10/12/2025
I would like to introduce myself….
I would really like you to know who I am and that I am not a bad person. I would like you to know how I went from setting up and running a su***de prevention organisation calling for a phone box on top of Culver for anyone with suicidal ideation to myself heading for Culver with the very same ideation on the 31st October when I was arrested.
Before my children were even a thought in my mind, I had struggles, I have suffered with my mental health and anxiety all my life and a whole lot of childhood trauma.
As I got older, I realised that alcohol numbed what I was feeling. I felt like I could deal with anything. Until the next day, when all these feelings, depression and anxiety was still there, but 10 times worse because I had been drinking the night before. The only thing that would take all that away was to drink again. That was the viscous cycle.
I became an alcoholic.
When I decided I wanted to have children, I knew that I never wanted them to see me like that. I had a decision to make. I chose to be a mum.
I was a great mum, a mum that other mums wanted to be, a mum I was proud of and a mum my children were proud of.
I took part in ultra marathon’s for charity, organised an event to raise money and awareness for Damien Nettles, at which is mum travelled from America for and received new leads whilst at the event.
I lost 2 brothers to su***de and I set up a non-profit su***de prevention and awareness organisation on the island.
I saved lives, I would be up all night speaking to people in crisis, even with 3 young children. I gave up my paid job to run the organisation voluntarily. The organisation was nominated for a National Diversity Award and out of 20,000 organisations, was one of eight finalists.
Over the last few years, I have found myself alone, I have no family on the island. My mental health has been suffering. I felt like I couldn’t deal with day to day life and being a good mum. I felt like I couldn’t solve my children’s problems, like I was doing it all on my own and I would be a failure.
The antidepressants I had been on for many years just weren’t working anymore, the anti anxiety meds were not touching my panic attacks. I would wake up in the morning scared that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the day.
I didn’t want to tell anyone because I felt that if people thought I was struggling, they would take my children away. I couldn’t risk that.
I thought that if I had a drink in the evening, it would numb my depression, anxiety and fear. I thought as it had been so long that I hadn’t had a drink, that I could control it…. I couldn’t.
The viscous cycle returned and I became the mum that I never wanted to be. Lately I have felt worse than ever. Alcohol and my mental health is a toxic concoction.
Halloween I just completely broke down. I hadn’t eaten in nearly 2 weeks and had very little sleep in many more. I never in my life imagined I would be in that situation, that frame of mind. But alcohol got its grips on me again.
Alcohol is cruel, it’s toxic, and it lies!
I felt that that my children would all be better off without me, that I was an awful mother, that 3 beautiful, perfect children like deserved so much more. That was what was in my head.
I headed to Culver. I was over the limit and felt like I had completely broken down and the thoughts racing through my head took over any rational thoughts. I never expected to return. My children tracked me on Life 360 and led the police to me. They saved my life.
I know that I’ve got some tough times ahead. The consequences of my actions that night. But I take full responsibility for my actions. I make no excuses for that behaviour. I will never forgive myself. I should have sought help before it got that far.
I am now sober, have support from Inclusion, attending AA and mercifully have the full support of my beautiful children.
I am going to make this right but it will never take away my feelings of guilt and regret.
I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, hence this group. It’s really important to talk and share. It helps us recover and heal.
Much love ♥️
