05/29/2025
Small talk is a funny thing for those of us who have endured unthinkable abuse in our lives. As long as we stick to the weather, sales at the store, and more about the weather (haha), we might be ok. But if the topics get more "normal and personal", we are often the reason the whole room becomes silent.
Having lived through abuse, it is great when we finally find our voice. Sometimes, we don't know how to stop using it. We had been silent for so long about what was happening, that we find our strength in sharing what happened. I don't mean graphic details, but just the "well, he hit me so we aren't together anymore" kind of responses. Maybe we do this to show we were brave enough and strong enough to get away from it. Maybe we are just happy that we don't have to pretend our lives were great - when they weren't.
I was at a baby shower and someone made a comment about their age for their first pregnancy. (Not contributing to that discussion.) Then talk about whether or not husbands helped out with the kids when they were born. (Hmmm. . . let's see. First husband abandoned us the day the babies came home from the hospital. Second husband was helpful with the kids as much as he could because he was working full time, we had 5 children to care for, and he was really busy keeping a horrible secret about abusing the kids.) Not sure how to answer that one.
Somebody started talking about how some children were like moms and others were like the dads. Again, I am mostly excluding myself from answering these questions. People kept trying to include me and directly asking questions to me that only had awful answers. (These people were not trying to be mean or make me feel bad; they were genuinely trying to help me feel included.)
There were many topics that are completely normal for a baby shower that were brought up that day. The problem is that these women were talking from healthy lives. I had nothing to add. They were trying to be kind and asked me to share my stories, but my life was too awful to share. I was aware that the whole room was much quieter after I answered their questions.
As the minutes felt like hours, I made the excuse that I wasn't feeling very well and left - after only having been there about half an hour. Pulled my car down the street and stopped at the side of the road to just cry it out before driving home.
There are a lot of instances where I just feel like I am not "good enough" to be included in this world. Days like these sting because I wanted, more than anything, to be at the babyshower for my grandbaby. Other than lying or being vague, I'm just not sure how to "be" at events like this.
What do you do to get past these normal questions without bringing down the party - and still being true to your voice? (You can send private message responses through facebook or email them if you prefer: [email protected].)
Healing starts here . . . I just don't know how.
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