01/28/2026
When we first got Jeremiah’s diagnosis, I told myself if this nightmare is true and if anything ever did happened to him, I could never leave the house we lived in, the house he grew up in, the one that held every single memory of him. But the moment he passed, our house wasn’t a home anymore. All the beautiful memories got tangled up with the unimaginable ones, and suddenly the walls felt heavy, too heavy. It’s a weight I never wanted, one I wish didn’t have to live here.
Our house holds so many memories like him crawling down the stairs with an oversized blanket wrapped all the way around him ready to play hide and seek with the dog. Or those early mornings when he’d walk into the bedroom at 7 AM shoes ALWAYS on the wrong feet, wide awake and ready to start the day. And afternoons outside when he never wanted to come inside always asking for “one more loop-de-loop” on his bike, chasing joy in every little moment. He was so carefree and so fun!
After a lot of prayer and hard conversations we chose to move. It wasn’t because we wanted to leave the memories behind, theyll always be with us, it was because staying here holds too much weight for us to carry every day. The house still holds our memories, but we needed space to breathe, to heal, and to find new hope.
Packing up our home in the middle of grief means facing memories over and over. Tonight, it was Christmas presents, presents our little guy never got to open or play with. One gift especially, the color-changing monster trucks, he showed me videos of these monster trucks over and over and over. It took me forever to find the exact ones he wanted. I was so excited when I did find them and even more excited to see his face when he’d open them, I knew he would instantly want to go straight to the bath. But they were never opened… never touched.
Now the mom guilt hits like a punch in the throat “Why didn’t I just give them to him when they got here?” “Why did it matter they were for Christmas” I know, deep down, I could never have known how little time we had left nor how fast he would decline. But that doesn’t stop my heart from beating itself up over it. It doesnt stop the hurt.
I’m holding on to his monster trucks. I’ll keep them safe, praying that God blesses us with grandsons, so many that my heart can’t even imagine and that someday, those trucks will be a sweet gift from their Uncle J. A way for a piece of him to live on, to keep loving, even when he’s gone.