12/05/2023
I know, I have literally just never felt this low, like a literal PITCHBLACK can't and yea I'm an emotional person but I've never been but bursting into tears multiple times a day like 20 times minimum ( & thats actually less then its been happening over forgetting a pen, or something so small it's ridiculous pr even worse, lashing out and saying hateful things I DONT MEAN to the person I love most in this world and neemore than anything, (litmus FAVORITE PERSON) & that sounds like awwe he's ur favorite person, EXCEPT I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and that is a good thing when I'm doing ok, but when I hit a dark spell that's the worst person to be, ur hateful, say things you don't mean (& don't remember even if you're 1000000% sober) it's called splitting and unfortunately I split more than I disassociate (which I wish I did more often, it's less harmful to those I love) cause I just go silent and shut myself off to everyone and everything, but splitting, I do everything I can to push those I love to hate me and abandon me (my worst fear LITERALLY ALL THE TIME) My gear of being abandoned by those I love most literally taunts and haunts me non stop and it isn't ANYTHING they do to male me feel that way, unfortunately my brain is a HUGE LIAR and convinces me those I care for secretly hate me, want to be rid of me and only stick around to punish me for every awful thing I've done to them ( That's not the truth or reality, but my brain convinces me of it and then convinces me if I push them away and make them hate me, that I did the abandoning and somehow that's better) I know, I know ABSOLUTELY INSANE to think that way when they've never done anything but the opposite to try to prove how unconditionally they love me and are here for me, if you've taken the time to read this far that neanthe world, more than you know and if I can't shake this by January 1st, I'm going to have to say whatever I have to, to get them to give me an unwilling grippy sock vacation, but at this point I'm lost and don't know what to do, ( Please don't worry, I'd never unalive myself, for the simple fact I'd NEVER do that to my children, I'd never let themselves wonder if it was their fault or what they could have done to save me) so if anyone wants to get me a Christmas gift rent me a room for 3 days to a week to clear my head and a gift card for some self care) and take me Christmas shopping for some presents for my 4 kids, if you'd rather send cash, I have CashApp ( $HalleyCannon) or PayPal, you will have too pm me for that info cause I don't know it by heart and, the Tocci family, I do not want y'all doing anymore than what you have, you're part of the reason we have decorations, a tree and my kids lit up at seeing the Christmas decorations and everything y'all have done enough, and are struggling with a huge loss of ur own, so thank you for all the love, u guys will always be family and ill be eternally grateful for y'all, ALSO I DID NOT DROP MY CASHAPP EXPECTING ANYTHING FROM ANYONE AT ALL, I'M just trying to let my people know why my posts seem to be pretty hopeless at the moment and a little insight into my f***ed up brain
