that facing challenges are great opportunities for kids to grow and mature.

*Expect Some Personal Pain When Your Child Struggles*
None of this is easy. You will probably feel the emotional pain of letting go of your role as an over–functioner and watching your child flounder for a while. You might even experience feelings of depression, anxiety, and anger because you’re getting in touch with your own vulnerabilities.
Understand that many over–functioners hide a lot of their insecurities. It’s hard to admit that we don’t know things or that we feel helpless. Be prepared for these feelings to surface as you start to do things differently.

*Learned Helplessness and Adult Kids Living at Home*
The biggest problem with learned helplessness in kids is that they often become under-functioning adults who never leave home. Dependent adult children living at home have become a serious problem for many families in recent years. Indeed, many adults living at home are the result of the cycle of over-functioning parents and under-functioning kids.
Consider the 23-year-old adult child living at home who sleeps all day, parties all night, and won’t look for work. Still, you let him live under your roof without paying rent or asking him to leave. You even find yourself waiting on him hand and foot.
Maybe you’re going along with this because you’re avoiding the discomfort of a confrontation. But the question to ask yourself is, “Is this in my child’s best interests?” Are you helping your adult child, or are you teaching your adult child to be helpless?
Related content: How to Cope with an Adult Child Living at Home

*Learned Helplessness and Kids with Disabilities*
If you have a child diagnosed with a learning disability or a behavioral disorder, it gives you even more reason to do too much for them. It may even feel as if it’s expected, as if it’s an obligation.
But understand that you’re not doing them any favors when you do things for them that they can do for themselves. Rather, you’re taking away the opportunity for them to learn how to do things for themselves. One day, your child will need to go out into the world and function as an adult. You can’t be there forever.
Of course, you need to understand their disability and help them when appropriate. But try not to let your anxiety compel you to overdo it for your child. When that happens, you run the risk of ending up angry, resentful, and burned out. And your child has less opportunity to learn to function on his own.

*Conclusion*
Facing challenges are great opportunities for kids to grow and mature. Yes, it’s painful to observe our child going through difficult times. As parents, we want to make this stop. We tend to want to jump in and fix things. But, this is when it’s essential that we step back and not step in. Take on the role of teacher and coach, supporting your child through the difficulty, while letting them discover their capabilities. Remember, learning to manage obstacles in life makes us all stronger people.

13/08/2026

This is a terrific read.

Substance abuse is often misunderstood as a failure of willpower or a simple desire to "have fun." Neuroscience and Psychology show that when a child or teen uses addictive substances, their brain chemistry and biology are significantly altered, leading to serious long-term consequences.

Understanding the science behind how substances impact a child’s development, are essential tools for protection and effective intervention.

What Happens in the Developing Brain?
The adolescent brain is uniquely vulnerable to the effects of drugs and alcohol. It’s undergoing crucial development, especially in the areas that control decision making, impulsivity, and the perception of rewards.

Dopamine Hijack in the Reward Circuit: Addictive substances flood the brain’s reward centre with dopamine, creating an intense "high" or sense of euphoria. The brain, which is wired to seek pleasure, learns to crave this substance, prioritising it over healthy, natural rewards like food, social interaction, and learning.

Impaired Decision Making (Prefrontal Cortex): The prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, judgment, and planning, isn't fully developed until the early-to-mid 20s. Substances directly impair this area, leading to poor choices, increased risk-taking, and a diminished ability to foresee negative consequences.

Altered Neural Connections: Chronic substance use strengthens pathways associated with craving while weakening connections needed for emotional regulation and cognitive function. This effectively "rewires" the brain, making it more difficult to resist the substance and more susceptible to addiction later in life.

The "Why" and Long-Term Impact
Children and teens often turn to substances for many reasons, including:

Coping with Trauma and Stress: Many youth use drugs or alcohol to self-medicate and numb the pain of trauma, abuse, neglect, or undiagnosed mental health conditions like anxiety and depression.

