Ayrshire Widows

09/10/2026

Funerals, is it okay to shop around? YES!

Do you walk into a shop and take the first expensive kitchen or bathroom on display? No because it's a choice you make and have for many years, it needs to be just right, almost perfect. The same is true for your life partners final journey everything needs to be perfect.

I contacted a few funeral companies based on people giving me names. One company was so disrespectful stating they could not come to my home due to how busy they were. For everyone that has lost their lifelong partner, leaving the safety of your home to discuss funeral arrangements fills you with dread. You need compassion & understanding and for me my home was my safety net to be able to organise Alan's life celebration. I absolutely take my hat off to people who have had the strength to visit a funeral directors office it just wasn't for me. I was making the biggest decisions of my life in organising my husband's funeral, I had to make sure it was just right without any distractions of being in an unfamiliar setting. Don't feel that making inquiries means you need to go with that particular company.

One company I contacted were understanding and made arrangements to visit me the same morning. My questions were answered, my requests were taken and nothing was of any bother. When something wasn't correct I made phonecalls to make sure it was corrected. That's the thing about grief in the early days, your thought process dealing with not only your emotions, lack of sleep but also shock, things can be lost in translation and you can easily just go along with things. I'd lie awake at night writing notes to myself to make sure I didn't miss anything so that when daylight came I could deal with it. Don't solely rely on that everything will go smoothly, double check arrangements.

A funeral director is there to take your requests and carry out the work diligently after all they are caring for the person you shared your life with. If something doesn't feel right change it, do what you feel is necessary. What you don't want is to be reflecting a few years down the line, still dealing with grief and thinking back to what you would of changed at your partner's funeral. If you don't feel strong enough then nominate a close family member to be your advocate in double checking arrangements.

I had a good experience with the company I used and they followed my requests & instructions. I will now use them for my own funeral.

We talk so much about other life events, Engagements, Weddings, Christenings and when it comes to death it's radio silence. A simple 5 minute task is to each take a piece of paper & and envelope. Write on the front of the envelope "In the event of my death" write on the piece of paper I wish to be buried or cremated. I'd like a such n such service with such n such music. Place the envelopes together with either your house deeds or other important documents, somewhere where you both know. It can help a partner alreading dealing with so much make things a little gentler and they know what your wishes are. We are all just one phonecall or one knock at the door away from death. It's something we want to think about for another day until that day arrives. Please do not think that death will not come knocking, I sit with with many widow's every week, each with our own experiences.

The below images are AI generated.

09/10/2026

People were very kind to me after Alan passed. Friends dropped off food including bread, homemade soup, tea, coffee & biscuits. A local cafe dropped in an afternoon tea. Everyone respected my privacy & left them on my doorstep. Flowers are lovely however too many can be overwhelming. I did appreciate them being placed in the front drive as it mean't people thought so much of Alan. I would go out in the early hours of the morning and read & bring in the little cards that they came with.

04/10/2026

30/09/2026

It's not being unkind, it's being honest 🩷

20/09/2026

Lets talk how grief affects friendships.
Grief changes you. Not because you wanted it to. It changes what you see, what you feel and how you behave.

Ultimately you lose friendships and their meanings. The friends who chose to be around in the good times and also the bad are the ones who really care and will always have your back no matter what and they never once ask for anything in return. I am lucky that I have a few close friends and many other friends. The people who I thought would be there for me and weren't are the people who like to insert themselves into your life when it suits them, the type of people who want to be martyrs and only show up when they feel they are important or gaining something worthwhile for themselves.

When all the biz slows down after those first few weeks of people wanting to visit in the immediate aftermath of the death, where people are happy to be in the thick of it, visiting, dropping food in, asking you out for a cuppa. To moving on several months later and everything has gone back to "normal" for them. You realise one day that you have sat at home every evening on your own without so much as a txt for weeks on end. My new normal was crushing me. From trying to find new employment whilst drowning in grief and not sleeping to worrying about my whole future life imagining Alan not in it ever again.

Don't get me wrong I did receive invites in the early months and I did go out for one or two walks and a few coffees and then it comes to a halt, there are no more invites. Slowly you withdraw into yourself, you don't have the energy to reach out and then when people decide to check in after week's or months of not being in contact & then you don't respond one day then suddenly you become the problem.

One invite which absolutely filled me with dread in the early month's was an invite to a couples meal out. I knew I couldn't sit around a table without my husband Alan so I politely declined and I still struggle to sit around a table with family. When my nephew turned 5 the year Alan passed, we all went round dropping presents then decided to get takeaway. I broke down and had to leave my own nephews birthday celebrations because I couldn't sit at a table and even now I get angry with myself that I can't do a family dinner or have a family bbq. Familiar settings just break me, it becomes more heavy that your person isn't beside you and a bigger negative sets in "guilt" how could you possibly have a dinner or a bbq without them when they are not here to enjoy it.

Your life changes beyond recognition, your routine, your lifestyle, your health and on top of that your friendships. People assume you have to be over it by now, move on, get out there, live your life for the both of you! My response is that if people are able to do that then I am whole heartedly happy for them, I am pleased that they are able to navigate thier grief and use it in such a positive way to propel them through their lives. I am just not that person. l am not grieving harder or any less than anyone else, each of us do it differently.

I am not bitter, I just choose to share my experiences. If you are reading this and you are a friend of a person who has been widowed don't be that person who excludes them and stops inviting them, if for instance they choose not to come along they might decide to the next time.

Alan was my life, my safe space, my home, my friend, my lover, my counsellor, my half decision maker, my emotional support, my listener and my advisor when I made wrong choices. He was all of that and much more, I could write a book on everything he mean't to me.

Sorry you had to read all of my brain farts but I said what I said, moral of it all is don't be that friend!

A little photograph of myself and my daughter recently.

16/08/2026

Today we had our first social event, Picnic in the park where widow's brought along a family member. Light hearted fun was had by all joining in some childhood races and a game of rounders.

If you know of any women within your family or friends circle please share our post and let them know about us. We are a new group based here in Ayr and welcome women from all over Ayrshire. Link in the comments to our private group.

14/08/2026

Life as a Widow as we know becomes difficult in so many ways. You reach hurdle after hurdle and so many of us don't get past some of them. I'm going to share my recent one.

Eating and drinking out alone 😔
When we loose our life long partners life changes drastically. You can't just think oh we will go out for our normal Friday night meal or we don't fancy cooking let's nip to our favourite restaurant.

Instead fear and anxiety hits. The thoughts creep in & take over.

I can't go out on my own, I'm nervous.
I will look stupid sitting eating a meal.
I can't go to the toilet & leave my table.
What if people ask why I'm on my own.
Don't order a drink that's weird drinking on your own.
What will I do to fill my time in between ordering, how many times will I nip or pick at my fingers, twiddle my jewellery or stare at my phone.
Will I lie if the waiter/waitress asks if I'm meeting up with anyone later, will they think I have no friends?
Will I pretend my husband's at home?

Just some of my thoughts and hurdles, if I explained all my thoughts maybe the men from the local asylum will take me away in straight jackets. Oh no stop ✋️ my mind has run away with itself again, that was my great grandfather that was put in a straight jacket and taken to the asylum.

It's a huge step to take deciding to go out on your own, there is so much to consider from safety aspects to wrestling with your inner demon thoughts. Of course you can eat out with friends and family however not everyone is available when you are, people have work and family commitments and life's are busy. The realisation can be difficult that this is your new life now, everything you do will mostly be on your own.

Recently I decided to venture into the town of Ayr on my own, 2yrs after becoming a widow, I put on my big girl pants and decided to order a meal and 1 glass of w**e. I went to one restaurant a few weeks ago and had an okay experience but I want to share the experience I had the other day. I had just returned from a funeral, late afternoon and fancied some dinner before I went home to my empty shell. I decided on Tempura. Alan and I had been several times over the years before he passed but we mostly used the takeaway.

Pulling open the little door the stupid brain takes over, its going to be super busy, every table will be filled with couples and you'll need to ask if they have a table for 1 to be told sorry and then you'll need to turn on your heels and leave feeling stupid. Instead I got lucky I opened the door to find it very quiet with just 1 family and a friendly chap appeared behind the bar. My heart was hammering and I'd already eaten 5 rescue remedy pastilles maybe I won't have space for food and maybe I should just.... stop ✋️ I told my brain to shut fluffing up, today is not the day. And the chap said take a seat wherever you'd like. So I chose the seat closet to the toilet because straight across from it was a nice shelving unit with animals from Africa and if nothing else I could just stare at it, the elephants and the giraffes come marching two by two, hurrah hurrah (my brain was taking me to the noahs ark song) The young chap called Fraser came over and gave me the menu's. I sort of made him believe that I had just finished work, I just hadn't corrected him but when he came back to give me my glass of w**e and we had another blether I was truthful and said I had returned from a funeral and so we had another nice wee blether. I thought he was maybe ages with my son, I imagine his mammy would be proud of him.

Anyway I filled in my time by staring at the shelf and stopping myself singing about the animals going into the ark. I also read the Herald online, its the only newspaper I buy. I then was looking at the ceiling remembering my time when I worked there as a teenager when it was Burrowfields and the ceiling was mustard yellow from smoke, I wondered if it was still lurking behind the corrugated ceiling. Myself and my sister in law who also worked there would finish our shifts at 12.30am stinking of smoke then head to Club de Mar and roll home at 2am and I was up at 7am with my toddler son. My brain started to become proud of that achievement of being a teenage mum, working and clubbing 😂 and then I also thought I know who would be proud of me right now and that would be my husband Alan, he was my biggest supporter and whenever I thought I couldn't do something he would always say self belief over self pity 🩵

Things that made me feel comfortable in Tempura was the fact it's a smaller venue, staff are on hand if you need them and can grab their attention quickly. You can leave your drink safely on the table while you go to the toilet, there's no long awkward walk to get there. Staff are always friendly and chatty. I imagine the staff are trained very well in here as over the years I've never had a bad experience.

If any widow has been thinking about going out on their own please know that you can do it, it's not easy and can be overwhelming just thinking about it. My mind made it so much worse that what I actually experienced.

If you are a woman in Ayrshire who has lost a lifelong partner please see my private group link in the comments. So far we have had 2 coffee morning's, we are having a picnic this Sunday and we have our first social evening arranged.

Tracey x

11/08/2026

Did you know as a women's only widow group that you

1. Do not need to have been married
2. Do not need to have been living together
3. Do not have to explain your reasons
4. May have met another partner

Grief lives alongside you for the rest of your life after losing a partner, a wedding ring doesn't make any of us have a deeper grief than not having a wedding ring. When someone meets another partner it does not make your grief any less important. My group is for all women no matter what stage you are at in life while grieving, there is no judgement. My group is a safe space 🩷

Link in the comments, unfortunately my previous post was not allowed due to the link on it.

10/08/2026

Picnic in the Park
This Sunday 16th at 11.30am.
Click to join the private group either from the link at the top of the page or in the comments.

You can bring the children or any other family adults, big kids, wee kids, the dog etc

All you need is to bring your own picnic and blanket and I'll provide the fun.

If you know of any women in Ayrshire who have been bereaved from losing their partner then please share 🙏