04/16/2026
"I bought them. I housed them. I lost every single one." — Mrs. Davis
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE / AUDIT DIVISION — IRS auditor Mr. Kemper was assigned the case of Mrs. Janet Davis, a 17-year third-grade teacher, on Monday after her 2025 federal tax return listed 4,000 Ticonderoga No. 2 pencils as individual dependents, each identified by purchase date and assigned a first name beginning with the letters A through Z on a rotating cycle. Mr. Kemper, who has processed approximately 14,000 audits over his career, told supervisors the return was "the most thorough documentation of financial loss I have ever encountered" and that Mrs. Davis had arrived to the audit meeting with a 340-page printout of Amazon receipts organized by month and a binder she referred to only as "the ledger."
"I have provided for these pencils since August. I have sheltered them. I have sharpened them. I have watched them leave and never come back," Mrs. Davis told Mr. Kemper, who scratched his head and confirmed that the current tax code does not permit writing instruments to be claimed as dependents regardless of the emotional or financial relationship between the filer and the pencils. Mrs. Davis pushed the binder across the desk, opened it to a page marked "September — Casualties," and pointed to a handwritten list of 47 pencils she described as "confirmed missing" during a single week, none of which were returned despite what she called "a no-questions-asked amnesty box that no child has ever used."
Mr. Kemper has denied the dependent claims but recommended Mrs. Davis apply for the $300 educator expense deduction, which she told him "wouldn't cover October."