08/04/2024
It’s Fall.
It’s Dave’s 16th year as a Fulton County School Bus Driver - please pray for him, all the adults pouring into our children and for our children.
Can you feel it, see it, hear it, smell it, touch it?
I can.
It’s that time of year where everything washes over me.
I can’t explain it, but as soon as Tini’s Birthday approaches, the week before the 28th of July, the weight of the season presses in on my entire being and takes my breath away.
My heart beats faster and I can feel my body going into sensory overload.
The subtleties and changes of the season of Fall shift my entire being into a heightened sense of awareness and a deep weight of heaviness.
It’s so complicated and difficult to explain in words.
The 9th season of Fall without Tini here on Earth.
A season of new beginnings, the start of school, the promise of new hope.
Crisp cool mornings to come. Football games, warm fires, new sports, crisp apples, horses in the barn, new friends, the beginning of a new Church Youth Group and the list goes on...
Joy that is full of anticipation of exciting new things to come...
I continue to crawl through these days with the reminder that the future of all these new beginnings with Tini are gone...
Fall just takes me to my knees.
I’ve tried to figure out why this season more so than the others?
I think it’s the stark juxtaposition of fresh new beginnings with so much hope and excitement that stands against so much tension of the loss and emptiness and the remaining hole in my heart that simply aches and feels everything.
The tension of joy and sorrow... life goes on all around me... laughter and so much expectation of a new year...
Trying to reconcile all the senses that are on overdrive is impossible.
I am getting more input from my five senses than my brain can sort through and process.
I know I’m rambling and still so mixed up on most everything.
Time and grief is so disorienting now...
It is like time is frozen...I am in this time warp bubble, with one foot in the past and one foot in the future. As if time doesn't move for me, yet it does for everyone else.
This crazy feeling like I am standing still on April 27th 2016 and can see and feel everything on that day and backwards...but still here I am on August 4th 2024....again too hard to even put this into words.
And here I am holding onto the hope and promise that God is faithful, HE sees me, HE weeps with me and HE will never leave me.
The gift HE has given me of KNOWING the preciousness of EVERY moment in time...ALL of it - past, present and future.
I gently hold each and every moment in my heart and thank God HE has given me the eyes to see and heart to know that my faith and HIS promises hold true. This is not my home, I am promised eternity with HIM and I will be with my girl one day soon.
"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4
I miss you Tini.
I long to see you riding Beau in the fields at Redd Road...
I yearn to see you sitting on the kitchen counter with your guitar singing a song you just wrote.
I ache to hold you and hug you and tell you I love you.
I weep for all the earthly future moments we should be experiencing together.
“Notice that autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature.”
I love you Tini to the moon and back, infinity and beyond. I’m missing you so much.