Peer Pressure and Social Status: The desire to fit in and gain social acceptance is a powerful driver for teens to experiment with substances.

Misguided Attempt to Feel Normal: For some, substances are used to help feel "normal" or to function, when they face emotional difficulties.

The long-term physiological and psychological effects are severe:

Chronic Health Conditions: Underage drinking and drug use can lead to liver and heart disease, high blood pressure, and damage to the immune system. Certain drugs, like cannabis, are linked to an increased risk of psychosis and schizophrenia in vulnerable individuals.

Cognitive Impairment: Substances can permanently lower impulse control, impair learning and memory circuits, and result in long-term deficits in cognitive function.

Addiction and Dependence: The earlier a child starts using substances, the more likely they are to develop an addiction as the substance seeking habit becomes embedded in their brain’s circuitry.

How We Can Protect Our Children
Protecting children from substance abuse requires a proactive, science-backed approach.

Don't Say "It’s a Phase": Never dismiss youth substance use as a typical rite of passage. Their brain is being impacted. They need prompt validation, safety, and supportive intervention.

Watch for Physical and Behavioural Clues: Look for changes in school attendance or performance, withdrawal from activities, dramatic shifts in mood or personality, new friends, and unusual fatigue. Early intervention is crucial.

Validate and Support, Don't Judge: Create a safe space where children feel comfortable sharing their struggles without fear of shame. Phrases like, "I'm here to listen, not judge," and "I want you to know you can always talk to me," are vital for building trust.

Connect Them with Resources: If you suspect a child is struggling with substance use, don't wait. Provide access to professional counselling, treatment programmes, and mental health support. Addressing underlying issues like trauma or mental illness is key to recovery.

Protecting children starts with understanding what they're going through.

Share this post to raise awareness, and drop a comment below: What resources or strategies have you found effective in supporting youth facing substance abuse challenges?

23/07/2026

Family does not always mean the people who share your DNA. Healthy family relationships are built on love, trust, respect, support, and emotional safety, not just biology.

If you're struggling with toxic family dynamics, setting healthy boundaries, healing from childhood trauma, or navigating difficult relationships with parents or siblings, you're not alone. Recognizing unhealthy patterns is the first step toward protecting your mental health and creating healthier connections.

Read our latest article to learn the warning signs of a toxic family and discover how to prioritize your emotional well-being.

👉 https://reachoutrecovery.com/4-signs-of-a-toxic-family/

20/07/2026

Check in with yourself regularly

Don't complain about the results you're not getting from the work you're not doing.
The same applies to your Mental Health. Healing, growth, and self-care take intention. Checking in with yourself, setting boundaries, asking for support, and practising healthy coping strategies may seem like small steps, but they all make a difference over time.

Be patient with yourself, keep showing up, and remember that progress is made one step at a time.

19/07/2026

If you think quitting drugs is hard, try setting boundaries with someone you love who is struggling with addiction.

Try saying no when every part of you wants to rescue them.

Try letting the phone ring when you're terrified something terrible might happen.

Try refusing money, bail, rent, rides, or excuses--while your heart screams that love should mean helping.

Try standing firm when they blame you, beg you, threaten you, or tell you that they don't care.

Boundaries aren't easy when addiction has trained you to live in fear.

They can feel cruel, even when they are necessary.

But a boundarry is not abandonment.

It's a way of saying:

"I love you too much to keep helping the addiction hurt both of us."

You may shake when you set it.

You may cry afterward.

You may question yourself a hundred times.

But hold it anyway.

Because sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop rescuing your loved one from the consequences that may finally lead them toward recovery.

25/06/2026

A great read. Our support group can help you through your changes.

24/06/2026

A great article on identifying the hidden signs of manipulative people. By joing our support group, manipulation is discussed in depth. How to identify and how to put boundaries in place.

