06/05/2024
We live in a culture that functions as a machine to churn out adolescent "adults." It's not just men, it's everyone, but the adolescence of men is encouraged to be aggressive, dominating, and potentially violent.
Be the Man.
Show them who's boss.
Wear the pants in the relationship.
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
Real men don't cry.
Etc.
I'm not suggesting that men receive a "get of out jail FREE" card. Every man can and must do better, myself included. We all have the responsibility for ourselves, our loved ones, our community, our ancestors, and our planet to unravel and reweave all of the beliefs and behaviors that society and family imposed upon us without our consent, when we were little and trusted the adults around us to teach us what we needed to know.
And, we shouldn't blame men for the path they've been set upon.
We absolutely should hold them accountable for the times they choose to not listen, not heal, not make the essential paradigm shift from predator to protector. But this is a hard change. What we learned in childhood is foundational, and most of it becomes subconscious.
Children are meant to be raised within a loving community. It takes a village, right? Raised by adults fully invested in the child's happiness, safety and success. Raised with cultural practices that encourage humility, accountability, amends, service, courage, empathy and right relationship. Raised with the mentorship of elders. In pre-agricultural societies, this was the norm. For 99.9% of the time that we've been upright, this is how we lived. This kind of culture naturally produces whole humans without much effort.
So, if we want the collective population of men to be kind, protective, open-minded, and cooperative, we need to change the culture boys grow up in. Until then, it will be the rare man that succeeds in doing the hard work of healing the damage that our current culture has inflicted upon him.
By all means, hold men accountable. Encourage their healing. But until we change the culture and raise up a new generation of whole men, the bear will often be the better date.