04/07/2022
I started this page some time ago with the intention of sharing my story. If my story can help at least one person then I want to share it - the good, the bad and the completely earth shattering. Everytime I think about getting on here an sharing part of who I am I talk myself out of it. Now today though. Today is independence day and I want to share. I hate today. Not because of what it stands for. But, because of the pain it brings my heart. My husband, Dave, died by su***de 13 years ago. Fourth of July and fireworks were two of his favorite things. We always went out to my parents house on the lake. Dave was like a kid on Christmas Eve lighting off fireworks all night. Now that he is gone ever boom on this day takes a little piece of my heart. For 13 years I have tried to convince myself that "it is just a day" and I can make it through. The first few years I made plans to go out various places. I never managed to make it out of the house without at least a one major break down. The whole time I was out all I wanted to do was be back home. The last few years I gave up even trying to leave the house. It was too much for me.. So the new plan was to meet me where I was at. We purchased fireworks to light off at home and had family over. That helped a little. This day still crushes my heart though. Being at home I could retreat to my safe space when I got too overwhelmed. My point is that no matter how long ago your loss occurred, you are still going to have those soul crushing days. Its okay to still have bad days. Grief cannot be measured by time. Yes the begin with the year of "First" is awful. Some people are under the assumption that once you get past all the "first" you will be past the pain. It doesn't work that way. There is always going to be something that triggers you. You just need to remember that it is okay to just be in the moment and feel the pain. Who cares if you cannot make it to that family 4th BBQ or Thanksgiving. Do what is right for you and what helps you get through the day. Allow yourself to feel it. Dont downplay it to save others feelings. That pain is a badge of honor. It means that the person you are missing mattered and was deeply loved. For all of you who don't hate the 4th of July: Have a happy and safe fourth. For those of us who day: Hang in there. We almost have another year in the books.
Photo: My view last night from my front porch. The neighbors fireworks through the trees.