Manipulative people can cause deep and lasting damage, especially in intimate relationships. The best defense is developing a radar to detect these individuals before you get involved. Here is how to recognize toxic patterns, manage your emotions, and understand your own relationship behaviors:

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**1. Developing your radar for toxic people.** You must train yourself to judge people not by their words, charming personalities, or glittering resumes, but by their deep character and long-term patterns. Observe their history: if a person claims that all their past relationships ended because their partners were terrible, and they take zero accountability, your antenna should go up. They are likely not revealing the truth, and the common denominator in those failed relationships is them. The victim infection: beware of people who continually present themselves as victims of circumstance or other people. In reality, they are often the ones constantly drawing drama to themselves because it is how they survive. If you get involved, you will inevitably be sucked into their drama and feel guilty trying to leave. Non-verbal cues: pay attention to a person's eyes. Narcissistic individuals often have very animated faces but a deadness in their eyes. They may appear to be listening, but you can sense they are not truly connecting with you and are only thinking about themselves.

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**2. How to deal with toxic people.** If you are already entangled with a toxic person—whether it is a spouse, a boss, or a colleague—you must learn to manage the dynamic. Emotional detachment: the greatest power you can develop is the ability to withdraw your emotions from the moment. When they try to push your buttons or make you feel guilty, you must constantly tell yourself, it is not me, it is not personal, they have issues from early childhood driving this toxic pattern. Remove their power: toxic people thrive on getting a reaction. Seeing you upset excites them. When you remain calm, centered, and detached, it removes their power. It may not cure them, but it stops you from being sucked into their games. Walk away if possible: if you have a toxic boss, quit the job if you can. No amount of extra money is worth the emotional damage that can take years to recover from.

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**3. The rider and the horse: balancing your emotions.** You cannot simply repress your emotions when dealing with difficult people, as repressed emotions will eventually explode in ways you cannot control. Conversely, constantly emoting and losing self-control makes you appear weak. To manage your emotions, use the metaphor of the rider and the horse. The horse: your emotions (the animal part of you that feels anger, fear, or excitement). The rider: your rational brain. If the rider holds the reins too tightly (repressing emotions), the horse will freak out and throw you off. If the rider lets go completely, the horse will go wildly wherever it wants. You must find a balance. Hold the reins just enough to guide the horse, relaxing and becoming one with it. Understand why you are feeling angry or fearful, process it rationally, and decide if it is truly worth reacting to. This allows you to use that emotional energy constructively rather than exploding later.

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**4. Maintaining effort in long-term relationships.** A common complaint in long-term relationships is that one partner stops making the effort they did when they were initially trying to win the other person over. While you cannot maintain the exhausting pace of early courtship forever, you must still make an effort. Keep surprising your partner. Take them to special places, buy thoughtful gifts, and show them sides of your character they haven't seen. Listen deeply to what they feel they are missing from the world, and provide it. This maintains the spark, even decades into a relationship.

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**5. Recognizing your own unconscious patterns.** Often, we choose partners for reasons we are completely unaware of, driven by early childhood wounds. For example, a person who had an abandoning parent might unconsciously seek out relationships only to abruptly end them. By abandoning their partners before they could abandon them, they gain a sense of power and control, essentially redoing their childhood trauma, where they are now the one in charge. If you have a history of bruising and damaging relationships, it is absolutely essential that you step back and analyze your own patterns. You will naturally want to blame the other person for everything, but you must look inward to understand the underlying reasons you keep falling for toxic dynamics.

23/06/2026

Our support group is also available for family members of people struggling with addiction. Drop us a message and we will make contact. You don’t have to go through this alone.

14/06/2026

Let your body exhale today. Release the tension in your shoulders, unclench your jaw, soften your face, and come back to yourself gently.

Not everything needs fixing right now, some things just need rest.

Breathe in calm. Breathe out everything that feels heavy. 🤍

23/12/2025

The festive season is always difficult for family members of addicts. Try and join. Support group that can guide you through this emotional rollercoaster of addiction. The ParentHood Tribe is there for you.