08/08/2026
🚨STOP SCROLLING 🛑
Have you ever said it?
Or have you ever been asked it?
Sometimes, a simple question can carry a weight we don’t see...
If you have ever been in an abusive relationship or close enough to someone going through it, this is a question that you asked or was thrown at you at some point, over and over again.
Parents,siblings,children,friends,colleagues,social workers,police officers and the list goes on....all wondering and asking the same question: "Why don’t you leave him/her/them?"
Should be easy right! To just pack and run!
Unfortunately, leaving is certainly as hard as staying in abuse if not harder
It can be extremely daunting, scary for victims to try and take that step. Fear of judgement,love,hope,threats,exhaustion,pain can just freeze you ,numb you...
What people also fail to understand is that leaving does not always stop the abuse. In many cases the abuse actually escalates at the point of leaving or right after. So leaving with no safety plan and proper support could cause more harm to victims.
In the UK,52% of those killed by intimate partner/former partner were taking steps towards leaving or had left the relationship.
(UK-Feminicide census21 👉https://www.femicidecensus.org/)
Not to mention that
Not every relationship affected by domestic abuse is bad all the time.
Whether it is with a partner, ex-partner or family member, there can be moments of love, laughter, kindness and happiness , followed by sudden, frightening or devastating outbursts.
That is what can make abuse so confusing and so difficult to escape!
People may hold on to the good moments , things they truly experienced. They may hope things will change and get back to "normal" or what should be normal. They may give the person they love the benefit of the doubt because, after all, nobody is perfect.
And then, over time, they may begin to feel trapped, exhausted, ashamed and guilty for hoping, for staying... especially when others have already told them to leave or turn their back.
Being subjected to domestic abuse can be one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through, with effects that can last for years.
So please, be kind.
Don’t ask a victim or survivor:
“Why haven’t you left?”
“Why did you stay?”
“Why didn’t you leave sooner?”
Instead, be the friend, family member, colleague or person they can feel safe around ,someone who gives them a moment to breathe and a break from what they are experiencing or have in the past and need to recover from
Of course, signposting them to professional support and specialist services is important. Being a listening ear can also mean so much.
But if you cannot offer practical support, please at least stop asking the question.
You may think you are trying to understand.
But to someone who is already feeling vulnerable, ashamed or powerless, that question can make them feel even more alone.
So before asking victims to leave
we should all get a better understanding of what domestic abuse actually is and consider the legitimate reasons /barriers /challenges victims face and explore with them tailored support.
Be kind. Listen. Don’t judge. 💜
Have you been asked why you stayed or are not leaving? How did you deal with that ?
Feel free to share with us you will surely make others feel less alone
