10/13/2026
Things I never imagined I’d have to say as a parent.
“You are not allowed to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me where a writing utensil is.”
That one required THREE separate incidents.
The first night, it was a pencil.
The second time, a pen.
The third time, at some ungodly hour, my child woke me up to announce the location of a freaking piece of chalk.
Apparently, we had a developing stationery emergency.
Then there was family Bible study.
I’m sitting there, trying to explain scripture to six children, when I suddenly hear myself say:
“And then Peter told Jesus, DO NOT PLAY WITH YOUR P***S IN PUBLIC!”
That was not, in fact, what Peter told Jesus.
But one of my children had chosen that exact moment to engage in some extracurricular activity, and my mouth responded before my brain could finish the original sentence.
Five children looked at me like I’d completely lost my mind.
One knew exactly what I was talking about.
Other notable contributions to my parenting vocabulary include:
“WE DO NOT WALK TOWARD EXPLOSIONS!”
And:
“It is never appropriate to lick your teacher’s shoes. There are better ways to show her you like her.”
I genuinely thought that last one was common knowledge.
Apparently not.
Before becoming a parent, I imagined teaching my children important life lessons about honesty, responsibility, kindness, and making good decisions.
Instead, I’m apparently running a highly specialized educational institution where the curriculum includes footwear hygiene, emergency response, public decency, and appropriate times to discuss office supplies.
I don’t remember seeing any of this in the parenting books.
Please tell me I’m not the only person who has had to say things that should never need to be said out loud.
Is What A Parent Does?
