Lawins light

31/01/2026

Well at least ai writes nice things about me 🤣 it’s good to know I made a difference and one day il be back doing the same . This time for anyone in need no matter of race colour background. We will be the light 💡 that brightens up the dark days ###xx

18/01/2026

First post of the year. “Happy new year” it’s not really happy and I don’t understand how the change of the month brings any kind of new luck or new motivation. Especially when we have just forced our way through Christmas and the struggles the pressure the heart ache .

It’s only been 16 months since I lost lawin and I had to really double check that as it feels like yesterday but also feels a lifetime ago.

Many many charities made promises to help , many charities reached out and then ghosted. There is no mental health support anywhere, there’s no support for the anxiety the pain that you feel everyday that makes you feel sick physically and mentally and you can’t even walk out the door most days. I’m very greatful to of had some EMDR therapy alongside some CBT. I never thought therapy would work but it’s helped. I’m better than I have been, but I’m nowhere near healed.

I miss my son so much and one day I’m going to get justice for him. So many hospital errors and I wish to god that Hannah was here right now to help me through this fight with the hospital. She knew all the ins and outs and understood the stress and the negligence.

Here’s to 2026, the next step in Lawins case is sorting the ombudsman out now that the healthboard has responded with their s**tty reply.

Here’s to Lana banana pulling me through the darkest days whilst missing her brother so much. ❤️

Here’s to trying to beat this anxiety and actually face the outside world and people . ❤️

Here’s to masking and faking my way through another year of chaos because no doctors will actually help me in anyway.

Here’s to becoming stronger bit by bit so I can get back to helping other people in the way they need. Lawins light will be something spectacular. All in good time 🥰🥰🥰🥰

11/12/2025

A local Family with 2 young kids ,

no heating or hot water for 6 weeks so far .. share if you can anywhere!!!

Thank you !!! A simple share can get a donation !! Please read the link for all the info needed about the situation.

A genuine family in need of some financial assistance . they have had no hot water or he… Rose Beardmore needs your support for Raise money for a new boiler!

18/10/2025

Law in passed away june 2024 and I still have his cot . I don’t want to throw it away but also I don’t want to keep it just rotting away in the garage . It would have been his 2nd birthday in November I would love to find someone who can create me something from it I have no idea what tho! I’m quite a boho hippy kind of person so any ideas welcome !! I was thinking maybe a planter or something for the garden. Any ideas? Anyone recommend someone who could make things for me ? . Thank you ❤️❤️

13/10/2025

Baby loss awareness week is a difficult time. Every second of every day we think of our children but all the posts that pop up during this week really make it a struggle. 💔 I'm just as bad for writing the post and trying to be helpful , except this post is only helping one person. Myself.

I miss Lawin every single day and often find myself thinking about what life would be like now if he was still here 💔

Please do reach out , lots of charities claim to help and actually offer no practical help at all. One day lawins light will be around to support people in ways everyone else fails.

Marching on with Hendrix was one of the best charities I had help from. Funding not just basic talking therapy, but top tier EDMR and therapy that actually WORKS . They saved my life!!!

Also pleaE check out BIGMOOSE who offer therapy with very short waiting times.

If you Have other children reach out to their school to get the kids play therapy and to see what things are available locally to you.

I was ready to give it all up and end my life . I was in the worse depression I gained souch weight and didn't want to leave the house.

Now a year on I feel less anxious and able to get out and about and feel capable of looking after my 5 year old amazing daughter and she needs me .. I feel that now, I know she needs me and I will arrive to be the best and do the best for her.

Lawins death was the worst pain I will ever feel and then losing my best friend to su***de as well. It's been a horrible time and I don't know how I function now but I do. And I function as best as I can .

Reach out , if you don't want to talk to anyone please just talk to a friend or anyone just cry and get it off your chest .

Things will never be the same again but I just wanted to do this post to say you can do it . I believe in you and I'm proud of you .

Take each day as it comes don't make plans , don't put pressure on yourself to be anywhere or do anything ... Just one day at a time 🩵💙

Big moose -
https://share.google/rpLtCFCaUSaz3Bc3F

[email protected]

https://www.facebook.com/share/1A6EbRRfFL/

Advocates and Angels have a wide knowledge of support and things around to help , they also have a butterfly group for those who have suffered a loss and you can post anonymously if you want to just let your feelings out. Drop them a message .

Life is hard and it gets harder and sometimes just talking can get the worlds weight lifted off your shoulders.

There are people who can get memory bears made and keepsakes , people to help with difficult admin.

NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING can take the pain away. NOTHING but little steps can make life more livable again.

#

29/08/2025

Hannah and Lawin 🩵 I never saw her smile so much as when she was sat with baby boy, her happiness in his cuddles. She fell in love with him before he was even born .

I have to write a post on here because she was a huge part of Lawin. When he was alive and after he passed baby boy was everything and his grave was her happy space. She was happy on her own doing gardening up the cemetery and cleaning his bench and arranging flowers. She found peace up there.

Hannah had been my best friend for many many years, she actually started out as my dog walker she looked after lucky dog whilst I worked. She then became a friend and we all fell in love with each other , her beautiful daughter Hattie and her struggles we got through it all and when I had Lana she helped me set up my home and we just always had each others backs.

Losing Hannah has absolutely broken my heart because not only was she my best friend but she was lawins second mum. The 12 hour round trips to Leicester hospital , looking after Lana whilst I had to stay in hospital with him, fighting the social and the hospital for answers , she gave me the push I needed on the darkest days after lawin had passed. She always said she wasnt maternal but she did everything for Hattie and Lawin and Lana she was just incredible with the children.

