18/03/2022
It had been a couple of days since I'd had a complete emotional meltdown, so I reckon I was due. Let me preface this by saying I had a lot of quiet time today because I was alone in the car for 3 hours as I travelled to and from my doctor's appt. I travel 3 hours round trip because going to see her is like spending quality time with a girlfriend that really DOES know everything about you. She remembers it all. And she's comfortable asking the really tough questions that are considered taboo for regular folks.
The last time I saw her was December 2021, BC (before Camden). I'd been waiting for this grandchild for a very, very long time. I was so excited at that visit. We were in the homestretch. I was so close to holding the baby that I thought would never happen. I couldn't wait to see my oldest daughter holding her newborn. I couldn't wait to kiss his cheeks off. I couldn't wait to smell his sweet little head. I just couldn't wait. PERIOD. I have other grandchildren. They are all special and loved, but I'm just the bonus grandmother. I watched their mom grow them from a distance. I wasn't invited to prenatal appts. I wasn't invited to the ultrasound appts. She called her mom with all of the exciting firsts like feeling them kick...have the hiccups...what not. This was the first time I got to be the "real" grandmother. I cannot lie. I was all warm and tingly. 100% in love. It was even more special because I have close girlfriends that were experiencing the joys of grandmotherhood at the same time. We were all expecting grandsons within weeks of each other.
March 2022, AC was a much different appt. We talked about making medication changes to help me cope with his loss. We talked about how much weight I've gained because I just don't give AF about much these days. We talked about the healing power (or lack of) of chocolate. We talked about how angry I am. How much I am struggling with that unresolved anger. We talked about Cots for Camden. We talked about the CuddleCot. What it does. How it helped. How damn lousy it is that they are not standard in every hospital. How damn broken our healthcare system is and how the importance of mental health is overlooked. And I'm holding up well talking about these things. Give me a bit fat ATTAGIRL!
I did not cry, but it wasn't easy at all to talk about other things. How is Brittney? How does she feel about baby sister being pregnant? How am I balancing the two of them? How do I feel about Rosie's pregnancy? And lastly, how do I feel that my girlfriends have grandsons and I do not?
Let's see. (I thought about this the entire way home.)
Brittney is awful. Perhaps a tiny bit less than awful if you can actually split hairs. She loves her sister. I think she's probably as happy as she can be for her, but it can't be easy. I don't think it's any easier for Rosie. I think she'd probably like to talk to her sister more about her baby and pregnancy, but doesn't want to cause her any more pain. I hate this so much for my girls. Neither one of them asked to be in this position. And I just don't know what to do. This s**t didn't come with an instruction manual.
My baby girl is having a baby girl. How do I feel? Terrified is the first word that comes to mind. I really, really want to be all in just like I was with Eggy. I'm trying to go all in just like I did with Eggy. I got warm and tingly when I heard her heartbeat. I got a little emotional watching her wiggle around at the ultrasound. I shut that crap down real quick because I don't want to fall 100% in love until she takes that first breath and I'm holding her in my arms. If I fall 100% in love with her and lighting strikes in the same place twice, I will not survive. I read the fine print of pregnancy and I will never forget it. I will love her. I will cry when I'm holding her in my arms. I will be amazed by her. When she's born and I can finally exhale this breath I've been holding in.
Bittersweet. I love my friends. I am so unbelievably happy for them. I thank God that their grandsons have been born and are healthy. My girls and I were looking at their pictures today. It's important to decide which one Iris will marry when she gets big because we need to start the alliance and arranged marriage process STAT. Seriously. It hurts like hell to see their grandsons. It will always hurt like hell because I will always know that Eggy was supposed to be growing up with them. How can it not? I know it's not exactly the way Brittney feels about Iris, but it can't be that much different. I'm going to love those babies any way. I'm going to celebrate their milestones with their grandmas even though it hurts. Because there is no question that I love their grandparents and therefore, love them so much that not sharing in their lives would be even more painful. Does that make any sense?
I wrestled with some deep emotions all the way home and remained dry eyed. Again, give me a bit fat attagirl. I freaking earned it. Do you know what set off my bubble snot, go through a box of Kleenex sob-a-thon? (You might want to grab a box of Kleenex for this.) My daughter asked me to go to Target with her tomorrow...to see if she could return the baby shower gifts. Just like that, it's 12/26/21 all over again. Ground Zero.
And that's where I'm at today.
