A trigger warning before I start. This is about my story with baby loss. It’s about finding the strength, courage and determination to turn something so tragic into something positive. It’s about helping people. On the 24th June 2013, our second child, Kate, died shortly after birth, from one of her blood vessels abrupting. Dr’s had never witnessed it. It remains unexplained. It’s due to this loss
, Kate’s Bears and our involvement in the baby loss community began. It’s a club you pay the ultimate price to belong to and you never want to be part of. When your child dies, you are faced with having to create a life time of memories in a few days. Every second counts. We had to keep Kate in a hospital refrigerator. Precious moments to hold her were fleeting. When we held her, it had to be with ice packs which were dripping. The hospital had cut out a piece of fabric to use as a blanket and we were asked to sign her death certificate before her birth certificate. We had intense feelings of empty arms. Shortly after her birth, our obstetrician gave us a teddy bear. She told us we would need something to hold. We wouldn’t understand the full importance of this bear straight away and how it would change so many lives. About 3 months later, Kates Bears started. My husband, Dougal and I promised that every family faced with this situation would be gifted “Kate’s Bear” and would never go through the same experience we had. When a baby is born, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect her baby. When a baby dies, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect their memory. Kate’s Bears aims to not only help other families but also help us to ensure Kate’s legacy lives on. Our vision was to gift a set of bears (one to stay with the family, the other to go with the baby), to anyone in the Auckland region who lost a child. The word grew quickly and now we support a number of DHBs across New Zealand and people both domestically and internationally. Our furtherest reaching bear delivery was sent to Athens in Greece! We have gifted more than 5500 bears in 8 years. Over 3000 quilts have been gifted and more than 3500 pairs of hand sewn nappies for very small babies. We donated the gift of time on Kate’s second and third birthdays with cuddle cots being gifted to both Auckland and Waitemata DHBs. These are cooling cots for babies so that parents can keep their baby’s with them, cuddle them without ice packs and create memories. On Kate’s fourth birthday we started a fundraiser to create a “room to grieve” to support ADHB’s Women’s Assessment unit and their rose room. On her 5th and 6th birthdays we gifted Kate’s birthday wish to Make-a-wish, by donating over $3,500 to help kids who face major medical issues. I was fortunate to be able to abseil down the 17 storeys of 205 Queen Street to mark those achievements. On her 7th birthday we asked the community to give the gift of care to the NZ Police after the tragic loss of a colleague and friend Matthew Hunt, and her 8th birthday aims to gain charitable status. Through Kates Bears we have been able to provide education to medical staff on supporting bereaved parents, as their words and actions impact heavily on families. We have held sessions for teams and employers on how best to support employees returning to work after facing the loss of their child as people don’t know what to say. We educate people on how to deal with a subject that is still taboo. Whilst we would do anything to have Kate with us, the people we have become, the friends we have made and lives we have changed has been mind-blowing. Her charity will live on as long as we do, and her memory even longer, we hope. In 2016, I received a local hero, New Zealander of the year award, both for my work with Kates Bears and my work as a front line ambulance officer with St John. I certainly don’t consider myself any hero, …but through my own life experiences, I simply want to be able to minimise some of the pain for others. Baby loss still seems to be a taboo subject and yet more babies die each year than people on our roads. The number is not dropping. If I can leave you with one thing, if you have friends or family that have lost a child, please remember them. Put their name in a card, speak their name. Yes there might be tears, but it is not sad tears. We don’t forget what happened. They are tears because someone remembered. There is no foot too small that it can’t leave an imprint on this world.