She saved my life too many times and I couldn't
Ever thank her enough. She gave me her life and I gave her mine but I couldn't save her . Losing her is going to change my life , she was my light in the dark, she was my motivation my therapist my whole entire life. I would of been nothing without her.

She wasn't a friend she was my soul sister. She was my family. All she ever wanted was peace and now I really hope she can rest in peace. Her poor head was tired of constantly asking for help and getting nowhere. She needed so much help and there was nothing .

You were my world and I will never ever forget you. You and Hattie have been my life for so long that I can't imagine life without you .

I promise I will do my best with Hattie , I will make sure she has a bright future and gets all the help she needs. I will be there for her always.

Rest in peace my beautiful girl 💔💔😭😭💓💓

Give Lawin a kiss from me 💔🩵

05/08/2025

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that Lawin never made it here. He never made it to my special place , my happy place . He died 4 weeks before our holiday . It would of been his first trip away and it would of been scary and I would of been full of anxiety and panic but we would of managed. I had everything prepared all his feeding equipment all his meds everything was ready. We still went on the holiday to do a memorial for him and every year I will do the same.

I will come here every year for Chalkfest and Borth Carnival and hopefully he will always fly over and drop one of his angel feathers he never made it here but I have spent my life coming here and hopefully Lana will do the same in memory of her brother.

It's a random place that people can never truly understand untill they get here. Everyone I brought here has fallen in love and no matter where else I go I will always feel safe here

Maybe one day il be able to buy a caravan here or go live in a shed in someone's garden 🤣🤣 I will retire here one day. The place that always brings me peace . 🩵

30/07/2025

Today was the hardest day iv had in a long time . And there's been many many dark times and horrific moments but THIS has topped it off.

Today I registered lawins death. I thought I was going to be ok and I was not . His dad never came , it was just me and Lana and a load of questions.

I have come so far with EMDR therapy and kindness from Marching on with Hendrix and I have done everything because when a baby dies yes a few people might show fave at the funeral but afterwards your on your own. You have to navigate all the sadness and anger .. you have to let things go when you really don't want to.

Today has hit me hard . Iv been doing ok lately but today has knocked me sidewards. The death the crap funeral the constant letdowns , I got through IM GETTING THROUGH IT but going down there to sign a piece a paper well I think 100% the coroner should do it . No parent should have to go to an office and sign a death certificate. All the new mums there with there new babies... Or even dedicate a day to death registery because that was hard that was emotionally and it felt so cruel. It felt like I was being TORTURED.

I hope noone ever gets to feel this pain , I hope and pray that things change and get better. It's been over a year since he passed IV waited longer for his death certificate than I have actually been with him.

A 7 month old beautiful baby boy. You were let down by everyone even your own family but those few and far between that stuck around IL be forever grateful. Lawin was loved and adored and he's broke all our hearts 💔💔💔💔

Today was a day, and hopefully the only thing left to do now is fight the fu***ng hospital.

16/07/2025

Today another kick to the gut, getting the results finally from the coroner. I felt a sigh of relief but then an overwhelming burst of emotion. I'm angry I'm so angry, why is his death unexplained? How does a child die and there be no reason? The report itself is so complicated I don't even understand half the stuff writing on it but it boils down to SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME , which to me feels like a cop out. I feel like he was to complex and noone can bothered to do anything more about it. He didn't die for the sake of it... Their must be a reason!!

05/07/2025

A year ago today lawin was buried . Actually I didn't want a burial but I'm glad in a way as his resting place is super special. He wasn't buried with the babies cos his father was Muslim... So he couldn't be with the "white" babies ... But then he wasn't buried with the Muslim babys for some reason unknown to me .... he was buried amongst the older children and adults even tho he was an 8 month old baby . Despite that, he has a beautiful spot , a beautiful bench , a lovely bush and trees to hang things in so it worked out ok in the end .

Quite fitting that he was buried next to a doctor- at least in his afterlife he might be loooked after by because in his short life here the hospital doctors couldn't get rid of him quick enough.. he was costing the hospital tooucj money. Everything in this life boils down to money EVERYTHING

Talking of money I managed to raise £2500 to get him a headstone so he won't be lost amongst all the other graves despite the community tellingme " haram haram" oh f**k off everything seemed to be haram but have you ever been to the cemetery ?? HAVE YOU EVER LOST A CHILD?? NO .. i did what I wanted INCLUDING the horse and carriage . Charities said they would help with fundraising and help with his grave NOONE actually did and NOONE turned up to his fundraiser bar the people who helpe me plan it .

It seemed to of been a year of failure. Services failing me, charities failing me , community failing me but one thing that didnt fail is my amazing friends keeping me alive basically .. making me see i need to keep my s**t together for my beautiful daughter. She needs me and I need her. I have struggled on a daily basis with the most simple of tasks and realised who is important in my life and who is not and also .... everything I thought I needed... I did not.

What lawin has given me is strength . I will fight the health board the doctors and I will fight whatever I need to to get the answers for his death and apologies from all the doctors and nurses that made me mentally fall apart and make me feel I wasn't good enough when I know now that I was. I was alone with Lana , a very sick child, I was fighting and begging everyday for people to listen but I can say there was no more I could do. I gave lawin my everything even if no-one else could be bothered to. He was my baby boy and I fought so hard to make life happen for you.

Lawin you were my life and always will be , ll continue to do more. We will get answers and results and we will build something so your name doesn't get forgotten ever .

No parent should ever be made to feel the way I did and be left alone with no support . I will fight for justice because baby boy I just got my second wind and I'm coming for everyone . No holding back 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪

21/01/2025

Rapid Removals - South Wales Home Movers & Man With A Van assisting with the final collection and delivery day. 💪💪💪💪 payment sent over raised by kind donations. And that’s now a wrap….. once I’m in a better place il be back …. And Lawins name will continue to be remembered always 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