08/29/2026
As we navigate a path we know as grief now, birthdays hit different. Bittersweet with a bite, especially after losing a child because growing older highlights the physical time and distance growing between their loss and now.
Every birthday means we get another year of life, but our child did not get to keep theirs.
It isn't fair that we get to age, celebrate and live while our child's life stopoed. We even measure our age against an age they will never reach.
Birthdays are meant for joy, but core family reality is marked by a permanent, painful absence.
Society expects happiness on birthdays, which can feel fake, exhausting, and deeply isolating when you carry profound grief. So don't be offended when we don't want to celebrate or when we don't find joy in aging. Our identity as an active parent, especially to a medically complex child feels unexpressed or rejected by a world that wants to party while we mourn.
Because as we get older, our child remains the same age, for me, it's forever two. The gap feels unnatural to my heart. So you do what is best for your own hearts.
If you don't feel like celebrating then just say so, those who love you will respect that. Remove expectations, you do not have to smile, celebrate or pretend to be happy just because it feels expected because it's your birthday. Let family and friends know how you feel to protect your own energy.
But guess what, you have the right to feel joy. You can feel happy. If that's how you feel. Don't cover your grief on your birthday to make others comfortable. I'm 20 months in and people think I should be happy and okay now, and I am not. Far from it. Time moves forward but our heart stays with the grief. Birthdays make it hard. Not just theirs but ours. So as my birthday is today, I want to say..
Be incredibly kind to yourself on your birthday and know that we are here for you.
All of our children matter.